Being left out of stuff - aren’t we too old for this?!

[allaboardthestation]

I’m in my mid(ish) 20s and have finally come to a good place with friendships after having the typical struggles as a teenager. I have plenty of hobbies and differing friendship groups from said hobbies, previous jobs, uni, school etc.

I’ve just been on social media and seen that I’ve been left out of a group gathering with some people I would consider my close group of friends. It’s a small gathering so I suspect they’ve just been thoughtless rather than malicious, but it still stings. We regularly meet up separately and together, have been messaging this week and there’s no reason (to my knowledge) that I wouldn’t have been invited. WHY on Earth as a grown woman does this upset me so much?! Please slap some sense into me!

I’m sorry. This is one of the reasons I don’t do social media - because it does hurt. It’s not immature or unreasonable to feel this way.

The first response nailed it. Social media is brutal, it’s seriously damaging to a persons mental health and I’ve been much much happier since I’ve left it.

Is there one person in the group who you’re closest to who you could ask why you were excluded?

Thanks both. Yes, social media is a pain, although to be honest since I’ve been so busy I had seen it as far less of a problem!

Yes, one person that posted about it I was speaking to today and she asked me when I was free to meet. I’m going to mention it to her when I do see her and see what she says.

Oh this really pisses me off with people.

Why???

It may not be malicious but it's just damn thoughtless isn't it especially splashing it all over the internet and not even thinking or being bothered how it may make someone else who they're supposed to be friends with upset.

People have got so self centred now it's shocking at times.

Sorry you were made to feel crap op

So she knew you were not included and would not be seeing you at the gathering?

So she knew and it must be deliberate?

Yeah definitely bring it up with her, I’d want to know. Was it a small gathering as in so small that others from what is a wider group were excluded or was it just you from the group who was excluded? Might not be so hurtful if it’s the former.

I've got one very good friend who hangs out with a circle of people that I am only ever on the periphery of. I've known them for years but I am left out of all sorts that appears online. It does hurt a little, but I'd probably not be interested in most of the stuff anyway and my close friend probably knows this and doesn't want me to have the pressure of declining things. I do plenty of concerts etc with the good friend I have. I realised years ago that I hate doing anything in large groups anyway , so I just focus on that.

Being left out isn't fun at any age, @allaboardthestation It's instinctive. Our ancestors didn't reach 18 and then leave the tribe to be alone. Our predators didn't refuse to eat over-21s. Isolation affects old people more than most. It's not about age, and you're showing your youth if you think it is.

It does sound a bit thoughtless. A couple of things ccur led to le though.

Was everyone else included?

Do you always go to everything with them?

I know that, when I was part of a couple of friendship groups, I didn't get invited to everything they did because I'd sometimes turned things down and so they didn't regard me as much a core member of the group as they considered themselves and each other. This was largely because I didn't rely on them for all of my social needs and sometimes turned them down if I was busy or didnt fancy it.

Would you have been interested in what they did? I had a group of friends who didn't invite me if they went on spa days because, tbh, I can't think of anything I'd like to spend my time doing less! Oh and cocktails. I'm not really interested in doing cocktail evenings either. And they knew that.

But, yes, I'd mention it to the friend you're meeting up with to see what she says.

One explanation is that it is hosted by someone you know less well than the others. I am a member of a couple of circles that overlap (think group from nursery, another from primary school, and one from a hobby). One group in particular has someone I don’t know that well so while we’ll meet each other and have a nice chat in a say primary school friends night organised by a mutual friend, I wouldn’t think of inviting her to something I hosted and vice versa.

It is malicious.

They all organised it with one another and left you out.

You don't know this at all though....

Op you say you go to things "separately and together" with this group. Is it the case that the whole group met and just you were left out? Or that some of them met and they just think it's an example of them doing things separately and not always having to invite everyone, in the same way you're meeting with just the one friend from the group soon?

