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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do I feel like this when husband is perfect

27 replies

glittertoad · 26/11/2023 08:49

I love my husband but apart from his parents, he has no friends or family. He is great with the kids and with me but we never do anything with anyone else.

He would happily spend all weekend with the kids and I could be somewhere else. He doesn't show contempt or anything towards me but I feel alone.

I am sociable and love talking to other people, making plans, having the children play together while the adults chat.

OP posts:
Peablockfeathers · 26/11/2023 08:50

Well what do you arrange? Do you have a big social circle and arrange play dates? Presumably so if you're critical of him not doing so, in which case is the issue that he doesn't want to come along with you?

maslinpan · 26/11/2023 08:54

If you are out with other people does he join in? Is it the case that he is a bit lazy or passive about arranging social things? My dad drove DM mad because he never made the effort to get people over, but he was always sociable when they arrived. He didn't change his ways but she just decided it was more important for her to spend time with other people so she just carried on being the social secretary.

Ilikewinter · 26/11/2023 08:54

Does he refuse to engage when you invite other adults round?, or are you just sick of organising everything?. Hes sounds quite content with his life so im not sure that will change!

maslinpan · 26/11/2023 09:00

And PS, nobody, but nobody, is perfect.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 26/11/2023 09:03

I can see why this could bother you as it probably makes him quite boring and any social things you have to arrange yourself if yiubare the only one with any friends. It probably makes ypu feel that all the pressure is on you to be his friend as well. But if he will look after the kids and let you go off and do your own thing (and of course you love him), then I'd just accept it. Could be worse.

KissTheRains · 26/11/2023 09:13

It sounds a bit like you're waiting for him to find friends to widen your social circle and to organise days out and play dates.

Don't wait for him.
Go find friends, organise everything you want and let him know what you've planned.
Some people just aren't socially inclined, don't let him hold you back.

Epidote · 26/11/2023 09:18

Do you go on your own because he doesn't want to and he makes you fully aware of it? Or Do you go on your own and he says something in the lines that's good I'll stay with the kids?

The first one is very bad, the second is not great because seems you both like different thing but at least you are both doing what you like.

You can't force a no very sociable person to be more sociable and vice versa.

Girlboysgirl · 26/11/2023 09:18

My DH is a bit like this and I think that a lot of men are from speaking to friends. I just go out and do my own thing, I have a very wide social circle and take the kids and meet up with other mums etc. I don’t force him to come along as I know he’s awkward in social situations. He is perfectly happy staying at home and always does the cooking, laundry etc if we go out so it’s not like he’s not useful haha. He has some friends from his hometown and his family. I do sometimes feel FOMO a bit when I see certain families on social media on big trips with multiple families, but the grass is always greener and you don’t know, they could be hating it 😆…I probably would after a few days tbh.

Seaoftroubles · 26/11/2023 09:23

You can't really change a home loving introvert into someone who enjoys socialising, but maybe try inviting your friends and their partners and children over for the afternoon sometimes as he will probably participate then. Also think about joining some social activities on your own if he's happy to look after the children. As pp said it could be worse!

MajesticWhine · 26/11/2023 09:29

You have to do the friends thing yourself. Don't wait for him to do it. Just accept you each have different needs.

thevoiceofreasoning · 26/11/2023 09:41

The big question is what was he like before you married and had children? He’s probably never been a social animal and having no friends should have been a big clue! (Unless he suddenly lost all his friend after he married?) Talk to him about how he feels about socialising and finding new friends together. If he’s happy and content not to then you go out and find other mums you can arrange play dates etc. with, and then go home to have family time with DH. But you must talk to him as he couod be completely oblivious of how you feel.

TsunamiPam · 26/11/2023 10:21

There's a voice in your head telling you to worry about this for a reason. It's a lot of pressure on you to be someone's only adult company aside from maybe some friendliness with work colleagues. To be honest it was one of the reasons I ended my relationship. I would go out every weekend (with the kids) and he would sit in. I just found it too depressing a lifestyle to live alongside. I get that some people are introverts. But the trouble is that some introverts make you their everything, I didn't want to be his 'mate'. I didn't want to watch boxing videos with him. I wish he would have found friends. I even used to feel envious of friends who's other halves had hangovers and were useless on the weekends sometimes.
I guess I knew that one day the kids would leave and he would shuffle around the house like this every day. The thought gave me chills so I ended it. There were other issues as well but the thought of him not having any friends and interests outside of our relationship gave me the ick.

