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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ending a friendship

20 replies

TroubleMakingWitch · 27/11/2023 22:27

I’m not 100% sure if this is the right place to post but here goes….

I have a friend that I met about 9/10 years ago.

As time has passed I’ve just felt the friendship has become more and more one-sided. She has little to no interest in most of what I say or do. I often just feel like someone that she can offload to when it suits. I don’t want to assassinate her character but essentially she is a bit of a spoilt brat and thinks the world revolves around her.

Things came to a head when she forgot my 40th birthday. I just feel like I’m done. And even without the birthday mishap - the conclusion is the same. The birthday thing is actually quite minor to be honest.

Anyway - in a nutshell I want to end the friendship.
I’ve had a few messages off her which I’ve ignored. I’m not proud of this but I just don’t think an open conversation would have any benefit.

Should I leave things as they are? Or send an official message “ending” things?

What would people advise?

TLDR…. Best way to end a friendship that has no hope of recovery!!

OP posts:
Banana1979 · 27/11/2023 22:32

Hi I wouldn’t message to say that you are ending the friendship, I would just politely decline all offers to meet and just don’t message her again
if she continues to message you just ignore them
I had a friend like this I just never messaged her back one today and she hasn’t messaged since. I guess I made the right decision.
in saying that, have you told her how she makes you feel? Often self-centred people don’t know how they are behaving until they actually told.

Watchkeys · 27/11/2023 22:37

Just be too busy to see her. She's not worried about your feelings. If she was, you wouldn't be ending the friendship. Why are you concerning yourself with hers?

Original poster
TroubleMakingWitch · 27/11/2023 22:41

Banana1979 · 27/11/2023 22:32

Hi I wouldn’t message to say that you are ending the friendship, I would just politely decline all offers to meet and just don’t message her again
if she continues to message you just ignore them
I had a friend like this I just never messaged her back one today and she hasn’t messaged since. I guess I made the right decision.
in saying that, have you told her how she makes you feel? Often self-centred people don’t know how they are behaving until they actually told.

I haven't told her. I'm not great at this kind of thing.... I know she's had a lot of friendships that have sizzled out (usually within a matter of months). She has a victim mentality though so she never thinks she is the issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
TroubleMakingWitch · 27/11/2023 22:43

Watchkeys · 27/11/2023 22:37

Just be too busy to see her. She's not worried about your feelings. If she was, you wouldn't be ending the friendship. Why are you concerning yourself with hers?

You're right! I don't know why I feel guilty. I've consistently been there for nearly a decade now and not really got anything back.

I probably need to look at my own friendship skills to be honest as this isn't the first friendship I've had where it's been all one sided. I'm too much of a people pleaser!

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 27/11/2023 22:44

You sound like you don’t like her at all. She’s not actually a friend so just decline future meet ups.

Original poster
TroubleMakingWitch · 27/11/2023 22:46

Yep. I think ignoring her is probably the best option.

I'm massively overthinking it and feeling guilty Confused

OP posts:
billy1966 · 28/11/2023 00:20

As @Banana1979 has written.

Mute her and simply never reply again.

Relationships are reciprocal.

One sided ones lead to nothing but dissatisfaction and disappointment and are a complete waste of your time.

Only spent time with those that are interested in your life as you are with their's.

It's not difficult to recognise and will save you years.

Original poster
TroubleMakingWitch · 28/11/2023 00:30

billy1966 · 28/11/2023 00:20

As @Banana1979 has written.

Mute her and simply never reply again.

Relationships are reciprocal.

One sided ones lead to nothing but dissatisfaction and disappointment and are a complete waste of your time.

Only spent time with those that are interested in your life as you are with their's.

It's not difficult to recognise and will save you years.

Thank you Smile

OP posts:
Canyoucheckonme · 28/11/2023 00:41

Hi OP, have you read Friendaholic by Elizabeth Day? It's really good and covers this subject comprehensively. Also, she and her best friend do a podcast called Best Friend Therapy. They've just finished recording a few episodes which deal with friendship break ups, you'd find them helpful I'm sure

I broke up with a friend in the summer. We'd also been friends for around a decade, but I felt the relationship was one-sided and we had little in common any more. I'm glad I ended it, and don't miss all her drama. Just sad I lost a couple of close friends in the process as they took her side. Normally I'd just do what others have said and just let the relationship fizzle out, but she wanted me to be a bridesmaid and I just couldn't do it as it felt disingenuous.

