New partner in touch with ex

[nextweekfriday]

I've been seeing a new partner for 4 months. He is 10yrs older than me divorced 5yrs after 20yrs of marriage. When we met he seemed very keen on me showering me with compliments, wanting to see me a lot and texting and calling often which he still does. After a month of dating I was holding his phone one night after we'd been drinking and a message popped up it showed a string of messages between him and an ex. He'd told me about this ex that she'd had a terrible time prior to meeting him as an ex of hers was sentenced to 12yrs for terrible crimes that she was completely unaware of and it turned her world upside down and he was sentenced whilst they were together. Everything she thought was true about this ex partner was a lie it resonated with him as his mother had also lied about the circumstances of his fathers death. It was a long distance relationship that he said had ended 6 months earlier she had also been with him when his mother died and they dated mostly during covid. He said their were extenuating circumstances given her past that meant he was in touch with her. I was surprised by the nature of the messages eg signing off with lots of kisses, saying he'd hope to meet someone as amazing as her. He has promised 3 or more times that he wasn't going to contact her again but when I've checked his phone (yes I know terrible) he's continued to be in touch alot. The most recent correspondence was saying he was having a wobble and saying he missed her. When I've confronted him he said he missed her as friends and the wobble was over me checking his phone and he said he would definitely not be in touch anymore. Intially I said unless he breaks off contact that's it between us but I've since said if he wants to be in touch with her then fine but as a result I would want things between us to slow down. He didn't want to do that and said he didn't want to be in touch anymore. On the face of it he's a great partner - he contacts me often daily morning and evening and lots of texts, arranges dates, has introduced me to his grown up kids wants us to spend Xmas together etc had shown a lot of interest in my life wanting to meet my daughter and friends he wants to be introduced as my boyfriend etc. I'm reluctant to embed him too much in my life given his contact with this ex I don't want to continue to check his phone, but also don't want to be a fool is he throwing himself into me to get over her? She's met someone else and lives over 3hours away. He also said they'd been dating quite some time before she told him she didn't think she could love anyone. So it's taken him a bit of time to trust that the relationship between him and I is real, he's said he thinks Im too good to be true he can't believe his luck etc. I'm just not sure what to do going forward? I don't want to check his phone as I've never done that previously in relationships, things between us is progressing but I'd like full confidence that he's not in touch with her? Or should I accept that even if he is contacting her he's not seeing her? Or should I forget whether they are in touch and just focus on him and I? I just don't want to have the feeling that I'm someone's plan b?

i would have known it was over if I had to check his phone

Tbh, you've no right to ask him to cut contact with someone he knew before he met you. Especially when you've only been seeing him (he's not a partner - he's a man you're seeing) for 4 months.

But that doesn't mean you have to he ok with it. You should end it. If you're checking his phone and issuing ultimatums after only 4 months, this is not the man for you.

I wouldn't put up with a new partner who tried to control how much I contacted anyone in my life already, ex or not. I certainly wouldn't put up with a new partner who went through my phone. The red flags are all coming from the OP here. I'd run a mile from her.

He's not over her, he said he missed her, you've seen the evidence, and he's lied about stopping contact, it's no way to spend your relationship wondering all the time, the trust has gone. Everyone deserves someone fully into them.

He still sounds entangled with her.

It was very unfair of him to start seeing someone else.

I'm sure he'd not be comfortable if you were acting this way with an ex of yours.

He needs gotten rid of, I'm sorry.

This comes under the "too many queens in the castle" chapter in "he's just not that into you".

It's like an emotional affair.

I'd get rid and start looking for someone else if you want to be in a relationship. Or just start looking for someone else.... Why date only him when he's got two women (even if it's only emotional with one of them) on the go? I wouldn't tell him either, he doesn't deserve the honesty. Hrs hardly honest himself is he, keeps saying he'll stop contacting her, doesn't stop.

Oh and the "she had a terribly hard time and that's why I need to be in contact with her/support her" is a common angle.

I dated someone who was still close to his ex and always said he felt sorry for her because she had health problems, lost her dad etc.

Funny but a fortnight after I ended the relationship, they got back together - hmmm

She's met someone else and lives over 3hours away

Why's she not getting her support from him then, and why's he not telling her to get her support from him.

The "I'm having a wobble and I miss you" says it all

That's not missing someone as a friend, I call BS. He's still friends with her & is in regular contact; so why would he be sending messages saying he misses her (as a friend).

He probably would have written "I miss our friendship" or something like that. But anyway it's not "missing" to miss it. They've been in regular contact, even after you said it was making you uncomfortable, or whatever you said, and he promised to stop.

Likewise the wobble does not refer to missing her as a mate. Who has wobbles about missing a mate who they're in contact with (?)

He's not being honest.

Disrespectful to you, to be going on like this.
Disrespectful to her new partner.

Tbh, you've no right to ask him to cut contact with someone he knew before he met you

She does if it's inappropriate.... Which it sounds like; corroborated by the "wobble" he described and "i miss you".

