What Would You Do?

[TornAndTired]

I'm in a long term difficult situation and wondered peoples opinions on how they may handle a similar situation.

I have a long term partner of 20+ years, unfortunately they have been ill for quite some time and I have been their carer for 10+ Years. I have no extra help and have a full time job bringing in the only wage and manage all physical and mental tasks in the household. I have pretty much no support and have brought up two children, who are now in their late teens and are well rounded and self sufficient. The care my partner requires differs from day to day as their condition fluctuates.

During this time I have had to leave my career as it did not fit with the situation, this had some long term negative financial downsides regarding the way the pension works with this profession. I was fortunate enough to land another good job off the back of my previous experience. I also have fulfilled a hobby which I enjoy over the past few years. I fear that both my hobby and job may not be viable going forward and I may need to find a new normal within the next year or two.

My partner has many limitations, but some tasks that would contribute to the household would definitely be within their capabilities at most times. Unfortunately no matter how many times I request that they could provide this support it is not carried out often and I have stopped asking and just muddle through. Being ill obviously has an effect on their mental health as well as the physical and I believe that this is the reason that they do not help. I do not think it is the lack of help that bothers me, more the lack of effort to assist and reduce my load.

Our relationship is getting to be more housemates and intimacy and sex is infrequent. At times I find this very difficult. Although I have, at times, considered cheating or finding a fwb, I have stayed faithful throughout.

Over the years this situation has had a profound effect on my mental and physical health. I struggle with my mental health daily and suffer from hypertension, I believe that both of these are as a result of long term stress.

I am by no means perfect in this situation. I often find that I am overwhelmed and cannot keep on top of all the tasks that are required and find that I prioritise the most important. I am often quite snappy and dismissive at times, which I am not proud of.

Lately I have been struggling more than usual. I am very unhappy and unfulfilled in my life. I stay and try my best to do the right thing because the illness is not my partners fault. If I felt like this and the illness was not a factor, I would have left a long time ago. I think my main issue is the lack of effort to improve this situation in areas that would be possible. A massive part of me wants to run away.

Do you think I am a bad person to feel this way? What would you do or suggest in a similar situation?

I really feel for you. If your partner isn't even trying to do something to lighten your load, then I'd be reconsidering the relationship, I'm afraid. I know that seems to go against "in sickness and in health" but you have had to take on everything and when they could help but don't, that just isn't fair.

You say the illness is not your partners fault...but it's not yours either.

As admirable as it is to have stayed, a marriage requires mutual effort. What little this person could give, they don't want to.

And staying with someone you don't love...is not kindness. Not to you or to them.

You are not a caretaker, you are a spouse. Taking care of someone you don't love, is the job of a care professional who is paid. Not a partner.

Your kids are old enough now that they'll likely be fine if you separate. They know your partner is taking the piss. And they know you are letting them. I'd be very careful of the message this sends. That we should ignore our own needs and allow someone to consistently treat us with disrespect.

I'd be saying 'I've done enough. It's time to look after my own needs'. It's not selfish to walk away from someone who takes the piss out of your compassion.

I'm not without sympathy for either party. But I don't support you choosing to be a martyr for someone you don't love and who doesn't love you. Life is too short.

Thanks, this is giving me a lot to think about.

My boyfriend has chronic back pain and depression. He's been out of work 2 months now. He's always in and out of jobs and it has financially crippled me at times. He is awful with money. Moody. On various tablets. Lost interest in aex with me. I do all the visiting. Running about. Shopping and paying. He cooks me dinner and is hit and miss with support and caring for me.

The relationship feels one sided. Out of balance and frustrating. I've recently discovered signs hes looking online for attention outside the relationship. He may have even cheated!!

I am sick of his problems controlling my life.

You have every right to live for yourself now. I have just got a new job. I'm trying to find somewhere new to rent. I'm trying to plan ahead without him as sadly I don't see him in my long term.future.

You deserve to matter for a change x

Sounds like a similar situation and I empathise with how hard it can be. Hope it works out well for you.

I find that I do not have anyone who I can talk to about this as they all just give polite answers or that they would be a saint and be totally selfless.

You've been together 20 years. It's time for a big heart to heart where you are both completely honest and up front with each other. No holds barred. Do it when you are both calm with no interruptions from the kids.

It's no way to live for either of you. Some big changes are needed regardless of whether you stay together.

You’ve been together for over 20 years and have helped your partner throughout and from the sounds of things you’ve put them and the kids before your own needs for the entire time.

You have your own needs too, enough is enough and your partner needs to realise this and if they’re able to, they should be pulling their weight and helping you where they can.

Think partners sometimes under estimate how much a little can go a long way; even if it’s just chores around the house. Do you ever get a break; a few days here and there where someone else could help you out?

The lack of intimacy won’t help things either, sex can bring you closer together but at moment sounds like the lack of it could be driving you apart?

