End of 27 year marriage

[TheUnconsoled]

My husband and I have been together for 27 years. For at least the first 15 years it was a happy and loving relationship. Over the years things have changed and in the course of the last 7 or 8 years a pattern has developed. He says that I become more distant and not interested in him and not affectionate. (I would dispute that but I don't feel that I can dispute how he feels and sees the situation.) He is often very moody and bad tempered. This erupts into either a terrible fit of rage and shouting followed by stonewalling (or just becoming more and more introverted followed by the silent treatment). This has happened repeatedly. It happened during the lockdown at one point when he did the furious rage thing (over something really small and stupid) and then stopped speaking to me for three months. We were living in the same house but he just ignored me completely. For the first time in our lives I didn't cry and beg and say sorry and please don't do this bla bla but left him to it. Hence the three months. Finally he came round and apologised. Since then he has said that this episode was all my fault because I should have realised that he was suffering from depression and reached out to him but did not. Now a new episode of the same. Silence, anger, etc and the reason given that i have 'withdrawn' from the relationship etc. I'm not interested in him. Don't ask after his health. Don't take an interest in what he's doing - he says. For the first time in our married lives - where before we have struggled through and tried to make a go of it each time - I have reached a point where I don't want to go through this again and am prepared to tell him that our marriage is finished. It's the classic 'I love him but I'm not in love with him'. Our everyday lives bring irritation and conflict, not joy or happiness. But I fear for the plans we still have for our future, the things we wanted to do together. We are actually still friends and have some interests and beliefs in common. Should I stay or should I go? Anybody else have similar experiences? What's your advice?

OP - I think you'll get a lot of advice saying - just leave, you deserve better, life is too short.... etc

But personally - I think before you do decide to explode your life and long term plans - at least take time to reflect. I think as a couple you have fallen into the longest rut and have stopped communicating and listening to each other. Who is to blame for each individual incident is irrelevant.

But - before you just give up - maybe you should see if there is still something left? Have you considered relationship counselling? Or individual?

27yrs of marriage shouldn't end without a fight to stay together and work it out.
You both need to sit down and seriously talk things through...
Good luck

Cherchez La femme

He sounds like a massive burden, free yourself.
I live happily alone, nobody else disturbing my peace which l am very grateful for.

Rage and silent treatment are horrible. I think I’d want to extricate myself from him in your position.

Thanks so much everybody. It's good just to hear some voices other than my own going round and round in my head.

OP, you say "But I fear for the plans we still have for our future, the things we wanted to do together."

Does he still share those plans and want to do those things together?

What are those things?

Even if you two do carry on and do those things, will you enjoy them if he starts raging and sulking, or if you're forever on tenterhooks waiting for him to start raging and sulking?

End it don't be miserable I left (well had an affair and he left) on my bday last Xmas. Best thing ever. Advise though don't jump in with anyone else for a few months. I was with him since 17 til my 33rd birthday. Married 12 years and 2 kids. But I am not living in fight and flight anymore and the tiptoeing has stopped