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Original poster

Would this look like controlling behaviour?

18 replies

popsicless · 28/11/2023 17:01

Regarding my exh.

He is abusive and I believe to be controlling.

We have separated and just trying to sort out the last things. One being a large electronic item that he needs to collect from my house that is his. He tried to collect it at the weekend but couldn't fit it in his car and the whole thing was a disaster.

I left my house while he did this and my dad came. They have not seen each other for years. Exh rang me to complain about my dad (who did nothing wrong apart from making a lighthearted joke). He called my dad some horrible names down the phone to me and made me call my dad to ask him to go upstairs in my house while he waited outside.

Ex has not spoken to me since the weekend and I have ignored him completely.

He has text me this morning to tell me he is organising a van to collect this item.

He also said this:

'I hope you're feeling better about things. I have left you alone for the past couple of days as I felt like you needed it. I hope it has worked?'

This has angered me. There have been many times where I have asked him to leave me alone and he refuses. He never leaves me along when I ask. Yet when he feels like I need it....he does (only for a couple of days 🙄)

And then to say 'I hope it has worked?' Like I'm going to just recover from all the abuse he's put me through in a couple of days.

I have replied but only to say it's fine about the van and nothing about me.

Does that text message read as a controlling message? I ask because I have the police coming tomorrow to discuss everything. This isn't the first time I've spoken to them about him.

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 28/11/2023 17:09

Breathe, and practice picking out the bits of his correspondance that are information that you need to know and reply to, and bits that are designed to goad you and that you can completely ignore.

Don't bite. Have you got children?

OhComeOnFFS · 28/11/2023 17:10

Reply, "Yes, I always feel much better when I haven't seen you."

Original poster
popsicless · 28/11/2023 17:12

OhComeOnFFS · 28/11/2023 17:10

Reply, "Yes, I always feel much better when I haven't seen you."

Lol it's very true....I'll say that in my head 😂

OP posts:
baileys6904 · 28/11/2023 17:12

No, I don't think it's controlling behaviour. It may be shit behaviour but controlling, no

Original poster
popsicless · 28/11/2023 17:13

baileys6904 · 28/11/2023 17:12

No, I don't think it's controlling behaviour. It may be shit behaviour but controlling, no

Yeah I see your point.

I just mean it as in he can decide when he feels he needs to leave me alone. However if I ask him to, he refuses. Therefore he thinks he should control that.

OP posts:
baileys6904 · 28/11/2023 17:16

popsicless · 28/11/2023 17:13

Yeah I see your point.

I just mean it as in he can decide when he feels he needs to leave me alone. However if I ask him to, he refuses. Therefore he thinks he should control that.

Show quote history

By that analogy, people that walk away from an argument are controlling...

Exes are exes for a reason 🤷‍♀️

AuntMarch · 28/11/2023 17:22

This particular message I wouldn't say controlling. Patronising arsehole, sure.

TheHawkisHowling · 28/11/2023 17:25

Yeah I agree with PP. He's clearly a dickhead but I wouldn't call that particular message controlling.

I know it's really hard when you're used to having an emotional response to him. But you are free of it. Time to breathe 🌺

Original poster
popsicless · 28/11/2023 17:27

GoldDuster · 28/11/2023 17:09

Breathe, and practice picking out the bits of his correspondance that are information that you need to know and reply to, and bits that are designed to goad you and that you can completely ignore.

Don't bite. Have you got children?

Yes a ds. He hasn't seen him for a while through his choice. He now wants contact but I'm taking my time to decide what is best. Early help through social services are hopefully getting involved. I don't want to see him so contact has to be done through a 3rd party

OP posts:
NosamLDN · 28/11/2023 17:27

Not controlling as far as the message goes but on another note which isn't the question. Hope you two agree to cut contact after this because clearly some hard feelings are involved(OR SOME feelings still remain anyway). I would suggest you do not involve other people i.e. your dad, it's never a good idea, if he is coming, deal with him and only you

sixteenfurryfeet · 28/11/2023 17:28

It's not controlling, but it is antagonistic needling.

