Aging parent dread

[bakingmummy21]

Wondering if I am alone in dreading my parents getting really old? Specifically my worst fear is them ending up in a nursing home for a number of years and essentially not being the same person anymore. I don’t live close to either of my parents (divorced and both remarried) and I’m an only child. I have 3 young DC and my parents are now in their 80s. I can’t imagine how it’ll work if one or both of them end up in care, it’s not like I’ll be able to pop in and visit regularly. My DStepmum jokes about going to Dignitas in Switzerland and I can’t help thinking she’s got a point! But obviously it is inevitable, it’s just no one knows how the end is going to come. Any advise how to prepare for this or deal with it when it comes round?!

Them ending up in a nursing home is actually preferable to you trying to manage them and their fading whilst they are living at home (I speak from bitter experience).

Try not to worry about things that may never happen OP - it's such a waste of energy! Not everyone ends in a care home, some people live in their own homes until they die, some people die very suddenly with no ill/frail stage first.

This is good advice.

Thanks and I do agree. Being totally honest I’m just thinking it would be better to go quickly rather than having a long slow decline… at the moment both parents have good quality of life, still travel abroad etc but I can see that once they get more restricted I think it will be a hard adjustment for them.

I moved closer to my mum so that travelling to see her/hospital visits would be easier.

She’s fine at the moment but I have power of attorney: is that something you’ve looked into?

I feel the same - worried. My mum and dad are a bit younger than yours but I am an only child of my dad's (my mum had my sisters with a second husband).

I don't live close to my dad and I do often think about what would happen if he got sick. No way would he accept a care home and he is very very rural so I don't see care at home being easy to arrange.

Both my dad's dad and my mum's dad died suddenly (one heart attack, one stroke), and although it was sudden it was better than the alternative.

My MIL has early onset dementia and Alzheimer's and already this is becoming hard to deal with. We live close to her but navigating her getting more and more ill is difficult with her living alone and with us having young children.

I think as good starting place (and something I have done with my mum but not dad) is to have a very open conversation about their thoughts. We didn't do this with my MIL and now are left trying to work things out.

As poster above says, you don't know what will happen so it's going to do no good angsting about the 'what ifs'.
I am also an only child. My mother died relatively young and very suddenly, but my late father lived alone until his early 80's in another country. I spent a decade worrying about a stroke or similar that would leave him frail, frustrated and in need of constant care, but in the end he passed away with cancer all within a relatively short space of time.
I was very lucky in that I could work remotely, divest my other responsibilities (but I am childless which I know most carers aren't!) and look after him. It all worked out and I was able to support him in his final illness.
If anyone had said this would have been possible I don't think I would have believed it. And when he had gone I realised all my planning and fretting was a complete waste of time.
Do what you can to put as much support in place now. Encourage them to move closer or at the very least downsize, put in place POA's or similar, talk to them about their wishes if that's possible. Think about what you realistically can do, but also think about your boundaries and what you wouldn't be prepared to sacrifice.
It doesn't take away the uncertainty or the worry but it does give you some comfort to know you've done what you can in advance to try and ease the way a bit.
Good luck and you do have my sympathy. It's not an easy position to be in.

You basically dread the life I lead, except my parents are both in their 60’s, divorced and started getting ill 15 years apart so have taken up most of my years past 30. Dad went into a care home 7 years ago and Mum this year. This was proceeded by years of trying to manage 2 fiercely independent people with deteriorating memories. Yes, neither of them are the parents I grew up with. It’s shit and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. Your parents are 20 years older than mine and are still living healthy independent lives, please just appreciate what you have got.

We wouldn’t be able to move (not sure if you were saying looking into move or looking into PoA).
PoA - no I haven’t looked into it but I do probably need to educate myself on it! Thanks.

I feel similarly. I have massive worries about my parents dotage. They are in complete denial about their age (mid 70s) and live in the back end of nowhere. This was fine when they were both driving, but now one can't for medical reasons and the other gets incredibly anxious, drives at a dangerously slow speed, and really should give it up.

They won't discuss it at all. They've made no plans for the future. They just seem to expect they'll stay in their big house (and garden) that they struggle to maintain. All children live 2+ hours away and none drive (me for medical reasons).

