How to approach leaving husband with Mental health issues

[Nicaced10]

I keep thinking over and over how do I leave and the fear consumes me.

context - met him at 16 been with him ever since have 3 children. I’ve been a people pleaser my whole life and had a really rubbish childhood. So normally people trample all over me and I just take. But not anymore at 37 I’m not living the remainder of my life like this any longer ! I’ve listed pros and cons (I know I appear crazy 🤣)

pros

• loyal
• loves me and children
• cooks
• protective

cons
-addicted to cannabis spends over £150 a week on it to medicate his mental health problems (not helping just masking)
despite both working full time and me doing all housework and dealing with the children he doesn’t even give me half towards the bills so I pay more.
Christmas, birthdays, Easter, holidays etc I’m left to deal with it all and pay it all. An odd time he may give a little.

• moody, irritable, nasty
• blames me for everything
• I have to run his whole life right down to which stance for train.
• moans at the kids for simply being kids.
• wants sex constantly
• ostracised me from all my friends as apparently they were all slag.

Honestly there is lots more but I’m done with him and his insane family, his family most don’t squeak. They’ve been in prison etc so I don’t go near them and I don’t let my children which also causes arguments.

Now money wise there’s no issues I don’t need anything I can sort me and kids out fine. House is rented so I’m happy to leave I’ll buy something for me and kids. I’m not planning to go right now I’m sorting everything first.

But how do I get the guts to do it ? I’m terrified he’ll either kill himself or make my life unbearable.

Anyone leave a man like this ? I feel so responsible for him like he’s an additional child. And if you did leave how are things now ?

I will defo be going through with it I deserve happiness. I’m just so scared 😟

thank you for reading and any responses

Honestly - all of your 'pros' are just the bare minimum. This guy brings no added value to your life and you are NOT responsible for any actions he takes if you end this relationship. You will live a life of misery otherwise, you deserve so much more!

Just approach it gently. Be firm that it is going to happen. Don't buy a house until you are divorced so he has no claim on it.

Have a think if you need to get a temporary rental sorted before you tell him or if you are able to talk through both of your housing needs going forward so he has the option of having a place sorted so he can have the kids overnight, or whatever you decide.

I guess you just state your position, this relationship is over for me, I will always care about you as the father of our children but us, as a couple we are over.

I would tell someone you trust if there is anyone, anyone an old friend or family member whom you trust that you are going to tell him and when in case he gets angry.

But if you are fair, take into account that he will only just be hearing this change of plan for the first time, but make sure you remain absolutely clear and firm, what else can you do?

Yes I’m initially going to sort a rental and move all stuff slowly. I won’t buy until we’re divorced.

I will just be clear that as a couple we are at the end. I could stand and list a million reasons why but he wouldn’t hear a word of it. He tells me daily I’m so lucky to have him 🤦‍♀️ and I don’t even care if he knows I just cannot wait to be free and do as I please, what a feeling that’s going to be.

I guess it’s just his reaction and worrying If he’ll take his life but that’s such a crap responsibility on my shoulders as well.

But, in the fairly unlikely even that he really did take his own life - that is HIS responsibility, not yours. His life is his to own and do with as he wishes - as your life is yours. If he tells you he is about to take his life, then you call police and get a wellness check done on him, but he is an adult and responsible for himself.

You are doing the right thing by leaving. If you stay for fear of what he might do, then you are not a wife, you are a hostage.

Thank you I keep needing to remind myself of that, I suppose the overthinking is probably worse in my head.

I would keep my plans to myself until they were fully made, then present him with what's happening.

I’m terrified he’ll either kill himself or make my life unbearable.

It's not your responsibility to keep him alive, and he's making your life unbearable as it stands. You have nothing to lose and will more than likely flourish without him.

No advice but following with interest as I also plan to leave my husband with mental and ither health issues. Also concerned he might threaten to hurt himself and will probably end up in a downward spiral, at least for a while. Just like you, I feel like I have just another dependant relying on me to provide for him, not a partner.

Isn't your life pretty unbearable already?

He's a horrible role model for your kids and by staying you'd be sort of saying "this is OK, this is normal, this is what you put up with". By leaving you're demonstrating it's not.

If when you leave, you think he might hurt himself, get his MH team involved or call the police for a welfare check or inform his family - there are other avenues for support for him than you. Mostly though, it's likely just to be a threat to keep you in place.

Good luck op. Set yourself free from the drug-addled cocklodger.
He’ll be fine. Men like this soon find some poor woman to move in with.

@GoldDuster
that is the plan I am not saying anything about my plans until i am actually about to go.

And I know I will just need to focus on the end goal.

@Stuckandunhappy
it is so hard isn’t and even harder when they rely on you for every single thing. I feel he literally can’t do anything without me.

But he will need to learn because I’m adamant this will not be the rest of my life. Start slowly planning things like getting some money away and where you’d live etc, it will take time but can give you hope x

@category12
i definitely won’t be staying and living life like this. I’m just trying to make my move wisely so everything is properly in place for me and the children. I just want everything to be approached calmly and even to try and sort things out for him to an extent.

It is just the guilt I feel like I’m doing something wrong (I know I’m not). And I probably think the worst case scenario it’s just scary. But I’ll get there and the fact I’m now telling some people what I’m putting up with and they’re shocked so it’s making it more real that I’m not pretending anymore.

@GreekDogRescue

thank you and I bloody hope so 🤣 another woman dealing with his issues would be bliss.

You are not his possession OP.

He can't "keep" you.