Is it time to leave?

[NCDhda]

Hi all,

Looking for some advice and other’s experiences on how to know when it’s time to end a relationship with kids involved.

There’s no real way to tell it succinctly, but my partner of 7 years has been struggling with his mental health for a long time, but more so in the last year+. He’s awaiting assessment for ADHD and possible autism, and experiences bouts of extreme anxiety and depression alongside this.

His symptoms are MANY and complex, but include mood swings, complete inability to regulate his own emotions, impatience, zero motivation for anything other than (certainly at the moment) sleeping or gaming, anxiety that sees him unable to leave the house for days if not weeks on end, etc etc.

Basically, I’m at the end of my tether.

I don’t think I could have done, or continuously do, any more for him, but everything is still just shit. I order meds (anti-depressants, dosage more than doubled over this year), I do all the school runs, I cook, I clean, I do 99% of the care for the baby, I remind him to wash (not that he does more than once every 1-2 weeks) I schedule doctors appointments, I compose emails, the list goes on.

He’s just been given a higher dose anti-depressant and a prescription for medical marijuana, and is due to begin intensive group CBT, but, to be brutally honest, I just don’t know if I like him very much any more, enough to wait out another supposed solution or tool that will improves things yet again.

I’m so torn because I do love him, and I when he’s in a good space mentally we genuinely have no issues and he pulls his weight round the house and with our 2 kids, but those times are so few and few between, and are getting even more so, and even more brief, and I’m so resentful that it’s making me angry.

In an ideal world I would want to be together and have none of this be an issue, but I know this is just the way he’s wired, and it’s going to take a lot of work to figure out, and I feel like it’s gotten to be such an awful environment for the kids (and me) to live in.

We’re lucky if we see him out of bed for more than an hour a day, he doesn’t come out anywhere with us, he’s snappy and impatient and moody, etc etc.

But is separating worse? Are the bad times worth depriving them of our family unit and having their dad around, when he is and can be a really great parent when he’s not struggling, and this may all get better once he’s diagnosed and medicated? Will separating damage them more or less than continuing to be around someone with only glimmers of their true personality and happiness? (I know his ADHD is the real him too, but his personality when not completely overshadowed by his symptoms).

I almost wish he was just a bastard because at least then the decision would be easy, but I do believe he’s a good man deep down, I’ve just not seen that man in such a long time.

He has nowhere to go if I do ask him to leave, and if he goes to stay with family that’s a long way from us, and would really damage his mental health even further (for many a reason alongside the distance).

Sorry, I know this is a complete mess of a post, but I’m just exhausted and feel trapped and like I just have no idea how to make the right decision. Any insight or advise would be greatly appreciated.

He needs more care than you can give him. It's as simple as that. You have tried and tried and it's not working.

So now it's time to put the children first. Growing up in a house with an angry, moody man is very scary. They might love him but that doesn't mean they aren't frightened too. He needs to leave until he has managed to get himself in a better place with the aid and support of trained professionals. Then you can discuss him returning as your equal partner AND as their father. He needs to be both.

Oh my love I’m so sorry. It’s so hard. Maybe try couples therapy as a means of communicating your needs to him? Depression is a cruel beast but it can be overcome. He might need to change meds or dosage. However hard it is, I’d stick to trying a bit longer to find a way to make his symptoms improve. Leaving him might only make more pain if you love him.

What is the reason for the marijuana prescription? Is he out of work?

This is so difficult but you can't fix them. How many more years of this should you put up with? It isn't fair on you or the children. They should see an engaged parent, begging for crumbs of attention from a dad that is either gaming or asleep is not a nice life for them or you.

What you model now is what they will expect for their own relationships - what would you say to them in this situation?

My ex was like this, but not moody, just constantly unemployed, sleepy, gaming. He was lovely to the kids when around, but they would accept that most of the time he would be on his computer or asleep. Even when he started to sort himself out he would still put himself first, he got in shape and lost weight, got a job, then had an affair. He now is a more engaged parent when he is with them, to be honest i think only having to put the effort in in bursts helps. He had to move far away and live with family as well, which isn't ideal i imagine for some reasons that could cross over.

So, in short, I've been where you are i think. For 20 years i tried to change this depressed man i loved that i knew was a good person but couldn't seem to get it together. He's a better parent now even though he isn't around. He's held down a job for 3 years because he basically had to. I can't promise this will happen for you, i think circumstances did just align in a way where he was on upswing when we finished, and we could end up in the shit still, but waiting for him to become who you need isn't going to work. He isn't pulling his weight and likely never will until he's ready to. I wish I'd ended things years ago and got on with my life, but i have my wonderful girls so i wouldn't change what actually happened, I'm just sad for myself that i put up with 20 years of crumbs of attention and got my heart broken anyway.

You need support. Is there a group you could join? You cannot be his counsellor, emotional support etc when problems are so severe and prolonged. U don't want to go.under. i think, I say from.experience, this changes the complete dynamics of everything. Good luck OP

I think one thing to remind ourselves of in situations like this op is that your mental health is just as important as his .

When? Now. Yesterday. He has to go back to his parents and perhaps come visit the weekends and sort himself during the week. I would not divorce but I would separate until I saw a profound change. That would help also to protect the kids. If after x amount of time he has not sorted himself out I would get a divorce. You are enabling him and nothing will change as is. So things needs to be a little bit difficult for him to take a grip. He can meet you going up but you do not stay down because he can't face life. You need support also. Just reading it this is unbearable. You are a strong lady OP. He has to step up.