If he wanted to/if he loved you he would

[ivemesseduphelp]

I often see the above sentence being posted on here in reply to a woman who is asking why her bf hasn't proposed yet. It is common for posters to share stories of their friend who waited around for a proposal and eventually left and the ex got married to another woman very soon afterwards and had kids with her etc. The message is that the woman is a placeholder for the man and if he doesn't want to commit now he never will - he is just benefiting from the sex she provides and will move on and find someone else for the long term.

However, as a woman who moves slowly in relationships I am not sure if this is a fair assessment. I can see that I would possibly freak out if my bf proposed to me when I didn't feel ready. It's not because I don't love him - I absolutely do - it's more to do with me and what I feel ready for. Bf asked about moving in together in passing about a year into our relationship and I shut it down completely. It's been 2 1/2 years and only recently have I really begun to think about our future and living together and we are now having those conversations. I see marriage and babies in our future - that doesn't mean I want those things now but nor does it mean that I don't' love or am not committed to my boyfriend.

Is it fair to say it's always the case that these men don't love these woman and that they are just placeholders until something better comes along? Or is it possible that these men could just be like me and need a little more time?

I never see women posting about the same feelings as me - am I an anomaly?

It's generally things like they've been engaged or together for donkeys years in those threads or initially he said they'd get married and then he went off it.

I think a couple of years, yeah, sure, taking your time - if you don't "know" after 5 or so, or after several children then it's billy bullshit. 😀

They've normally got the house and the kids but 'don't want to commit to marriage', that's the problem.

I don't see not wanting to get married yet or at all is a sign someone doesn't love you.

Some people don't want marriage, some take it really slowly and some just aren't bothered.

I have friends who've been together 25 years, kids, house, very happy and in love but never married.

They're committed, they've built a whole life together and other than some concerns about finances, I can't see what a marriage can bring to that.

Then there's those waiting for a proposal which seems absolutely mental to me.
Why are we not having conversations with our partners about life plans and goals?
Agreeing we want to get married, and when.

Yes a proposal is nice (if you like that sort of thing) but it's all performative bullshit. It means nothing and says nothing about a relationship.
I was proposed to but I was young and frankly dumb and I can tell you now the least important part of any of it is how we got engaged.

Women need to take control of their own lives and stop giving men so much power over what happens.

If you're with someone who doesn't want marriage and you do then it might not be the right relationship for you or you can negotiate together on what feels comfortable.

I do agree there's important financial protections in getting married, especially for women whose income, pension and savings are most likely to be impacted so talk about it, make some decisions and if he won't do that it's a far bigger red flag that not putting a ring on it.

So if you split up with your long term partner would you rush into marriage and babies with your new partner.

The issue is usually the unwillingness to be honest (to their partner or themselves) about why they want to go slower than the other person.

And most of the time people are saying this, it's because "conveniently" the things the partner wants to go slow on are the ones that they don't get a huge benefit from. They don't want to go slow about things like their girlfriend moving in and splitting costs/chores (or doing the majority). They don't want to go slow about having kids, knowing they don't intend to do their fair share. They do suddenly want to go slow when combining finances, making legal commitments, giving their partner legal rights to their property etc etc.

Of course that can and does happen but I don't think that's the case for a lot of these situations is it?

Of course that can and does happen but I don't think that's the case for a lot of these situations is it?

Yes, it is.