Does your partner take initiative?

[Swirls346]

Been with my partner 6 years, we have a house together and a toddler. I love my partner and he has many amazing qualities and is a really good dad.
However, he has one thing that really gets to me sometimes and that's his lack of initiative. I sometimes feel like I have to spell things out to him. It's like I'm the driving force if that makes any sense.
It's hard to put into words but I'll give an example.
Due to go somewhere this evening- not a meal just an Xmas market so nothing important (I was at work all day but partner looking after DC) got back from work and get all ready to go and toddler very tired and crying in pushchair etc asking to go home to bed. I take him back. Partner failed to tell me that he'd only had a 30 minute nap (usually has 2 hours) so would know he would be tired. I just thought he would've at least mentioned it. Is this a lack of initiative?
This is just one small example but there are many many things. Is it just a man thing? (Or is that sexist to say?).
Am I being uptight?
How are others in their relationships?
I feel like I'm always making the plans and feel kind of bossy sometimes but it's like if I don't give direction then things won't get done.

Same. Many years down the line here and it's pretty much destroyed our marriage tbh.
I make everything happen. And I'm completely exhausted by it. If I don't the kids miss out, so I do.
My husband is one of the better ones too, compared to friends husbands. He does equal housework etc, but I have to do all the planning and point out what needs doing etc. it's pretty depressing really. Men get away with the bare minimum so often.

Snap. It's draining. It would never occur to think whether to take something out of the freezer for dinner for example, or that the dog needs to go out, or that we've run out of kitchen roll. He'll happily do it if asks but just doesn't seem to see it. Holidays are 100% on me too.

Yep. Holidays, day trips, visits to the cinema, concerts, theatre etc etc. I've made us move house every time too. We'd still be in a one bed flat if it were up to him. He is a passenger.

@Scrabblingaround It sounds so tough for you. I get exhausted too. Although we do have a happy relationship I do find day to day life quite draining. It's so hard because he's a really great person and does equal house work etc and is such a decent person and there is love there. But this side of him just sometimes sucks the life out of me because I carry 100 percent of the mental load.

I completely understand. It is draining. My eldest is I sixth form now, and we've been together for 20 years. He's a decent man, by most standards, but being the project manager of our lives has really sucked the love out.
I would try and express this to your partner now. Show him this thread maybe. A smaller nudge now might make a big difference to where you are by the the time you're my age.

XH was like this. Even when I tried to involve him in things (eg deciding on a day out or a holiday) it would be "I don't mind, whatever you think". He always said that it was because I would 'fuss' if he made the wrong choice (totally not true) and that he was 'easygoing'. Lazy, more like.

DP, on the other hand, notices things that need doing (and just does them), suggests trips/holidays/meals (and organises same)- just generally more involved in the relationship. It's wonderful.

And yet they manage to hold down responsible jobs - often with budgets, decision making powers, and management responsibilities. Weird, huh? I think having a penis makes your brain turn into turnip once you step foot in a home.

My stbxh is like this. It's draining, then you become frustrated and angry, then resentment builds. Then it's over.

It doesn't matter if it's general communication, or cleaning, or remembering the cereal needs replacing or the house insurance needs paying, if it's something that happens again and again and again it does your head in. They are not behaving like a real adult but a thoughtless teenager, and who wants to remain married to one of those. Get marriage counselling, get your communication skills better, and if it still happens then you only have two choices left. Accept it or leave.

Edit - I agree with pp. Easy going or chilled or laid back or doesn't mind = lazy.

My stbx is like this too. I've said to him many times that I don't feel like he's really part of our family, he never suggests anything for us all to do, doesn't appear to consider or think about anyone apart from himself and doesn't think it's his job to know where things like lightbulbs are, or to get a plumber out if a tap stops working etc. He basically just comes along to stuff I organise,is usually negative about it anyway but doesn't ever suggest anything else. The times I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling he seemed genuinely affronted that I would expect him to do or know to do any of these things because he 'just doesn't see/think of them'. So apparently that's him absolved of all responsibility, but of course someone has to step up. Total turnoff and I'll feel so much lighter and happier without mentally lugging another adult around with me.

My husband is pretty useless at helping with day to day things like booking gp appts, dental appts, ordering stuff online. He does try and help with washing but does stupid stuff like put a load of wet washing in the tumble dryer without taking the dry load out.

