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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

relationship advice

24 replies

ennorab · 27/11/2023 22:54

Sorry... my first (and long) post...

My girlfriend and I have been going out for about a year, we’ve known each other for a few years and she moved in with me just over a year ago. Initially as a friend but then things developed into a relationship.

Everything has been pretty good up until about 2-3 months ago when we had a bit of a fall out on holiday. Since coming back home, and for about a couple of months, things haven’t been great - up and down. But it has been a difficult time for my girlfriend as she lost a friend about a month ago who died unexpectedly, her grandmother had a fall and has been recovering in hospital and on top of all this - she has the ongoing difficult situation with her 17 year old daughter who decided a couple of years ago that she doesn’t really want to have anything to do with her. So all in all she’s not really been in the best place.

After a tricky few days with some difficult interactions - arguments and such like, I decided to get us some tickets to a concert so we could try and lift out of this funk we have been in. At this point it is worth pointing out that our dynamics that causes issues is usually about if I say something or react a certain way (almost always said or done without any harm or malice intended), she in turns reacts to that in a way that suggests my behaviour is wrong, unkind, unthoughtful, not loving, etc.

Anyway, we had one of those situations where she reacted to something I did and we drove almost the whole way without speaking. Still, I wasn’t put out by this and was looking forward to us going to the concert. However, near the venue as we drove through the city, something came over me - an insecurity - not sure why, but I felt an urge to ask her if she was texting other guys anything flirtatious or sexual in nature.

Well, this is where things took a turn. She got extremely upset and started shouting at me. I tried to explain the rationale behind my question, but this only seemed to anger her more.

She hit me and so I thought well we're not going to the concert together now - assuming she'd not want to come I said - I can drop you off at the train station if you want to make your way back home…

She kicked it up a notch - screaming at me, hitting me and spat in my face (whilst I am trying to drive - and through the middle of the city center) - I tried to calmly drive out of the center - she wanted to get out, so I let her out. She then made a huge scene crying and hyperventilating. I tried to calm her - she continued to scream at me and hit me again. People must have thought I was abusing or attacking her... Anyway eventually we got in the car - she was crying and hyperventilating the whole way home - I had to stop to let her out a few times along the way.

I know asking her about texting other men probably wasn't a great idea - but I wasn't expecting that sort of response. It was explosive and I was quite distressed being physically attacked and screamed at whilst trying to drive a car.

We didn’t see each other for a few days, she stayed away, but when she got back home. We sat down and had a talk, but it became clear she was adamant that I was completely in the wrong for asking her that question - she said I degraded and humiliated her. She said that I took her for a slut woman and that I was not a human.

I said to her that I don’t think I can continue in this relationship. She felt that it was unexpected for me to say that and that I should be grovelling and be more apologetic and understanding of what I caused and that it was my behaviour that led her to her actions. She felt I deserved being hit and that it didn’t compare to the apparent psychological abuse I was dishing out.

I was then left feeling guilty as she was saying how could I kick her out on the street - to which I have said I wouldn’t do that to anyone - suggesting that we should try and keep it amicable and she can sort something out.

I don’t know what to think - she seems to think my actions are in the wrong and that I deserved it, I should apologise and realise that I tipped her over the edge because of everything she was carrying on her shoulders.

OP posts:
Psychoticbreak · 27/11/2023 23:13

She spat in your face. That is assault.

Theonlywayisup1 · 27/11/2023 23:18

This is so abusive and toxic. Remove her from your life and find someone who treats you with respect and kindness. No one deserves being treated this way. She’s vile

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/11/2023 23:25

Yes just because she has had a rough time doesn't mean you're her punch bag emotionally or physically. You should break up. You can find someone who treats you well easily.

How old are you both? You seem young

JimBeamCoke · 27/11/2023 23:38

I can see why her daughter doesn’t want to have anything to do with her. You should probably draw the same conclusion.

What is the living arrangements? You started off as friends. Was she paying you rent? What about now you’re a couple?

Inaspot21 · 27/11/2023 23:43

In no way could you ‘deserve’ it, regardless of what you suggested. It was wholly abusive, appalling behaviour and also gaslighting to then try to turn it around on you. I’d say you need to exit this, and very swiftly. It will only get worse over time if you start accepting this type of behaviour, and could even escalate further!

Tiredbehyondbelief · 27/11/2023 23:45

Run. This is domestic abuse with your girlfriend being the abuser

AcrossthePond55 · 28/11/2023 00:33

She spat in your face
She said you 'deserved' to be physically abused
She is gaslighting and guilting you about the whole situation.

Seriously, you are right to want to end the relationship. 100% right. And she needs to go, now. If she 'stayed away' for a few days then she has someplace to go and she needs to go there.

If you say "Oh you can stay til you sort something" she will likely never leave. And if you think about it, if your sister or a female friend had told you their spouse/partner had hit them repeated, spat at them, and verbally abused them would you advise them to let that abusive man stay 'until they got something sorted'?

