He used me for sex?

[ramela]

I was looking for a job in the marketing office at my university ( I am a PhD student who recently finished). for this reason, I reached out to one of the Marketing officers, whom I had known for several years since I worked in the office on a temporary basis in 2019. He mentioned he was looking for an assistant for is particular job, and I was instantly interested in this role. We exchanged contact information and our interactions eventually became personal. I already had his number but had not started texting him on Telegram. However that day when I asked him to meet, he stayed until 5 pm to meet me and we met up outside the gates of the university and I talked a lot with him. We had an unspoken cue that I would accompany him to his house and later on I went with him to his house where we had some fun. We met for coffee and later at his house quite a few times and we both sexted and sent each other pics of ourselves.

However, despite our intimate connection, he started displaying a heightened interest in another girl who works in his office. I know this girl as she was seeing one of the guys I liked last year and I already hated her for that. I also hated the fact that she was working in the research office because I used to work there back in 2019 and I was quite upset that she got into the office.

However, he apparently had his eyes on her since last year when she was a student. She started working in this office since December last year and she's 14 years YOUNGER than him. Since the last month or so, they started talking a lot more and he was openly flirting with her, even in the presence of office colleagues, and let her accompany him to meetings with students. His interactions with her included frequent online messaging, sharing photos of himself and his cats, and complimenting her appearance, calling her glowing, radiant, pretty etc. She has not slept with him nor seems willing to because she seems less into him and he seems more into her. However, he constantly nudges her on her arm, playfully touches her feet with his and is very flirty with her. Even his office colleagues can see this.

Meanwhile, he began to avoid me, going as far as leaving the office early to prevent encounters because I had been texting him and he was not replying to me. I texted him on Monday this week that if I cant find him I will go to his office but he still didn't reply. Every single text I sent was met with silence. Finally I went to his office looking for him but that day he wasn't there as if he already knew that I would come looking for him. After this, i went directly to his and I did air out that I have been texting him but he is not replying to his colleague who was in the office. I sent him one last message saying that I went to his office and he finally responded to my messages. Surprisingly, he claimed that he's not looking for an assistant and cited a toxic office environment as a reason for not assisting me.

This situation has left me feeling used and confused about his motives. he was buttering me so much that day when I first went home with him but now its radio silence and he flat out refused.

why did he do this

hes 46. I am 36.

He's taken advantage of knowing you because you were a PhD student until fairly recently. Some lecturers do this and it's possibly against a code of conduct that the university has that would be linked with equally safe in higher education work. For the protection of other students who he might repeat similar behaviours with, you need to report this - you might be able to do so anonymously.
For the future, noone in a university is going to be allowed to give you a job without going through appropriate channels. Don't be taken in by false promises.
If I may, you sound to have low self esteem so perhaps doing some work on that would be good. I would also talk to the careers service at the uni about jobs that you could look for with your PhD.

I know it’s hurts and I’m sorry for that.

There’s nothing that hurts more than when someone doesn’t like you, as much as you like them.

But all of these things you are doing aren’t helping.

You can’t force him to like you.
You can’t blame this other woman, because if it’s not her it will be someone else.
He probably does this with a lot of women.

The best revenge is not constantly texting him and showing him that you’re desperate for his attention.

The best revenge is doing better and making him regret not paying you more attention - that means deleting his number and all his messages, not contacting him again, not going to his office, avoiding him as much as possible and finding someone else who actually wants to be with you.

You're 36 not 16. You fancied him, he fancied you.
You shagged each other.
Consensually.
Sure, he could have had the balls to tell you he's moved on but ghosting someone is not yet illegal AFAIK

+1
I agree with you
Wise words for OP here 👍🏻

Is your PhD in artificial intelligence, OP?

Good lord. He's a marketing officer, not a lecturer. Don't encourage her to play the victim! There are very valid reasons to report lecturers preying on students. This is not that scenario. If it's even real.

STOP! All of it, stop immediately. Your behaviour towards this man and this woman sounds very much like it's moved into stalker behaviour and thankfully there are laws against that now.
Stop. Reread this thread to see how your behaviour appears to everyone else. It is unhinged and I honestly think you need some help. Leave them to their lives and find a way to move yours on in a healthier way without obsessing about a man you had sex with for a job that he never said existed and a woman who's crime appears to be having been attractive to a couple of men.