Yes you can use toys but it’s not the same as being with your partner

If I felt like this and the illness was not a factor, I would have left a long time ago. I think my main issue is the lack of effort to improve this situation in areas that would be possible. A massive part of me wants to run away

Do run. You have but one life. Your partner's issues may be overwhelming but they don't seem to care for you enough to deserve your sacrifice.

My boyfriend has chronic back pain and depression. He's been out of work 2 months now. He's always in and out of jobs and it has financially crippled me at times. He is awful with money. Moody....

Ditto.

NB: 'Wome Who Love Too Much' might be a good read, it's a classic for a reason.

Thanks for the reply.

I sometimes spend time away with work. When away my youngest (16) helps to make it work. This cannot be a long term solution and i will not burden a 16yo with this responsibility.

It sounds selfish, but yes the lack of sex thing is difficult. Like I said I have considered attempting to meet these needs elsewhere, but this doesn't seem like it would be the right thing to do.

So conflicted. I definitively put the needs of others before my own. But should I put my needs first I'm going to look like the one in the wrong and life is hard enough.

You’re struggling and everyone needs support, no shame in admitting that. You’ve done so well to handle all of this on your own for as long as you have.

I agree it’s not fair for your 16 year old to take over the care when you’re not around, they can help when you are there but your partner should be helping both of you anyway, if they’re able to of course which it seems they are from what you’ve said.

When you say elsewhere, do you mean you’ve considered an affair or just using toys to I guess at least help with your needs?

Maybe time to have a chat with your partner about all of this and they need to help you more, around the house, in and out the bedroom but you can’t carry on as you are.

You aren’t wrong to consider your own needs, if everyone can see that you’ve tried to turn things around then you can say you’ve tried but hard if partner won’t do the same.

16yo only takes over when i have to work elsewhere, patner seems to do more in this situation from my pov.

Yes I have considered an affair. Not proud of this, I'm only human.

At least your partner helps when you aren’t there but that shows that they CAN help. They choose to help but less so when you’re there, should question them as to why they don’t help YOU. Just because you’ve coped in the past doesn’t mean you can continue to do so.

Sorry to ask but has sex life between you been like this for a long time or more of a recent issue. Is your partner not at all bothered by sex or have you tried to initiate things and just been rejected by them?

I don’t agree with having an affair but can see why you’d feel that way if it has been a long time, you have needs. You want to be made to feel sexy and desired.

I'd say the sex life thing is up and down, mostly down. Not always OH fault, but lack of effort also goes with appearance in this department if that makes sense. If sex happens it as if I should be grateful and all is well.

Can give advice as to what I’d do if in your situation but of course everyone is different and will offer different advice.

Pm me if you would like anyway

I would leave. I couldn't sacrifice my own life for someone who wasn't my child, however much I loved them at the start or even if they tried to do as much as they could. But some would call me selfish. Do you think they would have cared for you if things had been the other way around?

I think that being called selfish is what I am afraid of. I have sacrificed a lot for the good of my family but will be seen as a bad person for putting myself first

I don't think anyone has the right to think you selfish considering you've stayed with this person so many years. Most people would just think you were at your breaking point surely? And that no one is perfect. That you stayed and raised 2 kids as well as looking after them and now it's time to go.

If anyone acts judgey then ask them who are they to judge you, because you'd bet your backside they wouldn't have stayed 15 years like you have. Tell them they're welcome to take over for you if they'd like and if not they can shut the up and mind their own darn business.

Also, even if you split, you could still visit your ex and help out sometimes if you wanted. There's nothing to say divorce means completely vanishing on them. They could remain a friend. I think most people would respect that.

Update.

We had a big chat and partner recognises that things need to change. We agreed that they would come up with a list of things that they can contribute and these things would become their responsibility moving forward.

Been a few days now but still no list. It's like the conversation didn't even happen.

Not the first time we have had the same conversation with no action. Patience is wearing thinner and thinner.

Ultimatum time, OP. You've had the discussion on what's fair and reasonable, and now you have to lay down your bottom line rules of what you expect. Give them one month to change their behaviour, making it absolutely clear you are ready to leave the marriage if they don't step up. Good luck.

Sounds good in theory, but I'm afraid that my kids will just step into my role. A situation that I will not let happen.

How do you mean, @TornAndTired ?

As stated above, when I have to spend time away from home with work my 16yo steps up and runs everything.

I only do this when it cannot be avoided, but if I left this would be permanent for them.

I will not pass this burden onto them for the good of my own wellbeing.

Sounds a bit catch 22 unfortunately. If I put my needs first it is by making others situations worse

First of all, you said when you go away, your partner steps up, so it's not a foregone conclusion that your 16-year-old will do everything. Could you not consider taking them with you, perhaps getting somewhere to live nearby?

Secondly, in few couple of years your child will be an adult, and may well leave home. Either way, they will not need your protection or concern in the same way, so it isn't anything like a 'permanent' situation.

In your shoes, I would probably tell my partner that if they don't step up, the marriage is effectively over, and that as soon as your children are fully fledged and have left home, you will be leaving too. Unless you want to martyr yourself to this situation forever.