Original poster
popsicless · 28/11/2023 17:31

NosamLDN · 28/11/2023 17:27

Not controlling as far as the message goes but on another note which isn't the question. Hope you two agree to cut contact after this because clearly some hard feelings are involved(OR SOME feelings still remain anyway). I would suggest you do not involve other people i.e. your dad, it's never a good idea, if he is coming, deal with him and only you

This is advice from the police, social services and woman's aid. They all said to use a 3rd party. I don't think they were wrong.

The last time I saw him he threw my phone against the wall and told me he was going to go kill himself which would be my fault. He scared the living day lights out of me. I don't want to see him in my home or anywhere else for that matter.

OP posts:
Epidote · 28/11/2023 17:35

He is an angry morron that is for sure. Don't bite the lure. You did well replying about the item. If this time doesn't work.
Arrange yourself a currier to be paid at destination. Tell him when you are got to do it and magic. Not your problem anymore

NosamLDN · 28/11/2023 17:38

popsicless · 28/11/2023 17:31

This is advice from the police, social services and woman's aid. They all said to use a 3rd party. I don't think they were wrong.

The last time I saw him he threw my phone against the wall and told me he was going to go kill himself which would be my fault. He scared the living day lights out of me. I don't want to see him in my home or anywhere else for that matter.

Show quote history

Oh, noted, you omitted to state all these other abusive bits. All makes sense now.
It's more of an emotional abuse by the look of things; not controlling directly, indirectly he uses emotional entrapment to control the outcome of any situation.

TheShellBeach · 28/11/2023 18:06

No, your message answers him without any additional emotional crap.

I think it's a perfect text.

Original poster
popsicless · 28/11/2023 18:10

It maybe doesn't come across as controlling but it just feels that way. I don't know what he expects with the 'hope it helps part'. I've spent all day yesterday and today dealing with solicitors, school meetings, social services and now the police again tomorrow.

He just thinks a couple of days free of him and I'm fine. Just shows how he doesn't get it.

I've done enough work on myself to know how to respond and I won't reply to anything I don't need too.

OP posts:
PostOpOp · 29/11/2023 22:03

I think it's a form of manipulative-control. It's not directly obvious until you look at patterns and what "normal" behaviour would be.

So, he won't respect your boundaries when you ask him to (please leave me alone), as an emotionally respectful person would do.

He then he decides to "leave you alone" at a time and place and length of his choosing.

Then he almost mocks you about it.

While taken alone it's not a huge deal, it's inconceivable that somebody who treats you respectfully normally would do this. It wouldn't come naturally to them. However, someone who is psychologically abusive on some level, would do this - and by their nature it would form part of a pattern of behaviour.

So to me they're a sign of much more going on either in the past and/or potentially in the future.

Your response to him was perfect. He will take anything he can related to your emotions or boundaries and use it to try and upset you. So over time, the less you give him, the less he has in the bank to go on.

Original poster
popsicless · 30/11/2023 06:52

PostOpOp · 29/11/2023 22:03

I think it's a form of manipulative-control. It's not directly obvious until you look at patterns and what "normal" behaviour would be.

So, he won't respect your boundaries when you ask him to (please leave me alone), as an emotionally respectful person would do.

He then he decides to "leave you alone" at a time and place and length of his choosing.

Then he almost mocks you about it.

While taken alone it's not a huge deal, it's inconceivable that somebody who treats you respectfully normally would do this. It wouldn't come naturally to them. However, someone who is psychologically abusive on some level, would do this - and by their nature it would form part of a pattern of behaviour.

So to me they're a sign of much more going on either in the past and/or potentially in the future.

Your response to him was perfect. He will take anything he can related to your emotions or boundaries and use it to try and upset you. So over time, the less you give him, the less he has in the bank to go on.

Thank you, that really helps and I'm glad you can see where I am coming from.

No one knows exactly what I've been through with him but me and it does feel very controlling - I can only have space when he chooses to give me it. Though I will admit at the moment, he is doing much better at leaving me alone.

Yesterday he sent me a message to say he still cares for me and thinks the world of me. It was only a week ago that he blocked me, told me he doesn't need to see me again and that it will remain that way forever.

It's a pattern that he does. None of it lasts. Very Jekyll and Hyde.

I can see now how he would offer me breadcrumbs of love and I would take it and feel better instantly. He's still doing it now with the nice messages as he thinks it will make me forget about all the other shit.

OP posts:
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