Original poster
TroubleMakingWitch · 28/11/2023 00:49

Canyoucheckonme · 28/11/2023 00:41

Hi OP, have you read Friendaholic by Elizabeth Day? It's really good and covers this subject comprehensively. Also, she and her best friend do a podcast called Best Friend Therapy. They've just finished recording a few episodes which deal with friendship break ups, you'd find them helpful I'm sure

I broke up with a friend in the summer. We'd also been friends for around a decade, but I felt the relationship was one-sided and we had little in common any more. I'm glad I ended it, and don't miss all her drama. Just sad I lost a couple of close friends in the process as they took her side. Normally I'd just do what others have said and just let the relationship fizzle out, but she wanted me to be a bridesmaid and I just couldn't do it as it felt disingenuous.

I haven't read it, however I've just read the synopsis and it sounds like it will be a worthwhile read! I will add it to my audible wish list.

It's a shame that you lost other friends during your break up but it sounds like it was the right decision.

It's really refreshing to read that other people have had a similar dilemma and managed to free themselves. It's more common than I realised!

OP posts:
Nofilteritwonthelp · 28/11/2023 01:47

Just phase her out, take ages to reply to messages, always be too busy to catch up. It sounds like she won't even notice anyway!

Frances0911 · 28/11/2023 01:57

The next time you see her, just talk about yourself non stop, and show little interest in anything she says. I doubt you'll hear from her again, job done!

Watchkeys · 28/11/2023 06:03

What happened when you were a kid, to condition you into being a people pleaser, OP? Usually it's to do with our parents. Were they often expecting that you would 'do the right thing'? Looking after a sibling or someone ill? Expected to do well at school? Somehow always putting your own needs to one side in favour of someone else's?

IWIllDoItNowInAMinute · 28/11/2023 06:23

I also wouldn’t send a break up message. I don’t think friendships need it. Not because friends don’t deserve respect, but because it’s normal for friendships to naturally drift away anyway. Friends for a season, reason or lifetime comes to mind. She was obviously a friend for a season or reason so just let it slide. As others have said reply less, be less interested, slow fade. I have both done that to people and had it done to me. Although it stings I know it would hurt more if someone ‘broke up’ with me and officially said they were no longer my friend. It would feel huge, whereas I can just assume they are busy etc and move on with my life with being faded out IYSWIM.

workshy46 · 28/11/2023 13:10

I wouldn't ghost her, I think that is cruel and bad behavior. Take longer to reply - don't commit to meeting and if she pushes you on it just say you don't feel you have anything in common anymore.

1975wasthebest · 28/11/2023 13:32

It’s so cowardly and perhaps unhealthy to ghost or slow fade. I don’t know why so many people on here encourage it.

Original poster
TroubleMakingWitch · 28/11/2023 13:36

Canyoucheckonme · 28/11/2023 01:04

Are you on Insta? This post really resonates with me

https://www.instagram.com/p/C0B_rWkrr7O/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

That quote really hits the nail on the head!!
Seems so obvious but I've probably quashed that feeling for years!

OP posts:
Original poster
TroubleMakingWitch · 28/11/2023 13:39

Watchkeys · 28/11/2023 06:03

What happened when you were a kid, to condition you into being a people pleaser, OP? Usually it's to do with our parents. Were they often expecting that you would 'do the right thing'? Looking after a sibling or someone ill? Expected to do well at school? Somehow always putting your own needs to one side in favour of someone else's?

I tick all those boxes... I was 1 of 6 siblings and came from a family with an absent father and an alcoholic, abusive mother. As the oldest girl within in the family I guess I took over "mother" role.

I felt I was responsible for my siblings and I would constantly be keeping watch over my mum and trying to meet her needs too.

Lots to unpack there!!

OP posts:
Original poster
TroubleMakingWitch · 28/11/2023 13:40

IWIllDoItNowInAMinute · 28/11/2023 06:23

I also wouldn’t send a break up message. I don’t think friendships need it. Not because friends don’t deserve respect, but because it’s normal for friendships to naturally drift away anyway. Friends for a season, reason or lifetime comes to mind. She was obviously a friend for a season or reason so just let it slide. As others have said reply less, be less interested, slow fade. I have both done that to people and had it done to me. Although it stings I know it would hurt more if someone ‘broke up’ with me and officially said they were no longer my friend. It would feel huge, whereas I can just assume they are busy etc and move on with my life with being faded out IYSWIM.

Thank you - really good advice Smile

OP posts:
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