How do I tell him I want a divorce??!

[sadorange]

Long story short, we got together in very early twenties when all we did was get shit-faced, have sex and hang out with our mates - not necessarily in that order!!

Three years later, as he was in the army it was easiest to get married so that we could get a very cheap house rather than keep paying rent privately. Lots of time spent apart with him away, on tour or out with friends.

Another three years and first daughter arrived, two years later, second daughter. I gave up work because we kept moving around and it was ‘easier’ for me to look after the girls than to pay others to do it. Lots of time spent apart with him away, on tour or out with friends.

Twelve more years and we are now home owners. I am working and doing all the housework and school runs etc. He is still in the army, leaving next year and had taken a job in London which will mean he will be away during the week. Lots of time spent apart with him away or playing on Xbox until the early hours.

We haven’t had sex for at least four months.

We don’t seem to connect at all and communication is terrible.

I feel sad but I can’t bear the thought of living like this for the rest of my life.

There’s a lot more to it but that’s a start, I guess I’m looking for someone to understand or offer some advice.

In my early forties and I don’t want to ‘give up’ yet because I feel so sad and miserable and uncared about that I think I need to do something Or my mental health is going to suffer more than it already has (as I said, there’s a lot more to the story)

Sorry for long ramble, thank you for reading of you got this far xx

Op, your marriage is over. You know it is, so please, don't waste anymore time. Yours or his.

See a solicitor first, as soon as humanly possible, then tell him you're filing for divorce however is easiest for you. Email, phone, text. Inform him as kindly as you can that you're filing for divorce and you want to work together to develop an excellent co-parenting relationship.

Just get it over with. Life is passing you by.

I disagree that your marriage is over. You have said you're not ready to give up, and there's no reason to rush into making any decisions without discussing through the issues with your DH.
It's not usual for relationships to go through phases, particularly when children are growing older, and as we become more "comfortable" and make less of an effort.
You need to give yourself, and DH, the opportunity to reasses your priorities. Talk to him. Invite him out on a date. Make an effort to reignite the spark. Talk about future plans.
You are in your early 40, you've put in all the hardwork raising your children, you've got through the most challenging years, now is the time you and your husband should be seeing the rewards of that hardwork.
If you want to make it work, and he wants to make it work, you need to move into the next stage as a team. Its so easy to just give up, but there are so many more benefits to working at it if you still love each other.
My DH was medically discharged after 20 years service. I was fortunate to retain a career alongside his. While I supported his career, it was hard on us all with sacrifices made all round.
The dynamics of our relationship completely changed as we adjusted to the new normal after his discharge, but he's my best friend so I was prepared to make compromises.

Op, your husband is finally leaving the Army, and yet he's decided to take on yet another job that keeps him away all week. When he's home, he's playing Xbox and your communication is terrible.

I'm all for trying to save a marriage when there's something worth saving, and both of you have to want it to work equally as much. I think him choosing to work away is quite telling.

Ending a marriage is not a failure, op.

Adjusting to civilian life isn't easy, for husband or wife, particularly if the period of service has been lengthy. For those on active duty there can be mental health issues, feelings of disconnection, etc. Finding employment can also be challenging. A lot of veterans struggle in civilian employment and transition into security roles or other roles working away from home.
Conversations need to take place. Assess where you're at and where you want to be. If you are both reading off the same page, and you're both prepared to work at it, then work together.

If mental health issues haven't been discussed previously, now might be the time to seek advise.

Currently in similar position and reading this for advice

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=www.amazon.co.uk/When-Marriage-Needs-Answer-Struggling-ebook/dp/B07T8C73F6&ved=2ahUKEwidvKTw2N2CAxWngf0HHerxA4gQFnoECBUQAQ&usg=AOvVaw3a5uOqq9zwWZa3oemv75V9

Hi OP, I don’t think your marriage is over as it does sound like you want to make it work. Most men are not very verbal and expressive - my husband certainly isn’t. Like one of the other posters have said marriage takes work and also has phases, just like life does.

I was separated in my marriage quite early on for one whole year due to reasons not only relating to my husband but the wider family. We worked it out and live happily together now, 9 years in total since we’ve been married.

I do love my husband dearly and he loves me too and I’m so grateful and glad that I didn’t give up on our marriage despite a lot of people giving me the advice to call it quits and move on.

Marriage counselling, date nights, communication (being mindful of the words we say esp not to apportion blame etc) helped! Good luck xx