Keep having horrid flashbacks

[LucyH34]

Husband had an affair with work colleague last year. I found out, he ended it and said he wanted to come home. We have three children under six and I couldn’t see a life without him for any of us. We are now 10 months into recovery and I keep having horrid flashbacks of their affair and it’s compounded as they still work closely together although have no contact as stated by my husband but how do I even believe this! The one flashback which is really upsetting happened this time last year. I called him around 2am as he had been on a work night out, said he’d be home on the last train and I woke with a start and at this stage I was completely oblivious to his affair so I called and asked casually if everything okay? He spoke to me on the phone for a good four minutes explaining a hit story about missing the train and how he and three other colleagues were taxiing home. The taxi was deadly quiet and I mentioned that in the phone call and he laughed and said no, everyone is here, etc. She was beside him in the taxi and they’d actually spent the night together alone. He knew I was at home with our children and she could hear him on the phone to me and it just breaks my heart.

Realy sorry you are in this situation. Sending you a digital hug.
it seems to me that individual as well as marriage counseling would be useful.

I think in the initial stages after finding out, you tend to be so distraught and trying to keep the relationship together, that you don't really have the chance to deal with everything. So it pops up later on.

It's the effect of cognitive dissonance I guess, trying to believe two contradictory things at once - "he loves me & our family and he's the man I love", while at the same time being the man who hurt you so deeply and apparently gave no shits about hurting you when he was getting his end away. So yeah, all those hurtful things stay in your head and come back to bite at odd times.

I'd also find it really hard that they still work together. How can it be true that they have no contact yet still work closely together? Could he look to change jobs or move departments?

What has he done to help you since you found out and since you decided to stay together?

It may be that it's something you can't come to terms with and at some point you will be better off calling it quits. But it's less than a year since you found out, so there may be hope yet if you still want to try.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Having flashbacks is awful but it is a trauma response. Have you had any trauma therapy like EMDR? That could help with your personal healing?

If you're really committed to rebuilding and moving forward I would also tell your husband about the flashbacks. See if there is a way he can give you some comfort around it.

My partner of 10 years cheated for 2 years and then left me for her. I still have night terrors and flashbacks after 18 months.... but they're less so and rebuilding my self worth as well as therapy has helped. Getting out of the flight or fright from something traumatic like an affair also helps..... People underestimate the level of actual trauma it causes and the psychological impacts of trauma.

xxx