R4R1 · 26/11/2023 10:25

glittertoad · 26/11/2023 08:49

I love my husband but apart from his parents, he has no friends or family. He is great with the kids and with me but we never do anything with anyone else.

He would happily spend all weekend with the kids and I could be somewhere else. He doesn't show contempt or anything towards me but I feel alone.

I am sociable and love talking to other people, making plans, having the children play together while the adults chat.

I am like your husband.

Count it as a blessing. You could do a lot worse.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 26/11/2023 10:39

R4R1 · 26/11/2023 10:25

I am like your husband.

Count it as a blessing. You could do a lot worse.

Show quote history

That's unfair. It can be a real burden when one person is forced to be the fun and interesting person in the relationship

Cupcakekiller · 26/11/2023 10:41

I don't know why you can't socialise with your own friends if he's happy to stay at home with the kids? Your social life doesn't have to revolve around couple friends.

AnnaMagnani · 26/11/2023 10:46

Nobody is perfect and every marriage involves compromises.

If you want to socialise then it's on you to make it happen, with or without your DH.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/11/2023 11:32

There isn't a part of the marriage vows that requires him to become a social secretary and activities coordinator, especially when he's not been somebody who did all that in advance of your relationship.

If you have friends, then make arrangements yourself.

R4R1 · 26/11/2023 11:35

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/11/2023 11:32

There isn't a part of the marriage vows that requires him to become a social secretary and activities coordinator, especially when he's not been somebody who did all that in advance of your relationship.

If you have friends, then make arrangements yourself.

🤣😭👏🏼

Marshmallowtoastie · 26/11/2023 11:37

I don’t get it?
if you want more friends go make more friends? It’s not his job to find some then arrange play dates for you?

R4R1 · 26/11/2023 11:40

Marshmallowtoastie · 26/11/2023 11:37

I don’t get it?
if you want more friends go make more friends? It’s not his job to find some then arrange play dates for you?

🤣

Aquamarine1029 · 26/11/2023 11:45

Nofilteritwonthelp · 26/11/2023 10:39

That's unfair. It can be a real burden when one person is forced to be the fun and interesting person in the relationship

Show quote history

Why are you automatically assuming that the op's husband isn't interesting? Just because you don't need or want a lot of people in your life doesn't mean you're dull or an introvert.

marriednotdead · 26/11/2023 11:54

Outside of work, almost all of my DP's interactions are with me, his DCs or his mother. He is neither dull nor an introvert but he chooses to focus on those people that matter most to him, and is not willing to take away precious time with them (his words) to maintain friendships beyond the very occasional meet up. He has interests, hobbies etc and we never run out of things to discuss or enjoy.
IMO, if he is not clinging to your legs every time you attempt to do something social, then know that he is secure and happy, and make your own plans.

wideawakeinthemiddleofthenightagain · 26/11/2023 12:10

What happens if you invite friends over? DH is life & soul of the party when we have friends over but he'd never suggest it himself. He would do all of the cooking and is a dab hand at getting the house sorted before the arrive so it's not as if he takes all of the benefit of them being here without making any effort, he just doesn't initiate it.

Girlboysgirl · 26/11/2023 13:19

I should also add that 90% of the time it’s me going out and meeting friends for drinks or brunches and leaving him with the kids, he only really goes for organised work drinks. Like some PP’s have alluded to, it could be worse! Positives I see are - he’s great at spending time with the kids and does loads round the house (unlike a lot on mumsnet!), I have complete control of the social life - who I see and when - I might hate it if he had loads of mates and I was always being dragged along to see them, as I am actually quite an introvert as well at times, at least he’s not one of those who is out all weekend doing some hobby, or out drinking all the time and coming back at silly o clock, we have a good understanding and are both happy - it’s not like one of us is dragging the other into their lifestyle and the other one is hating it - think that’s when marriages become unhappy. In-laws are a bit like this, joined at the hip and just look miserable a lot of time. The downside is probably what I mentioned before - we very rarely have those big days out with loads of families we see on social media and I do worry the kids are maybe missing out on something (dunno what 🤷‍♀️) but they socialise plenty and if I forced DH into those types of days out it would probably end up being really awkward for everyone 😂😂.

LimeOrangeLemon · 26/11/2023 13:29

It's fine being the way your husband is. But it's also fine to find this a bit boring or stifling. You need to think about whether you can accept this, and make up for it by having your own active social life, or if it's a deal breaker for you.