He needs to leave… AIBU?

[ReasonableOrUnreasonable]

Husband (41M) and I (42F) have known each other 10 years, been together 8, married 6 and have 1 child (4F).

He’s never been great with money - constantly in debt, buys what he wants without thought, when money is tight his debts and wants come first above household bills… so far I’ve managed but got myself into debt by doing so.

Now he’s lost his job (again!) - he’s had about 10 since we got married, usually doesn’t pass probation or is let go due to a poor fit. And although he’s applied for universal credit he thinks that his bills are priority and after those will have about £30 “to live”.

I need closer to £400 from him just to feed us, keep us warm and sheltered. And I’d get this and more if I applied for UC as a single parent.

So, am I being unreasonable to ask him to be selfless and move out to ensure me and his daughter are financially secure?

He’s an angry type and I’m a little scared of his reaction, plus I don’t know where he’d go - possibly his mums but she’s got health issues that may restrict that.

This week we’re only having proper evening meals when DD is eating with us, the rest of the time it’s sandwiches/cereal/cheap snacks to try to ensure we’ll have enough money at the back end of the month (luckily I was paid well last month so could save a bit to help this).

Purely on the basis of him being "the angry type" and you even being "scared" of his reaction I think you need to show him the door. Both of the house and of the marriage.

Don't raise a child in a relationship with an angry man. It shows the child that partners can behave like this around us and we, should tolerate it.

The debts are the icing on the cake.
He won't be interested in being selfless. Because he's a nutter. Don't ask him to leave, tell him to.
And ideally, with your adult family or friends there when you tell him it's over.

If he gets aggressive, call the police.

This should have been over years ago. Seize your freedom.

First reply has nailed it.

He needs to leave. Selfish, irresponsible, feckless, angry and you’re scared of him. Can’t think there’s anything to like and a horrible situation for your dd to grow up in.
How you get him out depends on whether you rent or own. But yes, end the marriage you’ll have+a happier and more secure life with your dd.

We, or should I say I, own - it’s my name on the mortgage but I believe as it’s been paid out of the joint account he has rights…

You and your child have rights OP - rights to safety and the right to not be afraid of an unhinged man.

Do you feel it's safe to tell him he needs to go or might he harm you and your child?

It's the fact you're married to him that gives him rights over assets and property. He sounds like an absolute waste of space from your description and you're best rid.
It might be worth checking up on UC when you own a home, I know little about it, but any housing element might be limited?

Safe - yes, pretty - no… tried to get DD upstairs when the subject of money came up today and he made her stay in the room so I couldn’t, but then told me to take her out so he could be on his own…

Do you have family / friends support OP? This sounds difficult for you but you do need to protect yourself & your DD. A 4 year old shouldn't be forced to stay in a room where the parents are arguing.

I’ve used a benefits calculator declaring being an owner occupier with a mortgage so if it has an ill effect it’s taken into account.

Irrelevant who pays the mortgage or who's name is on it as you are married. Ever considered why this debt riddled man was so keen to marry after 2 years? ( not even including planning time, I'd guess he asked well before that). Of course it was in his interest, as now he has rights to half of everything you have.
However, all is not lost, if you were to divorce, that you have a child to support would be considered, so he'd probably not achieve half, given also that he brings nothing.

Yes, but none of the (emotionally) close are so close (physically) I can nip round at the drop of the hat.

I stopped the conversation when DD didn’t leave the room - bless her she was willing to go play in her room so mummy and daddy could talk.

Can you bring the conversation around to this solution, in such a way that he feels that he came up with the idea? I think that's your safest bet.

I suggested he asked me, my mum had been ill and I realised life was too short - I wasn’t going to ask him though, it wasn’t leap day 🤦🏻‍♀️

There isn’t any housing element to UC if you have a mortgage.

I believe mortgage interest was sometimes covered by housing benefits in the past, not any more?

Don’t believe so, No

I had a boyfriend like this many years ago. They never get out of debt. Ever. If someone pays their debt, they incur more. I pity the poor woman who had children with him. I can only imagine the stress. You are not being unreasonable asking him to leave so you can provide more for your daughter. She is your responsibility, not a grown man who fails to provide for his family. This is all incredibly unfair on you.