Having the strength to finish it

[Ohwhatadag]

Huming and harring about putting this in mental health or not. Please be gentle - not aibu

Anyway...
How do you get the strength to finish it? Married 15 years. One dc (11). Living in a city. No possibilities for separating and dc remaining in same area/school.

He is my best friend. I only have one true friend who is not DH. Live in EU. No family in same couhtry. Job which is like going through a wringer every week. If we separated it would be alternating weeks.

He has lied and cheated. I feel like we have descended into a fucked up sister/brother or mother/son dynamic. I can't trust him and he tries to outwit (gaslight) me...unfortuantely (fortunately) I am cleverer than him.

But I still enjoy his company. We can still have lots of fun, even after 20 years together. Also I love my home (3-bed shoebox flat). I love the area of town we live in. I love being in a family. I love his family. I love our family unit. I really like his friends. I like having sufficient money for a fairly decent life.

If we separate most of this goes. But I can't take the up and down of the lies, the suspision, the person I turn into, being treated like a mug, the self-hatered for remaining.

I am too scared to finish it. I can't face losing all the good and am not convinced that all the bad disappears once we are not romantically together. What happens when he gets a new gf (because he will) and I'm stuck like a lonely lemon every second week missing him?

I hate it when I read ltb. If only life were that simple. I wish I could leave me. Just cut a body bag in space-time. The only solution. (I am having therapy btw.)

No-one has replied yet but I read this on the Internet "Pick yourself up and get on with this mess called life". God knows where the quote comes from but it resonates with me.

I guess you have to choose your hard as they say.. staying is hard as you are unhappy and ending it will be hard too, though it will pass…

Would your DH be interested in marriage counselling? Could you both work through it, or do you think he isn’t interested in your marriage anymore? Hand hold 💐

This must be breaking your heart, OP.

It sounds as if he thinks he’s got you under his control, he thinks you’ll put up with his lies and cheating for ever. How bad would it have to get before you left him?

Have you managed to get him to talk it out with you, honestly and in depth? You need to make it really clear how much his behaviour hurts you, and that he is jeopardising your marriage.

Best of luck, OP.

Well he would make anyone's clunge clamp shut. I hope you aren't still having sex as that makes things well hurtful, and is probably risking your health -ew!
You could choose to keep the good and have a platonic relationship, or an open relationship, as an option. Anything else would be setting yourself up for repeat hurt. To be able to stick around with minimal emotional damage, you have to be able to detach from him, and either be happy going without, or find your own bit on the side.

For the sake of my DC I would break up. The relationship dynamics sound very unhealthy.

Long term misery = stay
Short term difficulties = leave

Marriage is not an alter we sacrifice our lives on. I can guarantee you your life will be way more peaceful if you move on.

As an observer your 11 year old will grow up thinking this is a normal relationship and will do exactly what his father does.
Is that what you want?

It sounds horrible & I suspect you would come to be happier alone, but I understand why you don’t want to break up. The not being able to take the person he turns you into would be the deal breaker for me. It means you are always living on edge & waiting. If there is no chance of change it may be time to go. Or is there any chance of you hatching a long term plan which involves booting him out & you keeping the rest