He works hard and does long hours, he's good at cleaning up on his days off - apart from he moves everything around and I can't find stuff lol! Fortunately we get on great and after 20+ years I've accepted that I need to be the organised one.

I’m just not playing the game anymore.

My ex partner was just like this, he couldn't seem to see past what was right in front of him fulfilling his needs right there and then. I think it is a male trait, but it is exhausting to deal with.
I got to a point where I was constantly thinking I could make all these decisions just for me and not have to have someone moan about it. So I left and I've not regretted it

Then they have the audacity to say they don't know what happened or what they did

My ex was like this too and it got worse over time. I started to get resentful and it's pretty much what split us up.

I think a lot of men are just 'switched off' (i.e. just choosing to let the woman take the main responsibility for everything). My sister has the same with her partner who is actually useless.

This happens in my marriage too. It’s very draining. He rarely plans anything, goes along with what I plan but usually with a bad grace. After 9 years we now have a workable system for sharing housework and bits of childcare but the mental load (days out, play dates, family gatherings, any “enrichment” activities, school stuff, clubs) is all mine. I’m tired of trying to involve him and some days I think I’m a better parent without him.

DH will take the initiative...if I tell him to 🙄😂.

My ex was like this but not just lazy - it was strategic. I did everything and then if something went wrong he could blame/criticise me for it. Anything from what I bought at the supermarket to holidays to a renovation project … inevitably at some point I would hear “I never wanted to do this, it was all your idea”. Then he had the cheek to call me controlling.

One plus side is that is is GREAT preparation for being a single parent … you don’t notice the difference and you just get on with it and don’t waste energy on seething resentment.

He’s a bit more organised than me, however neither of us would have mentioned the nap, sometimes they are shorter, thats life, it wouldn’t mean we would change a day out etc.

One of the multiple reasons my ex is my ex.

Oh I have been here. It felt like I had an extra child and it sucked the joy from life. Then I read The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle (don't let the title put you off.) My life has changed immeasurably and my man now steps up for me and our family. It really is a different world now. I highly recommend the book!

I call it ' extra child syndrome ' , it makes you feel just like that .

No .. if anything I am probably the one less likely to 'take the initiative' . My DH is very proactive about organising everything .. holidays, socialising, decoration/renovation projects etc etc .. in fact I wish he'd just chill out sometimes. I am much more laid back .. happy to do the 'essential' stuff but not so bothered about the 'extra' things in life.

Thanks everyone. Seems like there are other men out there like it too.
Hes definitely not lazy and not doing it because he's lazy. I genuinely think it's just the way his brain works. If I ask him to do something he's more than happy to do it.
Another (small) example, he got up with toddler at 6am- my turn to lay in yay. House was freezing when I woke up (literally so so cold). It would never occur to him though to switch the heating on?? Like would he just sit in the cold all the time if I never thought that the heating needs to go on.
I know it's something minor but it's things like this all the time.
He constantly leaves lamps on and even left the iron on once, he's also left the hob on before after we went to bed.
It's like I constantly have to think for 2 people just to be safe.
I don't want to leave him because I do love him and we have a good happy relationship generally. It's just these things that grate on me so much. I know he's never going to change because this is how his brain works. He's also not a very practical person so useless etc at any DIY.

He always said that it was because I would 'fuss' if he made the wrong choice (totally not true) and that he was 'easygoing'.
This was the kind of thing my exh used to say, too. There was always an underlying suggestion that I was uptight and nasty, and he was the nice, laid-back one. No hint of an understanding that by making this suggestion he was actually not being very nice about me. In my current relationship I'm not painted in this light and it is great feeling that my partner likes me.

Current bf does take the initiative - I'd say it's quite evenly balanced - and I love it when he makes plans. Nothing sexier than a capable man.

Exactly like my ex, would never think to put heating on because he's not cold himself, wouldn't think maybe our child might be. Never thinks to turn off a light he's turned on, if he cooks something he leaves the electric hob on 8/10 times. The thing is I bet when he's living on his own he'll be able to do all that because he hasn't got me to fall back on. And that's what's so upsetting about men behaving like this, they're just coasting and piling more pressure on their partners. Very selfish behaviour.