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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do you know if it’s over..?!

1 reply

detectiveme123 · 24/11/2023 12:07

So, long story short…we’ve been married 15 years, 2 DC of 12 and 9. We’ve let being parents get in the way of our marriage and if I’m being honest it’s me that’s done that more than DH. Over the years he’s tried and I’ve pushed back but I get the sense he’s given up a bit now, which I sort of understand. We’ve managed to make more of an effort recently (including having more sex but we don’t seem to quite connect there fully) but he’s said in the various fairly serious talks/arguments/heart to hearts we’ve had recently that it doesn’t feel natural and even said once he’s not sure we make each other happy anymore. Whilst I appreciate his honesty I was a bit taken aback by that and didn’t know what to say. He’s right that I let being a parent become my priority and I’ve rejected him many times over the years, which is 110% my fault. There are other circumstances, he has a close female friend that I’m not entirely convinced he hasn’t fallen for…I accused him of having an affair or at least fancying her and he denied it. We seem to be going round in circles with everything and never getting anywhere, having the same “chats” again and again. He’s a great dad and both DC adore him. I often wonder if we didn’t have DC would we be braver and call it a day. I just don’t know what to do, or who to talk to…I’m a bit embarrassed to be honest.

OP posts:
Hbosh · 24/11/2023 12:46

It's not over until you've at least tried to do something to change the dynamic between you, other than the things you've been doing for the past 15 years.
Doing exactly the same obviously isn't working.

So either you decide that you don't want to try anything else and you're at peace with the marriage being over... Or you get out of your comfort zone and actually make a change.
That change being: couples therapy, prioritizing your marriage above other things, really working on your communication style using workbooks, listening to podcasts on the topic together, ...
You sya it's been mostly your husband who put in the effort. But as you agree, it's only understandable that he's at the point of giving up since he's gotten little to no return investment from you.
It's time to decide. Are you ready to let go of him, of are you going to step up?

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