Dating after 17 years!

[NotAnotherChuffingUsername]

So my marriage is over and I have moved into my own place, taking 4yo DS with me. I thought that I would never be interested in another relationship but surprisingly I am! I plucked up the courage and set up a Match profile over the weekend and have clicked with someone (obviously very early days, but we seem to get on well at the moment). We both just want someone to meet up with once or twice a month when our kids are not with us, to visit new places, go out for food and hopefully have some amazing sex...
So here's the issue;

• I have never really dated as such, I have no idea what I am doing!
• I have always lacked in self confidence and this has been chipped away further during the last five years of my marriage.
• I am physically a bit of a state - I am always curvy but at the moment I am very overweight, I haven't bothered with anything for a long long time and I have never worried about grooming etc that much. My hair and make-up are always fine, but everything that is not displayed day to day is a total mess. Essentially, I am fat, pale and hairy.
• I haven't had sex for YEARS. I am bi-sexual and was married to a woman, so we didn't even need to have sex to conceive - that part of the marriage was dead for a long time, for many reasons. So I haven't had sex with anyone for years and with a man for decades. I am horny as hell but also really nervous about actually doing the deed.

So, I know I don't need to do any of these things for a man (and I wouldn't be interested in seeing someone who insisted on anything to do with my appearance) but for my own self confidence and to make me feel all sexy and nice I am looking for tips on all the above! Help me out here MNetters!

OP, don't run before you can walk, you haven't even met him yet! So many first dates end up with a thanks but no thanks when you do actually meet as often the chemistry doesn't translate to real life. I hope thats not the case for you but best to be prepared. By all means give yourself a bit of an overhaul though if you feel that would boost your confidence. Some personal grooming wouldn't come amiss, and maybe treat yourself to some new underwear, an outfit you feel good in and some new perfume. All the best!

Be yourself, seems by your post that you want to enjoy a bit the life you weren't enjoying for a long time. So do it, you are not looking for the love of your life or at least no yet. So be yourself and enjoy the dates, if not another match can be a good person to do some stuff. And if in the meantime someone clicks all the buttons well that's life isn't it.

Agree with PP don't run before walk, but enjoy and do not overthink, you are doing it a bit now, that could be your worst enemy if you came from a long dead relationship.

I would give you advice but I'm in the same position so bumped your thread.
I will say well done for getting this far though, you're braver than me.

The comments weren't there when I wrote this 😂

Have the self confidence that you're fine just as you are, and don't need to do anything different or special to make yourself more 'something'.

That's real self confidence. Nobody can tell you what you need to do to feel sexy in yourself. If you don't know, how would anybody else?

I think taking care of yourself needs to be for your own self and confidence - not for a man or a woman.
Regardless of this guy, or anyone else you may be talking to or dating at some point.
It's unlikely the very first guy you chat with on Match will turn into anything - so I'd not worry much. Just get some grooming in and go.
But in parallel - do whatever you need to do to get to a shape you are happier with - it does sound you aren't ok with the current state. Have a look/think about what you eat and where unnecessary calories come from. Sometimes small changes can make a huge difference.

Awww thanks for coming back to me you lot - I wasn't expecting anything!

I absolutely agree with all of you, I am not just making changes for someone else but genuinely because I want to in myself. Also not putting all of my eggs in one basket and not expecting too much from anyone (although we are still getting on well at the moment and talking about meeting soon).
I have already found that I want to do simple things like bothering to blow dry and style my hair, using my favourite smelling body creams etc. and I am feeling good for it. I have also bought some new undies and enjoyed wearing them, along with some new clothes. I have been more conscious about my food choices and noticed when I was digging out some old clothes to try on that I have lost a bit of weight in the last couple of months without realising. Everyone I know is suddenly telling me that I look really well, relaxed, happy, healthy etc.
@CoffeeLover90 let's go through this together! Tell me what has been going on with you. What sorts of things have you been doing to give yourself a boost?

Aww bless you @NotAnotherChuffingUsername but really no effort at all here. Its hard as I'm a sole parent with no help whatsoever. I could pay a babysitter but, is it worth my time?
I've not been conscious of my diet until recently, I've made changes because I want to feel healthier.
I do groom, it makes me feel more comfortable.
I'm not attractive, honestly, I've learnt to accept it because I can't change it. I'm not keen on heavy makeup, I don't suit it so mine is minimal.
This means that online dating is a no go zone for me, because the first thing you're seen and judged on is your appearance.
I don't feel lonely though to be honest. I'll just keep winging my way through life 😂 but I like cheering others on!

Hope your date goes well and well done on your changes so far, pleased it's made you happier.

Winging it through life is basically what we're all doing! It sounds like you are happy though. Being a line parent without help must be tough at times, I am very lucky because I do have some support from my parents and DS spends regular time with my ex (I say this is lucky, but I miss him so so much when he's there). In fact, my ex was useless when we were together so I actually have heaps more time than I did before, which is probably why I have been able to stop and think about how to fill that time

Yeah its hard and this is the other thing, when I do get spare time it's his bedtime (I also work full time) and I need that to just relax, take care of my basic needs, tick things off the to do list. You know what I mean. Someone would have to be extra special, like Tom Hardy special 😅 for me to give that up.
I wish you all the best and thanks again for the offered support

For me (in very very Ltr) I think it would be about things I would like to get sorted but can’t really be arsed mostly - getting all of my body moisturised so there were no flaky bits, start facepacks again (used to do regularly) body scrubs, just stuff that would make me feel more zingy - and making sure that anything next to my skin was absolutely comfortable as well as flattering ( and not 15 yrs old…)

I just wanted to update and let everyone know that after just one week of taking better care of myself I feel absolutely amazing! I have bought my favourite body cream, scrub, shower gel etc. and my skin looks and smells great. Huge deforestation programme has occurred over the weekend and I cannot believe how much more comfortable I am. Just taking the extra time to dry my hair properly or put on my eye makeup the way that I like to see it (instead of doing the bare minimum) makes all the difference to how I feel about myself. I have had a couple of days where I actually couldn't be arsed and didn't wear any makeup or whatever, and that was fine too because it was a choice rather than just not bothering with myself.
The big date is next week and I am very nervous of course, but I am happy with myself so going into things with the right sort of mindset. We have been chatting a lot and still clicking, so hopefully that chemistry will translate into real life.

Good luck, do not force it. If is not chemistry don't worry at all.
Have you seen this ticktock or youtube video of expectation Vs reality/what I ordered online Vs what I got. If this is the case just enjoy the date and have a laugh about it.

So glad your self care week has left you feeling good OP. Good luck with your upcoming date, keep expectations low and then you will be pleasantly surprised if you click!
Whatever happens you have made that important first step so well done for getting out there after all these years. Do post an update!