That's not platonic.

And op absolutely has the right to ask her bf, who's happy to shag her, no doubt, spend time with her, meet her family etc etc ...to not maintain non platonic contact with his ex partner.

They sound enmeshed.

It's not fair on you or her new partner, op.

Neither of you should feel obliged to fidelity or investment.

....I was surprised by the nature of the messages eg signing off with lots of kisses, saying he'd hope to meet someone as amazing as her. He has promised 3 or more times that he wasn't going to contact her again but when I've checked his phone (yes I know terrible) he's continued to be in touch alot. The most recent correspondence was saying he was having a wobble and saying he missed her...

he's said he thinks Im too good to be true he can't believe his luck etc.

To me, these two things are at odds.

If he thinks you're amazing and can't believe his luck, why's he been in contact to a fairly inappropriate level with his ex, gushing at her, signing off with lots of kisses and repeatedly getting back in touch with her even though you were uncomfortable with it (I think understandably) and he said he'd stop the contact.
On any of the occasions you found out he was in contact with her, after saying he wouldn't be, you could have ended the relationship. Yet he kept doing it and took that risk.

He claims him telling her he misses her was just as friends, I'd have my doubts.

He claimed he only had the "wobble" because you checked his phone. That's a convenient cover, throws things back nicely onto you. It's your fault he had the "wobble". I think he'd have been having it anyway.

She's quite far away, she told him she couldn't love anybody (that included him) she's seeing someone new .... He's kept in steady, "affectionate", gushy contact, he's kept getting back in contact even though it was making his new gf uncomfortable and he said he'd stop, he's telling her he misses her and he's telling her he's having/had a wobble in his new (ish) relationship......

Honestly, it sounds like he needed a much longer break between relationships and to properly get over (or not) the relationship with his ex before involving himself with another person. His behaviour is very unfair.

Anyway, to get back to my first point; when what's someone is saying (I can't believe my luck, you're too good to be true) is at odds with what they're doing (and what they're saying to another woman, I'd pay attention to that. It's worth keeping foremost in your mind when considering your investment etc.

Maybe you wait and see, maybe their contact/connection will fade away over time, as they get more long-term etc with new partners. But one things for sure, what they're both (particularly him, because she's not the one apparently telling him she misses him and that's she's having a wobble in her relationship) doing is deeply unfair to you and her partner.

I'd like to see how chilled and secure they'd feel if you and him were the ones acting like this "xxxxx, I hope I find someone as amazing as you ..... I miss you ..... I'm having a wobble in my new relationship" ... Yeah, im sure they'd be really chilled and happy if this was coming from either of you to an ex. Many a person would have exited stage left already.

Fwiw, if my ex told me they missed me and that they're having a wobble in their new relationship...I, rightly or wrongly, would think they were testing the waters/hinting/open to coming back ... I certainly wouldn't think they were settled & totally happy with their new gf.

Throw this one back. All this bullshit after a few months is ridiculous.

"he'd hope to meet someone as amazing as her."

This is your answer. You would be a fool to stay with that. He's also lied to you. You don't trust him. What kind of relationship is that?

@nextweekfriday if you (understandably) feel second best, I doubt that'll change now. Even if he never talks to her again, you'll never feel like his number one choice. 4 months in I'd be chucking this one back in the pond.

4 months in you shouldn't be wondering about his ex or him lying to you etc.

stop putting yourself through this.

*she'd had a terrible time prior to meeting him as an ex of hers was sentenced to 12yrs for terrible crimes that she was completely unaware of and it turned her world upside down and he was sentenced whilst they were together

she had also been with him when his mother died and they dated mostly during covid*

That's a lot of mutual support and bonding around traumatic events/experiences.

As I said, they sound quite enmeshed.

He started seeing you 6 months after that finished (though it sounds like they kept in contact quite a lot, since you saw lots of messages a month in to your involvement with him), which is not long really.

He didn't process it or recover from it or move on properly, he's kind of overlapped; it's really unfair on you.

I'd be considering my level of investment and commitment in this relationship, at the very least.

This must all be quite stressful and upsetting for you, ongoing. It's not a nice, straight forward, relaxing, chilled relationship for you. And that's entirely down to his behaviour.

Yeah if you are checking his phone and don’t trust him 4 months in ….

better to jump now
he’s still into her and has shit boundaries

I suppose my dilemma is that I've talked at length with him about this and he categorically denies that's there's anything to it that all he wants to do is move forward with his life and meet a normal girl like me with out the baggage he's had with his ex. that I'm the best thing that's happened to him in a long time and that he hasn't been in a proper loving relationship for so long that the relationship with his ex was a collision of sorts through covid. Also during the 4 months things with us have shifted as we've got to know each other and feelings between us have developed. When ever I try and pull back from the relationships he goes in to over drive. He already calls me a lot, texts, arranges dates and tells me such wonderful things that it's very hard to doubt his feelings when he's so emphatic! I think I've given him opportunity to end it when we've discussed it for him to say you know what you're right I still have feelings for her. But he offers such strong denials and then talks about how we're just at the start of an amazing chapter with us both thats it's difficult to doubt him. Some Friends have met him and say that he doesn't seem to be a player at all. I think if I did end it he'd take it really badly. The problem is I do really like him...

