Now sibling has their own DC they want to be closer

[Wentmerry]

I won't post too many details, but basically I realized in the early years of my children's lives that the relationship was very one sided - we did a lot for them, spent money on meals, helped in any emergencies but I realized it was never reciprocated so I let things naturally drop away. Now my sister has her own children she is wanting us to be really close. I feel resentful as my children never had an involved Aunty and now she wants it for her children. I am a nice Aunty but don't feel I should make my teenagers go on holiday with her toddler and baby as we have never done family holidays together (we offered to pay for them to join us on short breaks in the past)

Teenagers will not want to be constricted by baby/toddler options on holiday. Sounds like she wants some child support on tap

Your children are at completely different stages so there's very little benefit to either lot of children.
YANBU she probably wants support and a reliable babysitter.
I would say yes and no to what suited me and let her get on with it.

Holidays and free childcare no. Hanging out yes. I think it's really beneficial for teens to be around small children (might make them take contraception more seriously for one thing!) - it gives them licence to play when they'd normally be shy about it.

Yanbu, she has shown her true colours. Enjoy the relationship so long as it benefits you but don’t go out of your way for her

I can see why her past behaviour would affect you. Decide what you're happy to do and go from there.

You and your sister are in different phases of life. She must understand that.

I wouldn't hold any resentment to her. You wanted her there because you wanted her to be part of that, you invited her, you pay and whatever.
She wants you there now for the same reason you wanted her before, if your circumstances doesn't allow it like your teens not wanting to go she will have to understand it.

Is she much younger?

Good question.

No need to drop your boundaries, I have a sibling like this (picks you up and drops again as it suits them) so ime she'll put in the effort as long as it suits her.

There are ways to facilitate a closer relationship without holidaying together, decide how far you're willing to go and don't feel obliged to go further.

I don’t think teenagers and toddlers mix on holidays. You can’t take toddlers to a theme park! If you think she’s taking the piss, she probably is. Bit late for her to suddenly want to be close. Why have you previously offered to pay for her to come with you?

If you live close by, it could be a nice little earner for your DC to babysit her kids when they're slightly older.

In terms of your relationship with your nieces/nephews, I'd just bear in mind that they are separate people from your DSis, not extensions of her. Decide for yourself whether you want to be an involved aunty (and what you want that to entail if so), but I wouldn't be put off just because she hasn't been great to your DC. You might end up developing a worthwhile relationship with her children separate from your DSis.

I had this with my sister. But whilst it could be said she was in a different stage of her life when your dcs were young, hence the lack of closeness, the same is now true of yourself, ie you’re at a different stage in your life to her now, so surely she should understand that.

This is interesting!! My sister has teens but I was a super involved auntie when they were younger. Now I have a 6 year old and while the teens are lovely with him at family occasions they have their own life and I cannot imagine they would want to holiday with us and would never expect it. My sister isn't really a kid person (except with her own) and I'm fine with that, she buys him lovely Christmas and birthday gifts, asks after him but that's about it. I hold no resentment as we are different people at different life stages and I will never regret the time I spent with hers when they were little as I love them and they are fabulous human beings. I think it would be unreasonable to drag your teens on holiday with them but if you want to enjoy being an auntie go for it! And equally if you don't have the time energy or inclination that's ok too xx

My brother did this. No interest in my dc until he had his own and he needed a babysitter. I decided to go along with it as I loved his kids and it meant I could see them.

So just carry on as you are
Point things out without pointing them out
"Gosh yes I remember holidays with little ones, we are past the children's disco stage now but it's fun whilst it lasts have a great time"

" Sorry I can't come over I need to be on standby for teenager taxi service"

"Well we can leave ours and go out for an hour now but we have done the years of having to stay in"

The thing is, ideally it would be nice to have a good relationship with your sister and her DC, yes? So I would try not to let resentment of the past get in the way, and just take each request or suggestion as it comes. Accept or decline based on what you and your teens would like to do, unclouded by what's happened before. Agree with the pp that your teens babysitting could be a win win if she's prepared to pay them! But definitely don't force your teens to go on holiday with a baby and toddler.

In my case, my niece is a few years older than my DC, she's an only child and when she was primary / early secondary age she loved her little cousins. Then she got bored of them and we've hardly seen her for years now. I thought it was rude of my brother to let her opt out of seeing them, but now I have older teens myself I understand a bit better.

Thanks for your replies. I think I'm on the same page as most of you - I'll agree to things if they work for us.

I did consider if it would be good for teens to do babysitting etc. My main concern is that they will be dropped again once it no longer works out for DS.

There is a normal age gap between my sister and I. I had my children mid 20s and she was 40.

@frozendaisy I really appreciate your suggestions of what to say. I think I'll just have to say the truth - 'ah yes, we've done the years of staying in but we need to do something slightly different now for the teens'. I've been concerned about rocking the boat (she can be very volatile) but your suggestions are really nicely put.

I had the same. No interest in my child until he was in his teens, yet I am expected to hold her baby and act all excited now mine is almost an adult?

My DSis also is annoyed that my DS is not interested in the baby. He is 17, younger than she was when he was born and she showed no real interest in him.

I came imagine anything worse than a huge age gap holiday. If you are staying in a hotel - you will barely see each other. If you share a villa etc. Your teenagers will be 'sssshed' for naps early bedtimes etc or roped in for babysitting and 'just take him outside and kick a football with him for five minutes will you'

Your conscience is clear OP. You tried when your children were younger. She may be volatile but you can't help the fact your families are at different stages now.

My sister was the opposite. I was a super involved aunty, made lots of time for her kids when they were little, took them out and trips away. Went to concerts and stuff they were in. When I had kids she showed very little interest in them never taken them anywhere or had them over. (Her kids were grown up when I had kids).

No thank you, we have done our childfriendly holidays. Have fun!