DP wants overnight guests and I can’t cope

[EbonyWood]

I live abroad in a tiny apartment. The city we live in is a very desirable holiday destination and many people want to visit us and therefore stay with us. We live in 2 rooms - a small bedroom and a tiny lounge/kitchen. We barely have enough space for the both of us and are quite literally bursting at the seams.

My DP wants people to stay all the time. His family, friends etc. We don’t have a pull out bed but he said they’d be fine sleeping on the sofa - which I am not keen on since it is an off white fabric and I don’t want a sweaty drunk man I barely know dribbling all over it!

I have battled on and off with OCD for many years and I think it comes down to that, and the fact I am an introvert and I need downtime to recharge. Until I can shut off guests in their own bedroom (once we can afford a flat with a 2nd bedroom!), I just don’t want anyone here staying. His family are a little sloppy and always break stuff when they come over (expensive wine glasses, photo frames, lamps!) they are all heavy smokers and stink the place out. His friends are all single and just want to go out and come home late at night drunk. I just don’t want that in my tiny space for now.

Am I being selfish? I am happy to host dinners and drinks etc to keep down those costs for our visitors. I love doing that and making it special. DP thinks it’s selfish because it’s expensive to stay in hotels but I have found hotels locally that are under £75 a night, which in the grand scheme of them making a big trip over here, isn’t that bad IMO.

I think there is also a huge assumption that we will just have people who want to come on holiday. Lots of people we aren’t too close to have asked to stay with us, and I feel like it’s just a way to get free accommodation! Argh! The cheek of people.

so is my DP right, am I selfish and awful or do I have a leg to stand on here!?

Of course you are not being unreasonable. Just the size of the flat is enough reason to say no.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

YANBU.
I would hate to have people sleeping on a sofa in my living room for their holiday. A night or two, fair enough, but not a whole holiday!

Good god no YANBU

I think your thoughts are completely reasonable. Of course if it was close close family you could offer to host for a night then them go in a hotel, however that is your home where you should feel comfortable at all times. So you are well within your rights to say no.

I think there is a compromise to be had, but i think you need to recognise mumsnet can be very anti guests.

Thank you all.

I think my compromise is that I am always happy to cook and provide meals and drinks for people as the cost of going out here is extortionate.

knowing that they are leaving and I can get my tiny space back at the end of the night is something I really need.

I will add too, that my DP is up and out for work at 5am. So he’d be waking up our guests - I told him that it just wouldn’t be a comfortable stay for anyone but he seems to think no one will care that they are being woken so early!

Are people coming to see you or basically have free holiday accommodation?

Both. Some of my family have come to see us but stayed in their own accommodation (they said they didn’t want to stay with anyway us as it wouldn’t be comfortable so we were off the hook!). We can’t have two adult people to stay, they can’t both sleep on the sofa! So parents for now have had to stay in their own accommodation.

I have suspicions that other people want a free holiday, and quite frankly it’s most of DP’s friends who just want to come out and get hammered with him!

also DP is incredibly generous and normally pays for absolutely everything when him and his friends go out! The favour is never returned. That’s why I also have such an issue with certain friends of his taking him (us!) for a ride.

If you had a nice big house with a guest room I'd say you were slightly unreasonable but with what you have actually got, you are absolutely right.

Remind DP that none of you are students any more and it's not going to happen.

If you had a nice big house with a guest room I'd say you were slightly unreasonable but with what you have actually got, you are absolutely right.

We’ve got plenty of space but I would still find this really stressful. I just need my own space to decompress

Have they never heard of a hotel. Not Airbnb because it's pricing the locals out.

Honestly, get in touch with your inner bitch and say "Sorry, can't do it/have an appointment/get rid of the husband

What makes his right to flood the flat with people supersede yours for a quiet life?

Who on earth smokes in someone else's house?! Rude af unless your partner is saying it's OK.

You're not unreasonable.

Lol you're not being selfish, that sounds like a nightmare. I would also not want guests in such a small place.

It sounds like they are coming for a cheap holiday rather than to see you.

If the guest does come, make no allowances. Don’t stay in the bedroom longer than you normally would. Don’t be quiet in the living room. Let your child make as much noise as they usually would and play/watch TV as they usually would. Make it clear to your husband that if people are going to be on your sofa, you can’t make special allowances for them.

I thought from the title that you sounded unreasonsble, but now I see the sofa situation then no, YADNBU!

Zombie zombie zombie

Actually I think you are being unreasonable to say no to any guests at all. If you live away from family and friends it's normal and fair that your DP wants them to stay sometimes. I think there's a middle ground where it's just close family and friends, not all the time and strictly no smoking. Also can you buy a sofa bed? They don't have to be that expensive.

i don’t think they have space for a sofa bed? Sometimes there’s simply no extra space for extra people

YANBU!!!

And we probably host visitors for at early a month out of every year in our house in Portugal.

The difference is we have the luxury of 2 en-suite rooms for them. So far all insist on taking us out for dinner once during their visits and split most bills outside the house. Of course we still spend significant amounts on booze and food consumed at home but one has ever arrived empty handed.

In your set-up I’d be sending people links to local cheap accommodation and telling them we’d love to show them around the area and have them round to the flat for dinner etc. I also think it’s a great grifter strainer. If they won’t spend €60 euros a night to see their great friends/ family then it’s not so much about you as about the free ride. If you have a car I would want to pick them up and drop off at the airport if it is family. We do for friends too but then we are close to an airport.

The reason we do host a lot is it was our choice to bugger off so we feel it’s on us to make some efforts to nurture friendships if we want to keep them. We’ve only felt one couple took the piss a bit and they were acquaintances rather than friends, who invited themselves, and we’ve been careful to back off and we won’t have them back.

Given the size of the OPs home I'd be interested to hear what sort of solution you have in mind.

In that situation a single overnight would be more than enough and definitely no smoking.

yanbu! No way would i allow anyone to smoke in my flat.

When there’s simply no space,what would a compromise look like? You get threads like this at Christmas, people suggesting sleeping guests are piled high in every room, madness, and no fun for anyone