I really need help...

[Tempnamefornnow]

Name change for this but I've been here for years.

I'm so incredibly embarrassed to admit that I have an alcohol problem. I've known for the last couple of years that it's been getting worse but I kept thinking I could control it and get back to where I was. Recently it's been bad. While I don't drink every day, I do drink 3/4 nights a week and often alone.

The reason I drink is because I'm lonely.

DS is 7 and is in bed sound asleep by 7.30 each night. DH has a medical issue which causes him a lot of pain and means he doesn't sleep well, so often he goes up to bed around 8.30pm. If he stays up with me, he's just zombied on his phone or snoozing. He does tend to go out once a week with his mates and I always feel a bit hurt that he can make the effort to see and spend time with them, but there isn't much or any effort to do the same with me.

His medical issue means we don't have sex (maybe once every few months), we often don't sleep together because his sleep issue means he often disturbs me so he choses to go into a different room, we can't do much at the weekends because of his pain and limited mobility and generally I just feel so stuck in a rut.

I do 90% of the housework, we both work full time, DS has several activities he does over the weekends which I take him too. None of this suffers because of my drinking which I think means I'm functioning.

But my relationship is down the toilet. Around once a week I drink far too much and DH and I have a blazing row. I know it's largely my fault for drinking but I just feel so unsupported, so alone and so lonely. But how can I be mad at DH when he isn't choosing to be the way he is? He's always had a short fuse but the pain he's in means he's always in a bad mood, DS is often in trouble for really basic kid things, I will piss DH off if I say something in the wrong tone, or whinge at him to help more.

I came clean to DH about my drink problem a few weeks ago and he said he would be there for me to help me, but he hasn't. Nothing has changed. This weekend was exactly the same as every other. I can't burden him with my problem and I'm supposed to be there for him at the moment with his condition. I just don't know what to do anymore.

There's an alcohol support section on here where I'm sure they'll have lot of help for your specifically about the drinking issue. It's good that you've recognised it and are talking about it and know that you need to do something.

Your relationship sounds very difficult and it's not surprising you feel stuck in a rut. Do you need to be in at home every evening? Can you go out when DS is in bed, to the gym or an exercise/yoga class? I expect it depends on the nature of your DH's medical issue, but as you say, if he can manage to go out with his mates, you shouldn't be so trapped and having to do everything with no release valve. Whatever happens with your relationship and with getting support to stop drinking, it sound like you need to get out and do something positive for yourself so your identity isn't subsumed into this spiral.

I used to go to the gym but I just don't have any motivation to go.

I'm not tied to the house in the evenings, but I don't have any urge or desire to leave. I want to be home. What I actually want is to be at home having a cuddle or a nice meal with DH like we used to. I think the reason I don't go out is so I don't miss the opportunity if it does present itself.

I think I'm actually worried to post in the alcohol support section because then it feels more real. I don't want to have this problem.

Please do post there for that reason. It's Monday and you've been brave to get this far. You want to make a change and it is absolutely the right thing to do. It's the next step towards dealing with the problem rather than having it and sliding back into denial.

I don't have any urge or desire to leave. I want to be home. What I actually want is to be at home having a cuddle or a nice meal with DH like we used to. I think the reason I don't go out is so I don't miss the opportunity if it does present itself

This is very sad and feels like you need to get some counselling for yourself to deal with the effects of DH's medical issues on the relationship. You're clinging onto this hope for how things were while the reality is unbearable with the blazing rows and the drinking, so the answer can't be staying in on the hopes of some crumbs of affection. That will only be adding to the resentment and feeling trapped. No one really gets the urge to go out of the house. It's something you do because it will pay dividends despite not wanting to do it, so you would be much better off making yourself go out and getting the benefit. But if you're more at the stage of wanting to stay in and feel sad and drink then you definitely need to get help, both on the other board on here and IRL.

Thank you so much for posting so kindly. I feel so stupid because I do understand that I need to stop drinking, I need to woman up and focus on things I can control, but I just don't do it.

I've tried talking therapies in the past, I can't afford to pay for counselling, I found them utterly useless.

I've posted on the alcohol support page. I just want this to stop.

Hello OP, I'm a recovering alcoholic. Well done on acknowledging you've got a problem - before you end up losing things from your life irrevocably.

I started off like you just having a few too many in the evenings to "cope" with various stresses, with an ocassional binge. I wound up completely isolated having lost my home, all my friends, most of my family and if my son wasn't already an adult he would most certainly have been removed from me. I know many other women who've lost their health, jobs, driving licenses and ultimately end up in prison or dead through the disease of addiction.

If you'd like to talk privately, please feel free to PM me.

Well done for posting on there. Stay on it as they can be really good over the longer term as well as initially. Sorry you've had crap experiences with the counselling in the past. It does feel like you need some help adjusting to the changes in your relationship and maybe something more practical like CBT could help, but for now focus on dealing with the drinking and doing positive things for yourself to fill that gap. You sound so down on yourself and yet you're doing so much for your family and it's absolutely not about being stupid. It's a complicated and difficult emotional situation and you've already made a big step forward. Keep on going and try to be kind to yourself.

I just keep thinking how DS deserves better, so does DH. Before his condition he did so much and he's really struggling. But rather than being the supportive and understanding wife he needs, I'm a needy drunk.

You have stated the reasons why you have stated drinking clearly and it seems to me that your DH is treating you badly.

It sounds as if his medical conditions puts extra work on you (housework/lifts for DS), and in spite of this your DH is moody with you and gets pissed of with you and your DS for seeming trivial things.

You say he always had a short fuse. I think you need to think really carefully how much of his ill temper is due to his condition and how much is just his personality.

You say he can manage to go out with friends once a week. Is he bad tempered with his friends? If he can be nice to them, he can be nice to his family.

I have read many people on here say that although they live with chronic pain they don’t abuse their loved ones, pain or not.

Well done for recognising the alcohol problem, but I think you also have a DH problem as well.

It sounds like he is controlling you with his bad temper. Do you think he thinks of you as his equal? Probably not.

But he seems to have withdrawn all mental support, love and care/

I don't think it's right that you're taking all the blame on yourself.

I can promise that the way DH is now is not how he used to be. Yes he's always had a short fuse but nothing like this. He's in tremendous amounts of pain and doesn't sleep well. Some days, when he's had a good sleep or isn't in pain, he's like my DH again, he's loving and playful and kind. He is hopefully getting surgery in the next few months which should make a massive difference, but until then, he's on tramadol daily and he needs someone to be understanding