How do I get over dating anxiety?

[greenfieldsandblueskies]

I have been speaking to a guy for around three months. We've FaceTimed and spoken on the phone about three times and are due to meet on Wednesday. We are both busy single parents and I've just moved, hence it has been hard to meet. He asked to speak on the phone yesterday, which we did for an hour and a half. The conversation was fun, lots of laughs and then he said he had to go to bed as it was late. I was expecting a text to say it was lovely to chat but I received nothing. It has made me second guess everything. Now I'm replaying the whole conversation 'was I too loud', 'was I too honest,' 'did I speak too much', 'was I too negative about my ex' 'was I just too much.' My last relationship was abusive and my ex was very controlling and emotionally abusive. As I have to co parent with him I still regular receive abusive texts about 'how I'm mental' 'I need help' etc etc! This has massively impacted how I see myself and how I think others see me. How do I get over this? I'm in my forties, so shouldn't be feeling like a 16 year old when dating, I should be confident and self assured. I know deep down I am a nice, caring, fun person who is attractive (I'm not perfect and can be fiery, which I explained to potential dater) and have a lot to give the right person. I just seem to always be second guessing myself.

Ypu had a great phone call lasting for an hour and a half. Presumably he'd said he enjoyed chatting with you and demonstrated that by continuing the conversation for 90 mins and said your goodnight at the end of it

A follow up text would have been completely unnecessary in my mind and probably his too.

You didn't send one to him either I presume? If it was his bedtime, he'll have been thinking about the call and getting ready for hed/preparing to go to work. Don't read something into it that clearly wasn't there.

Just reread and seen you're in your 40s. Presumably he is too? I definitely wouldn't text or expect a text from someone I'd just spent most of the evening talking to on the phone. That's just overkill.

Thanks @GreyCarpet this is exactly the type of advice I was after! Sometimes with anxiety you spend so long catastrophising and thinking of worst case scenarios !

I totally get the anxiety. I often felt unsure of myself when dating, prior to meeting DP. I suggest really making an effort to push these thoughts to the back of your mind. Like PP has said, he's gone to bed after a lovely, 90 minute call. Think about the positives you got from the call. Allow negative thoughts of they come, then literally push them away. And think about a positive again. Keep yourself busy. If you struggle after a call like that because it's bedtime, hence you'll think more, then get out a book, or scroll Netflix whatever works for you. I would guess you'll get a lovely message today, but you have to train your thoughts between interactions. Its so hard to take people at face value, but, all you do have is the evidence in front of you, he spent 90 minutes talking with you! Only you!

@Humanswarm thank you for such a lovely response. It's like a giant hug. Yes, my rational brain was thinking he spent 90 minutes talking to me. Then my arsehole anxiety brain is saying but maybe that was because I dominated the conversation and he couldn't get off the phone! I'm going to go to the gym and exercise the demons away!

I know! 😁

Sometimes you just need to 'logic' yourself out of it 😉

@GreyCarpet I don't know if you've ever suffered from anxiety but for some reason I am great at giving other people logical advice but taking it... no way!

You’ve got nothing to worry about at all, he probably felt that just had a lovely 90 minute phone call with you and presumably he said good night at the end of that so didn’t feel the need to say the same thing again.

He wouldn’t have just spent 90 minutes talking to you on the phone if he wasn’t into you and you had lots of laughs and a fun time.

Have you heard from him this morning?

@JasonJuly nope nothing! He is a bit inconsistent with communication... who knows! Maybe he doesn't want to come across as too keen 🤣😂🤣

Lol as long as that’s normal for him anyway, maybe he’s still sleeping as he enjoyed the phone call last night so much and needs to recover 😆

Could I pm you to ask about the anxiety side?

@JasonJuly go for it

There’s absolutely nothing to be lost by you messaging him this morning just to say ‘good morning how are you? Nice to chat last night x’ then leave the ball in his court.

Honestly most men don’t spend 90 minutes on the phone to someone they’re not interested in.

I know it’s difficult - I’m single after a 25 year relationship so I get it - but just be a little bit brave and go with the flow.