C-ptsd and struggling with relationships

[lula99]

Hi MN, just wondering if anyone can relate or offer any advice please. Sorry for the length of this post.
I’m in my early 30s and was diagnosed with C-ptsd (due to childhood trauma) a few years ago after having a bit of a breakdown. I had over a year of therapy and got on meds. I started living a healthier lifestyle and it’s all helped so much. I feel like a different person in a lot of ways.
The main thing I am still struggling with is romantic relationships. This wasn’t really something we covered too much in therapy as I find it almost impossible to talk about.
However, the issue is that I’m only very very very rarely interested in someone romantically. I usually feel like I have to force myself to like them at the start. I’m not sure if this is trauma based/fear of abandonment/commitment issues ect or that I am just super independent and happy alone.
I have had one long term relationship of 2 years (before my breakdown and therapy) but I even felt I had to force my feelings for him at the start. I remember thinking ‘I have to have a boyfriend because it’s not normal to be 25 and not have had one’. But I did grow to truly love him. This unfortunately turned out to be quite toxic and he ended up stalking me when I broke things off. I’ve since had three 3 month ‘relationships’ but those have not worked out as we were not right for each other. One was more recent and he turned out to be a walking red flag and he really hurt me.
Part of my childhood trauma is very poor relationships with all the men in my life. Domestic violence from several male family members and abandonment when I was a child and also as a teen.
I am a super independent person and genuinely love my own company. I have a great job and friends. I have a very active social life. Truth be told I don’t have a problem attracting potential partners, but nothing ever lasts. It’s usually, but not always, me who breaks things off. For me the worst part about being single is the judgment I get from others as opposed to actually being single.
I’m becoming more aware of my biological clock and I think I do want kids. I just want to explore this issue because I don’t want things to carry on as they are and then I end up loosing the opportunity to have a child.
Im also conscious that dating is increasingly difficult and online dating is not the best. So this might be having an impact too.
What do people think? Am I deeply scared of men? Or am a just happy alone? Do I need more therapy?
Please share your thoughts or experience if anyone can relate.
Thanks so much for any insights 🙏

I don’t know but I could have written this!
Im now free of C-PTSD symptoms, and am older at 43 but I’ve been single since I was 30 - nothings lasted longer than 6 months and in recent years (past 5) only one 6 month relationship.

I also attract lots of people but rarely actually fancy anyone.

Thats a lot to unpick OP.
You say you are ready for a relationship but it doesn't read like that.
Can you go back to therapy and unpick why
If your relationships don't last, it's not always your partners fault. Why do you pull the plug? Why do they not last longer than three months?
I would go back to counselling.

No advice op, sorry, just following with interest. Would you consider having a child solo?

@MiddleagedBeachbum how did you finally get past your CPTSD if you don't mind me asking?

It sounds to me that if you have had therapy which really helped previously but didn't really touch on this, it would be worth exploring this in therapy now.

It could be that yes you are quite happy single and that's it, absolutely fine. But the fact you say you found it really hard to talk about relationships in therapy makes me wonder if you may have some more complicated feelings there which you could be avoiding. So if you do want to understand yourself better in that regard, therapy sounds like the best option.

I could have written this. Here's something you may not have on your radar- it's very likely you have been choosing people who will fit in your need to fix what happened to you. I'll just use myself as an example and you see if it resonates in some way for you. I find someone who isn't available emotionally or commitment-wise, I also say I don't want that, but deep down I actually want him to become connected with me on every level, and fight tooth and nail to commit to me. Not because I want that or want him, or even like him. It's because I want him to fix the big open wounds created in me by my abusers. I was the scapegoat in my family. I was abused and abandoned. Deep inside all of my motivations in life are to fix that, make it heal over like it never happened. But that's a really unhealthy thing to do. At least in this manner! What always always happens is that I'm abused and abandoned, just like before. Every single time. I'm a bit older than you and have done a crazy amount of therapy focused on DV. It took me a long time to realize this is what I do because I stay single for long periods of time. Try to see if there's a pattern in your dating. Look at the details of your past abuse, and see if that lines up with those patterns. If it does add up, go back to therapy and talk about that. Go back to therapy and talk about dating no matter what. Even after I realized my issue I still haven't figured out how to beat it. I actually haven't decided whether to date again or just enjoy not being abused or abandoned! I have kids so it's easier to stay single maybe. Anyway, I hope this helps. It's rough out there, put yourself first always, ignore others' opinions, they are just disturbing your peace.

Hi OP, I am in my 40s, I had a year of trauma therapy starting 2021 to heal from CPTSD that had negatively impacted me my whole adult life. The therapy did me the world of good but I have continued the work on my own. In particular, learning about attachment theory, which is about the pattern of relationships you learn in early childhood and then repeat in your adulthood. This has been revolutionary for me.

Thank you all for your thoughts. I think I will look into going back to therapy.
I’m interested in learning more about attachment. @AltheaVestr1t could you point me in the direction of any good resource to start with please?
Thanks again for all the replies 🙏

Watching this thread with interest.

Another C-ptsd sufferer here. I have managed to hold down a long relationship which unfortunately has been on the decline over the past 5 years or so. It coincides with some major events happening that caused damage to the relationship but also, ironically, the better I seem to get (I have had a lot of therapy with more planned shortly), the more I view the relationship in a negative light (I'm also perimenopausal so not sure how this is impacting things.)

Yes attachment therapy is interesting. I am always drawn to avoidant types/not emotionally available. This has been a pattern.

EMDR and IFS might be good places to start.

Unfortunately I also have CPTSD from emotionally unavailable parents & 3 abusive relationships

Saw a trauma & abuse counsellor for the last year working on inner child work & attachment styles which has helped massively

Starting EMDR next year to see if that can help reduce my symptoms

It's actually quite a diagnosis to go through, to understand this is why I've struggled so much with friendships & relationships with men all my life, I literally had no idea until my counsellor told me. Have read a few books about it & it does all make sense

Just wanted to say you're not alone