He’s not over her - you are a convenient fallback girl to try and help him get over her (and it’s not working ) …. He’s not that into you I’m afraid but someone is better than no one
it’s disrespectful to you and his ex’s new partner….. you deserve better … put him in the bin and move on

I've experienced similar (but worse). Ex-p was together with his ex-wife for nearly 40 years. (Me late 40s, he 10 years older).

He told me he was still in touch (all fine, no problem with that), but then I found out he was lying about how often they were in touch.

He'd invite her to his house when I wasn't there, but wouldn't tell me. Phone calls were secret. She had a key to his house (I never did) and would go over whilst we were on holiday to clean and even change the sheets (sheets we'd had sex on).

Both would regularly send hearts and kisses emojis, though he'd never send them to me (he didn't really do that type of thing).

The final straw was her sending him a message saying "I still love you" and him replying, "I love you more than you will ever know". Well, that plus the escorts he was contacting even though we had sex every morning and night for 5 days a week.....

Some men (and women for that matter) just can not be trusted.

Go with your gut.

I held out for 3 years. It's 3 years I'll never get back. I wish I'd never met the man.

I think you are looking for a loop hole that he is this great guy and the red flags are more beige. Even giving him a way of ending it, giving him control instead of having the confidence yourself to give him boundaries.

My now husband had a lot of 'friends' who were girls when I met him. He love bombed me a lot (and still does!) but his reason for having so many girl friends was because he blurred the boundaries, his ex was very emotionally abusive and so he got the emotional connection from his friends. His social media posts looked like he was a player! Some of these girls were genuine great friends and those friendships have remained strong to this day, but the ones who were emotional pit stops had to go. They were fine when he was single but it was a boundary I set. The day that I finally snapped was when he was being a night in shining for a coffee shop waitress (it was really cringe worthy on both sides), her grand mother was there saying what a cute couple they would be and why they haven't sorted it out yet- whilst I was standing there!

It took a long time to heal, he had to reestablish in his mind the role of a friend and the role of a girlfriend. And I made my boundaries clear. And now things are great!

He has blurred the lines of friendship and girlfriend. He seems like he has heavily invested and relied on her in the past and that was fine when he was single-but the over familiar emotional support he gets from her isn't appropriate. To me it felt like he would say anything to your face to make you stay but continue anyway with her in private.

Also he probably did the same love bombing I'll do anything for you including taking you on when you have a mafia ex. Etc.

You need to decide what you want to do. Give him boundaries, accept this or end it.

I also checked his phone, and continued to check until I felt confident. When I did I asked him to change his pin, i totally trust him. My phone is free for him whenever, not that I think he does- worst he would see is my mumsnet posts! But the trust now is there.

That's interesting! I like the work you've done with your husband in terms of setting boundaries.

I think with the guy I'm seeing the relationship has been convenient for me, I've toyed with ending it but then also thought the sex is very good and it partly suits me. I've also still been actively looking and have gone on some dates since I've been with him. I did also try and say that he could carry on being in touch but that things with him and I would need to be a lot more casual which he didn't seem to want...I could bring it up again and say has he desintangled himself but in some ways if I saw his phone again and he was still in touch then I know for sure that would be it...

He's always going to be in contact with her. They're not going to stop. They're very fond of each other..still.

The relationship should have ended when you felt the need to repeatedly check his phone, doubt him, and repeatedly questioned him.

You're never going to feel secure, and comfortable with him and the relationship. You're never going to trust him.

Perhaps therapy would be beneficial and help you discover and possibly fix why feel like you deserve this type of relationship... this type of deceitful disrespectful person. ...and why you don't respect yourself enough

Even if you ever meet her, you're the joke to the both of them.

You feel this is better than being single, working on yourself so that you can meet /date a man of substance??

If he is engaged in a non platonic relationship with someone else, she should just end it.

She shouldn't be issuing ultimatums and going through his phone after 4 months.

I didn't mean his behaviour was ok. It's not.

She ended it with him. If she called him tomorrow and said she'd made a mistake and wanted him back, what do you think he would do? Unless you're comfortable that his response would be emphatically no, then you know what you need to do. If all his gushing about how amazing you are is true, why can't he let her go? I wouldn't be happy with this. You don't want to start a relationship constantly looking over your shoulder.

Bloody hell you've been with him for 4 months !!! Controlling or what ????

It's been 4 months, you're trying to control who he is in contact with while you actively look and meet with other people!! Poor guy...do him a favour and stay out of his life.