No feelings after 12 years

[Lilactea]

My bf and I have been together for 12 years. We had our DS three years ago and since then our relationship has changed, especially in the past year. He has recently decided to end things saying that he doesn’t love me anymore and he feels nothing. He has said that his feelings are for the woman I was before and not the woman infront of him. That we’ve both changed too much.

My partner works all week and most weekends. He starts very early and is home most nights just before my DS goes to bed. I work a few days a week and the rest of the time is spend looking after our DS or an elderly relative.

We spend no time together as most days I’m exhausted and can barely stay awake. We have drifted apart but I didn’t realise how much. I naively though that it was temporary and would get better once our DS goes to school or when he gets older. The divide between us has gotten worse the past 8 months. He says he hasn’t gotten any affection and I have said that I haven’t gotten any help or appreciation. We haven’t been great at communicating this either.

We have argued more this year than we have in all our years together. He spends his Saturdays with us as a family if he is off work and then his Sundays he says are his time and is spent at the pub or out with friends. I’ve had no issue with this until he started to stay out all day and wouldn’t come home until very late and even early mornings. He says it’s his time for him and that he needs it. Some weeks that’s the only day he has off work and he still goes out. I just wanted him to spend time with us as a family so that’s why we clashed. There has also been an issue regarding messages to another woman, which was a result of him drinking too much, that I struggled with.

I have my flaws and I understand I haven’t been a great gf this last year but I’ve been trying to get my head in a better place. I thought my bf knew this but he said he had no idea. He said he knew I was drowning but didn’t think it was that bad.

So my questions is does a bad few months in a 12 year relationship mean it should just be thrown away without trying?

He’s adamant that he doesn’t want to try and that he’s past that. I desperately want to work things but but I know I can’t make him. I just thought we were stronger than this. He has been quite cruel at times saying everything very bluntly without any emotion. It makes me feel awful, the way speaks to me after all this time together.

I already know the answers but I just wondered if anyone else has been in this position.

I think you already have your answer. He's already checked out and is adamant that he doesnt want to try and repair things. I would guess that the has already had his head turned especially as you mention an issue regarding him texting another woman and the staying out very late and into the early hours. Sorry OP but l think you should prepare for separating.

Sometimes relationships just come to a natural end. It happened to me, relationship of twenty years, no matter how hard l tried the feelings had gone. Doesn't mean the relationship was a waste of time and not valuable, but life moves on, people change and so do feelings. There are no guarantees. Sometimes it feels easier to hold on to what feels familiar, no matter how bad the relationship has become, because change brings a lot of uncertainty. Change is not always bad, it is usually accompanied by some turbulence, but once through it can feel like a new lease of life.
Now further down the line, I am grateful and thankful my ex partner was part of my life, it taught me some people are not meant to stay forever and that's ok.

I think he's got another woman on the go. Tends to be when the grand switch off of all emotions comes in.

I think you've answered your own question in that if he's adamant that he doesn't want to try and he's past that, then whether you want to try or not is immaterial unfortunately.

If he's staying out over night til and that's new behaviour I'd tend to agree with @category12 that he's got romantic interest elsewhere, but regardless of the reason, if he's out, he's out.

It's a rotten position to be put in, long term accepting the situation and getting yourself into a position where you're best placed to move on as well as possible, rather than clinging on with hope is generally better if you can manage it. Have you got support from friends and family?

I’m not sure why it matters whether he has an OW in mind or not and suggesting it doesn’t help the OP as I am sure she has thought of that. The problem regardless of that is that he lost feelings for you. When they are gone as much as he has said then it’s a big ask for them to come back. Sounds like you drifted apart after having a child which happens to lots of people.

Sorry OP, I think you know it's time to move on. You will be much happier when out of this situation, so will your child.

I think it's helpful because currently op is fretting over why he won't try again, why he suddenly no longer cares and has become a stranger to her, wondering what she's done etc.

I think he's gaslighting her and making out that it's her fault as much as his. When often, if it's an affair going on, it's more often a retroactive rewriting of the relationship by the cheat to justify their infidelity.

It ending because his head has been turned, while excruciatingly painful, at least gives closure whereas it ending for more nebulous reasons makes it seem retrievable.

I'd rather she wasn't spinning her wheels thinking what happened, what did I do, when it's far more likely it's what he's done.

Probably be happier all round separated.