They seem to expect I'll just be there to help them out, but I simply cannot fit in emergency train journeys to and fro with young children and pets to think about and a very busy life. I'm really angry with them for shutting down every attempt to discuss this and sticking their heads in the sand.

I can highly recommend the cockroach cafe threads in elderly parents section. It's an absolute fund of helpful advice and support from people who get it.

You're right to be concerned OP. I had almost twenty years of sequential caring for my elderly parents. Both ended up with dementia in care homes. Dad lived to be 98 and my mother 91.

Definitely look into power of attorney. This is really crucial. You need only trigger it when /if they lose capacity but if they suddenly decline and you haven't got it in place it will become an administrative nightmare. If you are able to have a conversation about wishes at this point and maybe also be given an overview of their finances, that will be really helpful.

I would not be tempted to have them live with you at any point. I've known so many people who have gone down this route and ended absolutely broken.

Forewarned is forearmed and all that. Having said that try not to borrow trouble if you possibly can. Sensible planning at this stage on the other hand is extremely wise.

Good luck

Apart from POAs (which operate when the parent has mental capacity), also put in place Lasting Powers of Attorney / LPAs (which operate when the parent has lost mental capacity, e.g. due to a stroke or dementia) at the same time.

It is good to get the paperwork together.

Please join Dignity In Dying dying and get as many people as you know to do the same.

Do we need to change the law on assisted dying because at the moment only wealthy people can afford to go to Dignitas.

But if your parents do go into home, please do not destroy your life visiting them.

You need to look after your own health and your family 's health before your parents.

It is not your thought that assisted dying is not available.

I would just leave them to it. They are not your responsibility and you mustn't put your health at risk.

I know exactly how you are feeling OP. It's so difficult and it's a little scary really. Our family are really pragmatic and that helps a lot. We future plan which makes things less daunting. POAs, I'm on my Mums accounts (with the POA) for everything possible. We've planned ahead for everything we can.

We chat about things too.

I know im lucky to have such a Mum to deal with though.

I meant LPAs too

I'm an only child with mid 80s parents who are ill and declining. My mum at least is not who she was due to medication and isolation.

It is crap and hard but what I would say is that there's nothing you can do now. Some oldies decline slowly, some quickly, some are desperate to stay in their home and some are desperate to get out of it. Much as you can try and plan it's impossible, they may go on for years or they may develop a sudden illness. Also what they say they want now will be very differrent from what they actually want (or need) in the end.

The only thing you can do (and this is so important) is PoA for both health and finances. I'd also try and get a grip on their financial situation (savings / how the house is split etc etc) as if they decline suddenly this will inform your decisions about care.

Ideally you'd live closer or they could move near you but appreciate this isn't an option for everyone. If they have some good friends locally I'd get their phone numbers as useful to have someone close by in case of an emergency.

It is hard when we realise our parents won't be around for ever but beyond the basics there literally is no point in worrying.

Definitely get LPA's sooner rather than later.

Just 3 and a half years ago, my parents were fit and well and needed no care. Mum died, and it became apparent that Dad knew nothing about anything.

He wanted to be moved into a retirement village, which me and sibling did for him. He had no clue how to sell the family home, or how to purchase his new place. We did it all, including emptying his house, of 40 years of possessions. It was a truly horrendous time.

His health has declined rapidly, and he is now immobile with carer visits 4 times a day. Healthcare professionals are starting to suggest a nursing home might be on the cards. Neither me nor sibling could take him in - he's 22 stone with a myriad of needs that only a professional could deal with. I would never have believed this, if you'd told me 4 years ago, that this is where we'd be at.

On the plus side, we do have LPA's, and we have used them a few times. For eg. I have control over his bank account (he would not have a clue how to do it). And any time we need to do the smallest thing for him (like change his Sky package) they always ask for LPA, so it's an absolute must. Be aware, they take AGES to go through, so it would be a disaster waiting until you needed one.

Your Dad might have no choice, but to go in to a care home. I never thought one of my parents might go into a home, but the harsh reality, is that neither me nor my sibling has the time or expertise to look after a large heavy man, who wears nappies and can't walk anywhere, or do anything for himself. He has a commode, a hoist, a hospital bed - how can anyone accommodate that? Even if we didn't work (we do), how physically would we cope? Can't even lift him.