Perhaps they just live close together or have an interest in a particular thing or whatever. I'm part of a group, sometimes the others meet up without me (and vice versa) because they work different hours or the ones with young babies meet up together but don't think childfree friends would be interested, or ones with dogs go for a walk, or ones living near each other meet up for a coffee or three with an interest in theatre go to see a show but assume the others wouldn't want to...

sometimes I think "Oh I would have come along to that" if asked but equally I recognise that with a group its an absolute faff trying to organise a date that everyone can do and sometimes ends up with not doing anything at all because it feels mean to say "sorry Sarah I know you can't make Friday but the rest of us can so we're going anyway."

So sometimes it's just easier to do things in smaller groups.

So basically I'd give them the benefit of the doubt....by all means ask the friend what happened and say you'd like to be I voted next time if possible but don't go straight into assuming they are all horrible people and cut your nose off to spite your face just because anonymous posters on the MN like to stir up drama!

Isn't it connected to primitive primal fears so affects you body rather than just you mind. Possibly so that you make sure you are part of the tribe as you'd have difficulties fighting off sabre-tooth tigers single handed.

Conjecture presented as fact.

How do you propose to know the intentions of people you've never met? How do you know there wasn't another explanation, for example, one member of the group mistakenly said that OP was busy at that time?

Correct. Looking for something that says that and I found this from a university podcast

97% of mammals don't have bonds the way that humans do, but humans do. Then at the top of our pyramid is caring for your family. Because from an evolutionary perspective, what the name of the game is basically getting your genes into future generations.
Now, we don't consciously think that what we consciously think about our ancestors had a little checklist. First, they want to survive, got to feed themselves. Then not step on a poisonous bug. Then they've got to protect themselves from the bad guys. And there were lots of bad guys. Things were kind of nasty in the ancient environment. Then they need to care for their friends. They need to make sure they have a network of friends because humans as naked apes running around on the savannas of Africa, we didn't do so well on our own. But you get ten of us together throwing stones. We could protect ourselves from even major predators and bring down big animals. So, friendship is extremely important.

In primitive societies being thrown out of the tribe meant death. No one to hunt with or for you, show you how to make fire or what berries are poisonous, no one to care for you or cuddle up to when it's cold or help you fight off other tribes. We still have those brains despite being in the 21c and people having SM as their tribe.

I totally get this - I'm fine with my friends casually dropping into conversation 'Oh I met up with X on Thursday for a coffee'

But if I see photos of them having a lovely time on SM, it really hurts my feelings! It was quite noticable in my 20/30's when we all did go out a lot.

It's irrational, everyone is entitled to meet up without me, I meet up without other people - but I stepped away from FB and it all went away. I'm on it a bit more now we're all old & nobody goes out 😂

But if I see photos of them having a lovely time on SM, it really hurts my feelings! It was quite noticable in my 20/30's when we all did go out a lot

I was ostracised by a clique at work - one site I read while trying to rationalise why this was happening said to ask yourself the question 'how old does this situation make you feel?' in my case it was 12 years old when I was being excluded by classmates.

See, I don't get this attitude. You haven't been left out, you just weren't invited to this specific thing. I don't always invite all of a big group to everything, sometimes I want something a bit smaller, sometimes I need to talk to a specific friend about something.

Your friend has just asked you when your free, so obviously isn't trying to ditch you, so I don't really see what the problem is.

This will happen through child hood and all through adulthood. The best way to deal with it i find is to kill em with kindness. You don't know if it was malicious, if it was last minute.com, if someone forgot to ask you?

I always just say "ahh did you have fun" .. honestly not giving a shit is the way forward.

Thanks all for your replies and support. I definitely feel better now! FWIW I don’t think I’m being ostracised from the group as we are all still in regular contact and meeting up.

I do have a few regular commitments in the week (and am the ‘busy’ friend out of the group) so they might have just assumed I was busy, though it’s still nice to be asked. It’s the not knowing why that’s confused me so I’ll definitely ask my friend when I see her next week. It’s also just odd that she wouldn’t mention this when we’ve been speaking.

Also people can 100% reserve the right to meet up with whoever they choose, whenever they choose, but when there has been a pattern of meeting up and having a close bond, I think it’s natural to wonder why you’ve not been included. I’m not on the periphery of this group and nothing has happened to upset anyone - or so I thought.