I will say that questioning someone's fidelity simply because you had argued and you 'felt an insecurity' is never a good thing to do. That being said her reaction was WAAAYYYYY over the top.

foxlover47 · 28/11/2023 00:38

Gosh , I've been spat at by my ex partner , it was so degrading I don't think I'll ever forget how low I felt.
Please tell her to find somewhere else and leave , she is a violent abuser and you deserve peace and decent treatment
Don't stay with her it will never get any better.
Be strong , you can do it

CallmePaul · 28/11/2023 01:06

Is absolutely & utterly no excuse for her to hit you, it's assault, she sounds very unbalanced.

You were far far calmer than I'd have been, she'd have been left on the side if the road if I were in your shoes & probably dragged out by me after being hit & spat at in the car.

Unquestionably it's over, you'd be crazy to think any other way, locks should have been changed & she'd never have come back in.

letspopthekettleon · 28/11/2023 01:13

Run for the hills. It will only get worse and will wear you down in every way

Nofilteritwonthelp · 28/11/2023 01:50

Sorry, just to add. Unless you want to try and salvage then I don't really see the point of ending things as such, as I'm sure she's not going to take any criticism (who of us would) anyway and much like with a romantic relationship sounds like you have the ick. If you don't want to be that passive, you could always just say that you're really busy at the moment or trying not yo use your phone so you'll be "off-line" for a bit.

Original poster
ennorab · 28/11/2023 08:57

We're in our late 40s!

OP posts:
Original poster
ennorab · 28/11/2023 09:02

Thanks for all your responses, I really appreciate seeing these responses. 🙏

OP posts:
Original poster
ennorab · 28/11/2023 09:04

Actually in terms of rent and living arrangements. She's only started paying me rent a couple months ago. Before she covered the cost of groceries.

OP posts:
Tiredbehyondbelief · 28/11/2023 10:02

There is a charity run by men to support in abusive relationships. I can't remember the name but the charity definitely exists. It often very difficult to walk away from an abusive relationship. I suggest you get in touch and get the support you need. I am not saying you partner will never change. She might change but first she needs to face a harsh reality that her behaviour is unacceptable. And then she needs counselling for her temper. It would her good whether you stay together or not

Watchkeys · 28/11/2023 11:31

I don’t know what to think

What would you say to someone else if they told you that their partner hit them and spat at them? Would you know what to think then?

ShennyInfinity · 28/11/2023 13:13

It's in her make up to lash out, hitting and spitting isn't acceptable in any shape or form, I honestly don't think she will change, you'll be stepping on glass and watching every word you say to her and I'm sure that's not how you want to spend the rest of your life. I'd have been mortally wounded if my partner asked me that question, is there something making you suspicious it seems a harsh question to ask? But having said that, her reaction was outrageous and and abusive and no basis for an emotionally mature partnership. I believe in your heart you know all this otherwise you wouldn't have posted, so you know the answer. She's not your responsibility either so I wouldn't risk letting her stay until she finds somewhere, she'll creep back into your life with lots of sorrys and will never do it again, she sounds Narcissistic to be honest and they never change.

Flyhigher · 28/11/2023 16:16

Get rid. She's not right. Damaged. Toxic.

Vuurhoutjies · 28/11/2023 16:20

This relationship is clearly toxic. Of course she shouldn't have been hitting you and that should be 100% a reason to end this relationship right there.

Probably irrelevant as it's no excuse for her hitting you, but I am wondering what "At this point it is worth pointing out that our dynamics that causes issues is usually about if I say something or react a certain way (almost always said or done without any harm or malice intended), she in turns reacts to that in a way that suggests my behaviour is wrong, unkind, unthoughtful, not loving, etc." means?

My guess is that you do not give her what she needs and she very clearly is NOT giving you what you need, plus she has got physical with you.

Move on.

Bobbotgegrinch · 28/11/2023 16:22

No matter what the lead up to it was, she hit you repeatedly and spat in your face. That's physical abuse.

Kick her out of your home and don't feel guilty about it for a second.

GoldDuster · 28/11/2023 16:27

I said to her that I don’t think I can continue in this relationship

Wise decision. You're not necessarily going to be able to 'stay friends' and ask her to leave her home, but you do need to do what you need to do. It's unlikely you'll get her to leave amicably, but press forth. You need to be apart, that is clear.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 28/11/2023 16:32

So you let her move in with you for free and then started sleeping with her, and she only started paying rent a few months ago? Those were some really bad decisions, ones I would expect someone in their 40s to have grown out of. She's behaved horribly and it sounds like the relationship had hit the doldrums before that anyway. She needs to find somewhere else to freeload live asap.

Original poster
ennorab · 28/11/2023 17:30

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 28/11/2023 16:32

So you let her move in with you for free and then started sleeping with her, and she only started paying rent a few months ago? Those were some really bad decisions, ones I would expect someone in their 40s to have grown out of. She's behaved horribly and it sounds like the relationship had hit the doldrums before that anyway. She needs to find somewhere else to freeload live asap.

yeah, long story short - she initially needed a place to live as she moved out of her old place with intentions of having sold her flat abroad and she was then planning on getting a canal boat to live on. I said she could stay whilst that happened (assuming it was a couple of months or so). anyway - yes, bad decisions.

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