There is no way this can be real.

AI generated perhaps?

Much as he sounds like a prick, he isn't obliged to respond to your texts.
You already know why he isnt replying: because he doesn't want to.
And so this is why people are mentioning stalker behaviour.
When he sees you, he isn't going to say "I was wrong, have a job and be my love".
Just learn from this and move on. As I said earlier, find your dignity.

He stopped replying to me because she started talking to him more

But I cannot stand the other girl and how hes getting upset over her departure from the office

This woman is not the problem.

Stop focusing on her.

If he fancies her then that’s up to him and if they want to have sex or start a relationship then they can because they’re both adults.

You are not in a relationship with him and he doesn’t want to be with you.
Yes it hurts but acting like this isn’t helping you.

OP, you really need to get a handle on appropriate behaviour.

1. You tried to trade sex & pictures for a job. You gave a PHD so clearly intelligent, surely you understand conventional recruitment processes?
2. You are stalking and harassing this man? (Excessive messaging, contacting other staff re his whereabouts, showing up at his office/home). Are you aware that you could be prosecuted?
3. You aren't dealing with "rejection" in any healthy or acceptable manner.

You need to stop this immediately and deal with your emotions in a more mature and health way. If you cannot manage to do this, you real need to get a therapist or counsellor to assist you before you end up in a lot of trouble.

He isn’t into you get the hint and find some dignity before you get arrested ffs

you don't know that and even if true, so?

Do you understand that your response and behaviour isn't rational or proportionate?

But I cannot stand the other girl and how hes getting upset over her departure from the office while pretending that he only knows me as one of the phd students he has known for years

'One shag does not a deep meaningful relationship make.' You should get that put on a fridge magnet and look at it every day.

I wanted to know why he wasnt replying. thats why I went

1. You are stalking and harassing this man? (Excessive messaging, contacting other staff re his whereabouts, showing up at his office/home). Are you aware that you could be prosecuted?

Yes this! @ramela do you acknowledge what is being said to you? You could actually get into trouble.

we did a few times, Not just once. Apparently hes sent her many pics of himself and she still wont sleep with him so he stopped sending his pics and only send s pics of his cats

your reason changes nothing. He is not obliged to reply and it is not your right to go find him, stalking him, to find out. Do you accept that?

I think he sounds a dickhead, a colin Strickland, (texas v kaitlyn armstrong trial) but don't be the kaitlyn Armstrong in this scenario. Reject him, don't compete for him. He sounds like a shabby player. Ask yourself this "why am I not turned off by his shabby character?"

When you're emotionally healthy, you would be extremely turned off by a man insinuating that there was a job, making you feel that the materialisation of this job might be dependent on having a fling with him... that should repulse you. Eugh no thanks is what you would be better off feeling. So @ramela that's what I'd suggest, get turned off. Yuck. Shabby behaviour. Yuck. Don't hang around competing for this player.

I was angry when I saw all that nudging, hitting her on her feet and being slick with her while ignoring me

You seem fixated on this. And if he is interested in someone else he really wasn’t that into you was he? They are both single adults and can do whatever they want. I don’t understand why you can’t just chalk it up to a lesson learned and move on. I would never have embarrassed myself over a man the way you have. You sound quite scary to be honest. I watch a lot of true crime and your mindset is very similar to people who have ended up killing somebody because of their insane jealousy. You need help.

I so wish women would raise their bar. If not you let all types of vermin jump it

OP, this man isn’t into you. He just used you for easy sex and now you are discarded.

Is there something about this that you don’t understand?

He is very attracted to another woman, although I dare say she might get similar treatment from him if she actually sleeps with him.

You are coming across as quite dangerously obsessed with the pair of them. Do you have a mental health diagnosis? I think you would benefit from seeing a MH professional. 💐

How much time every day do you waste on this wholly unproductive, futile and corroding obsession with them and any relationship they have and your intense dislike of her? be honest, how much time? and what could you be doing with it instead?