Is this emotional abuse?

[jugglingeverything77]

My DH acts like this on and off- not all the time but on saturday we went out for his birthday dinner and it was awful. His friend and daughter, my mum and brother were there and our 3 kids. From the outset he set to embarass me. He first joked about how I spent more than I earn now I'm working in a shop and have access to the shops in town at lunchtimes (not true). I tried to defend myself but it kind of went on deaf ears. Then as soon as he realised later on that we may miss our train back home he rudely interrupted me talking to my family at our end of the table saying we have to go. Then he realised there was another later train so we decided to go for icecream. We started walking down the street and he says 'where are you going??' (in a way that implied we were stupid for walking that way) I said to get icecream he said we're going here (there was another one nearby) in a tone that insinuated we were dumb for not realising. In the icecream place he said more than once to his friend how selfish I was for not driving. erm we discussed it earlier in the week and decided to get the train in, not once did he mention he'd rather I drove -and it's not like it's far, it's a 10 minute journey home. He was irritated as we'd missed the train he wanted to get back but there were more later on.

I just felt like he was constantly criticizing me either in a jokey or more obvious/nasty way.

I would usually call him up on it when it happens as it has happened before but I couldn't do it in front of everyone and when we got home I just couldn't face a fight.

Is he also gaslighting me?? On a day to day basis he's not this bad however there are jokey comments on a regular basis about me being dumb (I'm not dumb I've just completed my 2nd degree). He has also in the past put me down in a jokey way in front of his and my parents. Its humiliating. He also says things like I'm rubbish at doing the food shopping as I don't do it properly and I forget things. He jokes about my driving- I've only had 2 crashes in the 25 years I've been driving and he's probably had similar. He jokes I never clean- I don't do enough but he does zero. (when I say this he goes on about how he takes the kids to all the clubs- which is true but he always has a counter arguement about everything to win every time)

I gave him a birthday card today and didn't even feel like putting 'lots of love from' as I felt so angry and I feel like his behaviour is chipping away at any love I have left for him.

Note: he's not always horrible, sometimes very loving and we can go for weeks being content/happy....

You need to get your own bank account! Especially if you’ve got your own business, how are you managing that without one?

it’s natural to feel annoyed when someone makes a mistake; it’s abuse to have such a go at them that they cry. He sounds really nasty.

my ex got me to where I couldn’t cross the road without him saying when to go, my confidence was so bad. I suddenly realised that I could manage it perfectly fine if I was on my own.

If you’re not sure how to get your own bank account, women’s aid should be able to help x

@jugglingeverything77 hope you’re ok. Sending hugs x

I'm more concerned saying you've only had two crashes each in the past 25 years.. as if it's normal..
Also implementing it your fault.
That's not normal . It's very concerning.
P.S yes your husband is a nasty person.. I've had all that in the past. I left and had to have counselling.

My ex was a bit like this, not as bad as yours actually but very critical and also got angry when I made mistakes. I didn’t realise how bad it was until we split up. I also didn’t realise how much it was affecting my life and confidence and overall sense of myself. It chips away at you.

In my experience this won’t improve - can you get therapy to start getting your head around the possibility of separation?

It sounds miserable. Start doing little things to re-establish your independence so at least you are working towards possibly living without him, so that you more easily have a choice. Getting your own bank account will help enormously with this. It will be a confidence boost as well as being a practical necessity. Try and think of a way you can set up your own bank account and sell it to him as being reasonable, so it doesn't cause even more friction perhaps? I inherited a small amount of money from an aunt and said that I would put it away for a rainy day, so we didn't use it for day to day spending by accident. I opened a savings account in my sole name and then a current account with a debit card. When the debit card arrived in the post, my husband saw it of course and questioned why I had got a current account. I said so that I could link the savings account to it and then if we needed the money we could get it easily by transferring it to the current account and then drawing it out of the local ATM. I ended up having to hand all the money over to him about 2 weeks after I got it naturally, BUT it still left me with a current account and debit card in my own name. My first salary for years should be paid into it at the end of the month, hurrah!! And I will NOT be handing it all over to him. 🙂 If you can think of any reason to separate some money away from day to day spending, whether it's for Xmas presents or something else, maybe do that and open a bank account to put it in.

Thanks for the replies. Sorry I went awol. I think I'm in denial on and off and just buried my head in the sand.

Still don't know whether I'm having a mid -life crisis or that his behaviour is bad.

We had an arguement yesterday. He just went weird on me- I don't even know why he snapped. He just put his hand out and said no you're not getting the last word in, you always try to do this and stormed off. He wouldn't let me speak at all when I was just trying to reason with him and sort it out.

He is also being so negative towards the kids, always criticising -I'm sick of the negativity in the house.

I’m so sorry; you don’t have to live like this, it’s not your fault, he is abusing you. Please try to start taking a bit of the advice on here, or talk to women’s aid; you don’t have to just leave if you’re not ready, just start taking some small steps towards finding your voice, your independence, yourself!

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

I would urge you to now contact Women’s Aid and a local firm of solicitors re divorce. Knowledge here is power.

Your marriage is over now because of the abuse he meets out to you and in turn your kids. What do you think they are going to remember about their childhoods, abuse cannot and must not become or be the cornerstone of it. Remember that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?. Do not assume the kids are unaware of the negative atmosphere in your home, they are also seeing your reactions both spoken and unspoken to him.

His behaviour towards you and in turn your children is abusive. This is NOT you having a midlife crisis!. Do not keep burying your head in the sand now because such a mindset does not help you or your children.

His nice/nasty cycle of abuse is commonplace in abusive relationships and this cycle is also a continuous one. It will keep happening so long as you are with him. By the way he will continue to be both obstructive and abusive towards you after you have hopefully go onto divorce him. This is who he really is and such men do not change.

Guessing shes meaning bumps