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Original poster

How do you know if your relationship is over?

5 replies

Embarrassedadult · 25/11/2023 17:22

Been with my partner for 8 years. Engaged, house, one year old son and pets. On the outside it looks like we have the perfect life really.

But for a while now I've been having doubts about if I'm really happy and if I can really see myself being with him forever. He's not done anything really wrong. There are things he does that annoy me (like taking 4 days to wash a pot, not always taking me seriously, that kind of thing). I've had these doubts before, they come and go but at the moment it's all I can think about - will I be happy in this relationship forever?

I've started a new job recently and there's a man there who I get on well with and find attractive. I feel like a schoolgirl when I see him and when we interact online. It's silly really but why do I feel like this when I have a loving partner already?

Why am I having so many doubts and why do I have such an intense schoolgirl crush on someone else? How do I know which feelings are real and how to address this?

I'm so bloody confused. It's all I can think about and it's mentally draining 😭

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 25/11/2023 17:30

The other man is an escape from the life of constant repeat that you live. Kids, house, work.
Try and inject some fun back into your life with your fella and child, but don’t get married until you’re sure.

TheHawkisHowling · 25/11/2023 17:33

I think sometimes it does take developing feelings for someone else to make you realise things aren't right with your current partner.

That obviously doesn't mean to start cheating or even breaking up to pursue someone else. This other man likely has just as many annoying habits as your current partner. But I would pay attention to how this made you feel.

Opentooffers · 25/11/2023 17:59

It's flattering to get some male attention, especially when you've spent the last year adapting to being parents. He may have woken a side of you that's been in hibernation for a while. That is quite seductive. But don't act on it, it isn't real, it just shows that it's about time you reawakened your current relationship.

Look at how your DP is behaving. Does he play with his DS and show him affection ?- I kind of think that is an attractive trait in itself. Its like love my child and you love me. Whereas if he's a man who is standing back off his responsibilities, that becomes less attractive and feels like a rejection.
Now you are back at work, he especially should be pulling his weight 50/50 with the household, and if he isn't, he needs pulling up on it, to a degree, just in case he hasn't realised. If he is a man who fundamentally thinks the woman can do it all, as well as work and look after DC, then that is out of order. Sometimes it takes having a DC to see the man you are with. If he's lacking, let him know in no uncertain terms that it is off-putting and will put your relationship in jeapody- everyone deserves fair warning.
The other thing is to be honest with yourself about what happened first, the dissatisfaction or the male attention amplifying things.

Original poster
Embarrassedadult · 26/11/2023 09:04

Opentooffers · 25/11/2023 17:59

It's flattering to get some male attention, especially when you've spent the last year adapting to being parents. He may have woken a side of you that's been in hibernation for a while. That is quite seductive. But don't act on it, it isn't real, it just shows that it's about time you reawakened your current relationship.

Look at how your DP is behaving. Does he play with his DS and show him affection ?- I kind of think that is an attractive trait in itself. Its like love my child and you love me. Whereas if he's a man who is standing back off his responsibilities, that becomes less attractive and feels like a rejection.
Now you are back at work, he especially should be pulling his weight 50/50 with the household, and if he isn't, he needs pulling up on it, to a degree, just in case he hasn't realised. If he is a man who fundamentally thinks the woman can do it all, as well as work and look after DC, then that is out of order. Sometimes it takes having a DC to see the man you are with. If he's lacking, let him know in no uncertain terms that it is off-putting and will put your relationship in jeapody- everyone deserves fair warning.
The other thing is to be honest with yourself about what happened first, the dissatisfaction or the male attention amplifying things.

Thanks for this. DP adores his DS but definitely doesn't do 50/50 of the stuff that needs doing. He does things around the house when I ask (and ask again, and again) and then I get told off for nagging. Or he will do things like emptying the bin when it's got to the point of overflowing. Nothing is ever just a quick job for him and I feel exhausted either having to do everything, or having to 'nag' for anything to be done!

It's so hard knowing which feelings are real and which are just frustrations. I've spoken to him about it many times but he gets defensive and then I get upset and we argue. I've felt this before the other man came along but I'm feeling it more intensely now I suppose.

Argh.

OP posts:
LadyBird1973 · 26/11/2023 09:40

I wouldn't marry someone who wants to live in a way that is incompatible with how you want to live. Overflowing bins and taking 4 days to wash a pot would make me murderous!

The new man represents escape from that life and a reminder of times when life was exciting and not about childcare and all the boring stuff that comes with running a home.

Your fiance though, doesn't sound right for you and unless he seriously raised his game, I'd not get further entrenched. Calling you a nag for expecting him to pull his weight without being repeatedly asked, is shitty behaviour

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