Considering rekindling contact with son

[Cattamania]

I went NC with my son many years ago. He did try to reach out and get in contact a few times but I have stuck with the NC decision. Things are awkward because he is still in loose contact with my other son at times. I know that this sounds horrible but there were genuine reasons why I had to make that decision back then, but it doesn't mean that I ever stopped loving him.
I'm not not sure what changed but I have lately been feeling a change of heart and an increased sadness about all this, and I really miss him. I really don't know what brought it on, but maybe it is just that I am conscious of my own age, or the fact that he has a milestone birthday coming up soon. Or just that it's this time of year.
The problem is that I don't think he has changed much, and that I am likely to let a lot of pain and chaos re-enter my life though I can't be 100% sure. Also, I obviously feel partially responsible for the way he turned out.
I'm not even sure why I am writing this down, but I'm hoping to clear my thoughts a bit because I am still undecided, although leaning strongly towards reaching out to him. I wouldn't even know what to say.

Hard to say OP. I mean there is no context here as to why you went NC.

Why did you go NC? Why’s he going to hurt you?

Is he on drugs or something like that? Prison?

He was very selfish, irresponsible and did get aggressive if he didn't get his way. In a way he became a copy of his father (which is why I feel guilt). But now I wonder if it was just the perfect storm back then and if I made it worse by never letting him back into my life.

How would you feel about discussing this with your other son. Getting a view from him on whether things have changed?

Don't be surprised if he doesn't want to know. If he's still likely to be unpredictable and violent it's probably best to leave it.

How old was he when you went no contact?

If he was violent, stay away.

If it was something else, maybe ponder forgiveness.

Sometimes people do change.

I think you need to plan this out.

1. If you imagine yourself 15 years in the future, looking back to now - will you regret not trying?

2. what do you think might happen?

3. For whatever might happen, how will you take it? how will you handle it?

Without more info to go on, I think in your shoes I'd try it. You still love him, miss him.

It might be too late for him - he prefers to keep his distance now. It might work out well. If he's kept trying to contact you then somewhere there is a wish to be in touch, for whatever reason. He might have changed and become much nicer. If he's not, you can walk away again, though it will hurt.

Again, without knowing more about the situation, I'd say try it. If you reach the end of your life without knowing, it might become a permanent and deep regret.

If I was in this situation, it would depend on how much I thought was really down to my ‘bad’ parenting or if I felt on reflection that my choices had given him a real disadvantage in life. Like if you stayed with his father if he was abusive. Childhood impacts the adult our children grow into. If you messed up as a parent, then I would try to make contact and try to rebuild. Equally, all blame can’t be put on you, if he was violent, that’s a choice he made.

Do it. I put my 16 year old out the house when he hit me more than once.
I reached out on his 18th birthday.
Two years on we get on fine - although he doesn't live with me. Nor has he apologised.

consider how you'd feel if you were given months to live? You would likely regret not trying to make peace with him?

I like @jeaux90 approach. Are you in a good relationship with your other son, can you raise the dilemma with him?
Or someone else that may know you and your son better than us?
It is very important decision.

Yes, I did stay with their father who was abusive because I was incredibly stupid back then. After my husband left for good my oldest became more and more like his father though they had been similar even before.
I did ask my other son how his brother is and what he is up to lately. I usually don't ask because I always found it too painful. Apparently he is "good" but is incapable of maintaining relationships and bouncing around a lot.
Of course I feel guilty because that's what he grew up with.
I think I will reach out. I suppose the worst thing that could happen is that I get hurt and regret my choice, but I feel so guilty about having rejected his attempts to reconnect in the past. He was 21 when we went NC.
Thank you all

I can't imagine cutting off my 21 year old because he's behaving in a way totally explainable by the behaviour he was exposed to in part by myself. It's abhorrent. He wasn't even a fully formed adult.

your son was brought up in an abusive household and started acting out, so you disowned him?
I’m trying not to be rude, really I am, but I think your guilt about this is a very correct emotion

I know that this will sound horrible to people and I won't even argue to justify my decision back then. It's something that I thought I had to do at the time.

I hope he finds it in him to make space for you in his life now. It would be sad for you to never reconcile.

I wonder whether there was child to parent abuse going on? And like any abuse it doesn't have to be physical.

I did a quick Google and found this site https://familybasedsolutions.org.uk/home/about-us/#:~:text=Family%20Based%20Solutions%20formerly%20known,as%20secondary%20school%20support%20workers.

Personally I do think I would open channels of communication again if I were in your position, but I think it would be good if you could also learn a bit about it, maybe join an online support group to learn from other people's experiences, have a stepped approach and be clear on your own personal boundaries. Put work in to think about your boundaries before making contact.

I found this video very helpful thinking about boundaries in all my relationships. Not just with my son.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cz7Nswvh3p8/?igshid=ODhhZWM5NmIwOQ==