Another birthday one (sorry)

[Peachyscream]

It’s my 40th next month. I don’t normally celebrate birthdays but I’d like to feel a bit special this year. Frankly, it’s been shit. In and out of hospital.
Normally I just treat myself to something, if I fancy it. But I’m pissed off that I feel like I’m not worth anything.
So, I reminded my dh of 20 years a few days ago. Then again today… and he started taking the mick. He asked what I want. I said ‘think about what you think I’d like’
for context- the tv show we were watching at the time had a lady with earrings on. I said ‘ooh I want some like that!’ This was Literally 20 minutes before this conversation!!

He said ‘family meal at a restaurant’ I said hmm surprise me. The thing with eating out is he MOANS CONSTANTLY so it’s not fun.

What I really want is a holiday without kids. Or jewellery. Or a massage. Something completely indulgent. To clarify HE KNOWS THIS IS WHAT I WANT. I HAVE MENTIONED IT BEFORE!

What do I do? If I ask for it, it sort of devalues the gift. If he doesn’t get what I want, I’ll feel resentful. If I don’t ask, I will boil with anger when I get lidl flowers.

please. Be gentle. I am having a shit time.

Presumably all finances are shared? I’d get very cross with him, say everything you’ve said in the post, and then buy myself some jewellery and book a massage. I’d also tell him to stop moaning about eating out.

Finances are separate.

I hinted about my 40th, and I truly thought my DH understood.i waited for the party, the present and all I got was my mum popping over with a cake... that was a ghastly peach colour and had no filling, just solid ugly cake!
It was a miserable day and still upsets me. (I know that sounds ungrateful, but there we have it!).

l learnt my lesson, I told him what I wanted for my 50th, and have a picture of us climbing the Sydney Harbour Bridge to prove it!!!
You need to be clear what you want for your birthday, don't rely on him to surprise you, and if you do expect peach-coloured cake!!!

Sounds like you need to make it crystal clear what he should get you. It does devalue the gift a bit, but I think that's preferable to feeling down and resentful on the day at his lack of effort. You deserve a special day.

Don't hint!!!!!
DON'T HINT!
Be specific.
Send a link
Suggest a holiday.
Don't hint - tell him.
Or you'll end up with an airfryer and a meal at nandos.

I told my dh I wanted to visit Rome.
He took the hint and booked the break specifically for my 50th.
However my birthday is in August.
A roman friend told dh he was mad to book Rome in August, I was faint by the time we had walked from the train station to the hotel. Rome was fantastic but very, very hot.
Sometimes even the best of intentions can be misguided.

Be very clear about what you want.

You don't ask your kids for hints for Christmas you ask them what they want.

If you’ve been married for 20 years and don’t share finances, then I’m guessing you have bigger issues than your DH being a bit shit at presents.

I’ve sent the link…

I do, but I also buy them some things they've not asked for because I KNOW them and I know what they like. Sometimes it's nice to show that you've put some thought into it.

My DP would get me absolutely anything I wanted if I told him. But that's not what I want. I want someone to show me they love me & know me enough to actually put a bit of effort in and pick.

I think it's maybe different if you're older and finances aren't tight - if I wanted jewellery I could buy it for myself (within reason) but I wouldn't do it. I could also send my DP an link to earrings I loved and he'd buy them for a birthday/Christmas. However I'd much prefer earrings I loved slightly less but he'd put thought and effort into picking them

Choose what you want to do for your birthday and book it, tell him specifically what you want, much less chance of drama and disappointment this way

OP, take this advice. I’m speaking as someone who got a poxy air fryer for my birthday this year. “You said you wanted one”. No, I said I wanted a Velvetiser!

Don't set him tests you know he'll fail. If he's a shit inconsiderate partner all year round, don't make your birthday the day you get definitive proof of it. Instead insist on better all year round, or think about whether you want to spend the next 20 years with him.

I don't believe in hinting to people because they might not get it.

If your husband is the type to forget, send him a text or an email with all the list of things you would like to happen. Maybe he can pick one or two off of the list then it's still a surprise and let him organise it.

Win win.

Use a piece of card and wax crayons and write a list.

I want A or b or c.
I do not want x or y or z.