Abusive Ex can not stop talking to our child about our relationship…. It’s been over 4 years since I left.

[Darkdaysout]

He gets every other weekend now but couldn’t see her for years during court.

Every other weekend she comes home with stories of our relationship. This week he took her to the place we lived together and told her how I did nothing all day and he cared for me. It’s just utter rubbish. It’s constant stories of how he is the hero and me the bad guy. A judge stopped contact for years because of the emotional abuse and his lack of insight.

I don’t know why he can’t just let it go? Whether he can or can’t accept what he did to me is irrelevant now as we both moved on.

I always tell our daughter we remember things differently. Mummy left because she was unhappy and not being treated the way she wanted. It doesn’t matter what you are brought or how much money is spent on you what matters is how you feel in a relationship. Just because daddy says he did everything doesn’t mean mummy was happy.

I don’t want to go too far into the relationship and exactly what he did to me but I want her to know that you are allowed to feel things and leave relationships that don’t make you feel good.

What's your question? You can't control what he says. He won't let it go because he wants to control the dynamic. That's it.

How old is your DD? You could reapply to vary the existing order to amend contact and cite the emotional abuse of your child - because that’s what it is. Ask for a Cafcass worker to be assigned and document everything he says when he has her.

if you’re not keen on a slanging match in court then be prepared to sit it out until your child is of an age where she can make her own mind up and hat she believes and can tell Dad to put a sock in it.

I don’t know why he can’t just let it go after so many years. Why take her to our old flat we lived in 80 miles away 9 years ago and tell her how he looked after me every day because I did nothing? Why does it matter to him now he has another gf and baby?

Why can’t he enjoy the present day and the time he has with her and leave all that alone? It’s how he treats her that matters not why I’m not with him.

@Pablothepalm we were at court for 3 years. I honestly don’t think they would do anything if we went back. She wants to see her dad, she loves him and is physically safe. It’s just so pointless him constantly talking about me and him with him always the hero. I honestly think he is sick.

Your family and friends can remember a different history with her. That’s what I do for my relatives child. The things the child has come out with about someone so lovely make me cry.

Why does it even matter whose fault it was? We ended it’s over. I mean he was terribley abusive but I don’t want to tell her what he did to me. I don’t think it would achieve anything as she will have her own mind.

He's a sad petty little man who can't get to you directly so go throughs your daughter.

If you're not taking it back to court at least put her in therapy.

If something us provably incorrect correct it.

Otherwise "what a strange thing it was for your Dad to say/do that. It was such a long time ago now and our memories/ experience of that is very different. We'll at least you had a good time...."

Only elaborate if actively asked, if asked "I remember it being a challenge because.... but everyone's experience is different."

@StrawberryWater we’ve been over years now and I couldn’t care less what he says. That’s all in the past and I’ve moved on and worked through the trauma.

It feels like he just can’t have anyone think anything bad of him. We are all capable of being bad tho so he isn’t special although it appears he thinks he is.

She has some extra support at school. She was finding it hard and coming home in tears and very hostile. Today she said you know what mummy you never talk badly to me about my dad, I’m starting to not believe what he tells me.

And yes eventually you will need to tell her in an age appropriate way. It's lying by admission otherwise and you can find your inadvertently supporting any gas lighting he may be doing.

@Icedlatteplease I did say to her about the flat he took her to that daddy may have thought he did everything for me and I sat and did nothing but I was actually very unhappy living there. We had a different experience.

I think I'd have gone more with "that's a strange thing to say, I wonder who was looking after you/taking care of the house/etc while he worked. We must remember things very differently" never go up against him directly, especially if he is likely to produce a pretty little lie to get his way out of it.

You want to introduce and cement the space for there to be multiple ways of thinking other than her father 's without her needing to present a challenge. It's often when they actively challenged that abusive men become the most dangerous. Ideally you don't want that challenge to come when they are still in a position of having to go and be in a potentially unsafe situation.

@Icedlatteplease yes that makes sense. It was before any children. There was a period of time after I’d had an abortion (I was young and barely knew him and he’d told me he was infertile) that I was depressed and alone as he called me many awful names and told me I’d ruined his dreams etc etc and wanted nothing to do with what I had done or how I was feeling. I obviously can’t say that but yes we had very different experiences of that time.