Would you give up work in these circumstances

[Notsurewhatnext]

I am almost 50. DC is a young adult with complex SN (needs 24/7 support and will do so lifelong). My marriage is not great. No shared finances. DH outearns me but we tend to go 50/50 most expenses creating an imbalance (he has savings, can afford things which I cannot - he holidays alone for example as my part time wage doesn't stretch to airplanes into the sunshine).

I have the option to take redundancy (will be in the region of 15k). My work is part time (16h); my annual salary is a bit above. Work mainly from home with the odd day in the office which I do when we have social care hours.

I am really burned out from years of either caring or working. I don't have much time to myself. I do enjoy work but are not crazy for it. My heart says take the redundancy pay, claim carers allowance, take a year out and find something else. DH says it is up to me. However, my head says, stay put. If I don't find another job within a year I will run out of money and I need a lot of flexibility which my current employer is giving me.

What do I do? I need to decide this week and I am really struggling.

Don’t stop working.

Divorce him due to his financial abuse, then follow your plan.

I don’t think I’d stop working. You’ll leave yourself vulnerable, as the 15k will go quickly.

Do you have a good pension & any other savings as a back up?

@EdgarsTale Pension Not great - I will be getting the full state pension though. My private pension pot is worth about 40k only as I only worked part time since having DC. Not much in saving. About 6k rainy day fund.

Oh god @Notsurewhatnext please divorce him. You will then get half of all of ’his savings’ as the parent of a child with SEN who has had to leave work to meet their needs (still small) I would never ever have done that without 100% access to my high earning husbands entire wage and my own savings pot being paid in to ‘just incase’.

You have done so much unpaid labour to allow him to advance his career and he goes on holiday without you because you can’t afford it???? WHAT

I completely agree with @Thehonestbadger

Do not give up working - if you run out of money before getting another job, you cannot rely on him to help you. I can’t believe he goes on holiday alone rather than pay for you to go with him.

As another poster has said, if you divorce him you will be entitled to a portion of his money you have no access to just now. Consider seeking legal advice. This is financial abuse.

Divorce him. Then decide what to do about work. Your set up is horrendous.

Go with your gut feeling re work and stay but get rid of DH - whats the point of being with him?

You'll need to plan a divorce at some stage to get access to a percentage of his pension.

Who is caring for your son as you won't be here forever so don't make that your full time job. It's unfair on you and him as it means change later on in life.

No, I wouldn't take the redundancy personally unless it's really easy for you to step into another job ... in which case, go for it.

Your husband is a monster. You work PT for peanuts to look after your shared child , yet still pay half of all expenses and don't get to go on holiday because the dirty bastard won't pay for it? By rights you should go FT and dump all caring duties on him. Failing that, take him to the cleaners in a proper divorce.

Thanks all, it's what my head is telling me too. I will probably give the redundancy a pass.

@PosterBoy DC will need supported living. it's incredibly hard to access and a huge shortage locally. And I don't mind them at home for now a a few more years. They are my best friend and there are a lot of things we do enjoy doing together even though things are incredibly hard at times.

DH isn't on megabucks btw - he is doing around 50k. We are in the Midlands so it doesn't stretch that far. But I understand that his salary is loads better than mine and that it was achieved on my sacrifices.

We are stuck as we didn't do it early enough and the transition is too hard now. Ironically of course it will be even more devastating after bereavement. I wouldn't recommend it as an option.

Your dh sounds awful. Give up work and divorce him. That way you'll get a fair pension and what you're entitled to re savings and his pension. Sounds very cold and calculated but that's what I'd do.

spoke to a few friends yesterday who suggested to take redundancy, pocket the money, find the full time job and move out and force DH into the caring role. At first I was gob smacked but I slept over it and it seems less outlandish today. Anyone ever done something like that IRL?

Tbh, I probably don't have the balls to go through with it as I love DC too much but it is an idea which never occured to me before.

Your dh sounds like an absolutely dreadful man, so no way would I give up work.

And reading your post is actually heartbreaking. A lifetime of caring and a husband who won't financially support you in that role. Absolutely horrific

It's not a marriage if one person saves all the money in his name and takes holidays on his own because his wife can't afford the plane fare.

Divorce him now and stay in work from now on. If you can get your child into supported living in another area then you could start again, if that's something you feel you can do.