DH and personality change with alcohol

[madamy]

I'll start by saying that I hardly ever drink these days as it makes me feel quite unwell. Used to enjoy a good few in the past though!

DH and I have been together for 23 years with 3 DC, all late teens/young adults. Life generally good, maybe a bit boring but we have busy, stressful jobs in frontline healthcare so often knackered in the evenings. He often opens a wine to cope with his day.
I think he drinks too much and it's affecting our relationship. Often a bottle of wine plus a sherry/whisky Fri and Sat evenings with another 2 bottles over the rest of the week. The main issue is his behaviour after about half a bottle. He becomes argumentative, swears more, picks fault with me/TV programme/politics etc. All round not very pleasant to be around.
I'm quite introverted and hate confrontation so will feign a headache etc and go to bed.
Today, we had family over and he was very chatty, a bit ott with them etc whilst necking his wine. Then carried on drinking after they left and picked a fight with me. I said I hated living with an alcoholic and walked out of the room. Called me a miserable cow, an utter letdown and a bitch on text after I refused to engage and came upstairs.
I admit, I was a bit tired today, and possibly a bit moody, maybe I deserved some of what he said.

We're supposed to be getting healthy etc in January, he's said he's doing dry January and it might be longer etc. Unfortunately I think he's cramming booze in between now and then! The problem is, I don't know if he actually can, and what happens if he can't not drink. I don't really know what I want from posting, but when he's sober he's my best friend, we have good laughs etc and I do love him. Right now though......

My ex used to do the same. I think a key part of it is whether it's something you can talk about (when everything is calmer). If it can't be discussed then that's a worry.

He is very unhappy. He needs to understand and identify what it is that is making him so unhappy.

This is my dh too. He's awful. Sometimes i sit there and wonder whats sparked him off. He’s perfectly fine when sober but i think he has a massive chip on his shoulder with me (i have said i want to end our 20+ year marriage due to growing apart and his drinking)

I can relate to this too. My Dh is the same. Alcohol makes him tired. Tired makes him irritable. Irritability shows as aggression verbally, confrontational, shouty and generally an arse!

He had a weekend away with some sporting mates last month, and reading between the line, got insanely pissed!! He hasn’t touched a drop since!! I’ve never known him not to drink (together 25 years) but he’s completely different and a lot calmer without.

I hope your Dh goes through with Dry January. It might be a great chance to discuss with him how he behaves with alcohol

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. My DH could be the same when drunk, after me nearly leaving it gave him the shock to change, but you don't want it to get to that point.

I would try and speak to him when he's calm and sober, but remember it's not your 'problem' to 'fix', be there as a support of course but don't get to the point where you feel any responsibility for his behaviour. The way he is treating you is inexcusable- does he remember anything he says when he's drunk or have any remorse?

I'd also be concerned about how he is coping in work, front line healthcare is not the place to be hungover or for drink to he overspillig into.

Does he drive to work? He could still be over the limit in the morning if drinking so much of an evening. If it's NHS, occupational health might be able to offer support - especially if his wine of an evening is to help cope with his day. Maybe some time off would be beneficial too.

Have family picked up on this? Talking to someone for your own sake is important too, family, friends or I'm sure there's helplines for loved ones of those with alcohol issues (whether confirmed or otherwise).

Why wait till January?