Separation advice

[Caramelrose]

Just wondered if anyone had any advice.

Am going to be separating from my DH. 20 years plus of marriage and two teenagers. We have grown apart and DH basically seems to have withdrawn emotionally over the last few years and has ongoing depression which has taken its toll on both of us. It's so sad but I can't see any other way forward (have tried everything, been to counselling etc).

I am the one who is pushing for this, DH would have been content to live basically as strangers in the same house ongoing, for the sake of the dc and finances. We have had a few conversations about everything recently and I have said to him that I would like to separate. He is very upset but I am hoping we can remain amicable.

I was thinking we could sell the family home and each buy a small flat/ house in the town we live in. However DH really doesn't want to do this, as we would only be able to afford somewhere that he classes a "rough" estate, where he says there could potentially be drugs and noise, and he doesn't want the dc to have to deal with that. So he is suggesting that he moves out into a flat. He thinks that in around 6 years time when the dc will hopefully be more independent, we can sell the family home.

I appreciate that he's doing this in the dc's best interests, but I'm a bit apprehensive. I guess I would like to have a clean split from him, but this way I won't be able to, we will still be tied together financially as I won't be able to afford the mortgage or upkeep of the family home on my own.

Also, I'm not sure what would happen re him seeing the dc - he was saying that he would still want to do things like come round and cook the Sunday dinner, see them after school and at bedtime. I guess as this is the family home, I would feel like I can't really impose boundaries or restrictions on when he comes round, especially as he will only be in probably a one bedroom flat, so I doubt the dc would be able to stay there. Also as he is upset about separating and really doesn't want to, I do feel guilty, and don't want to make things worse for him.

I know in a way I'm probably lucky to be in this situation, it could be a lot worse, he is a devoted dad. I just want to find a way forward where the dc are affected as little as possible, I can have space and autonomy, but also be fair to him.

If anyone has any advice it would be gratefully received!

I completely understand you want to try and make things easier for him but I think this arrangement wouldn’t be a good idea for anyone. It may take a bit of time to sort the house out but him coming round to cook Sunday dinner and basically come and go on a regular basis will hold you both back from accepting the split and moving on with your own lives. It will cause resentment and eventually falling out which is what you’re trying to avoid.

When I split with my husband (we didn’t have kids) I did feel bad and would pop round for a coffee once a week and we even went to the cinema as friends a few times in the first couple of months after splitting. After a while we both just gradually phased out the contact and although we’re still on friendly terms we don’t see or speak socially anymore and that’s for the best. There’s nothing wrong with having a bit of a transition period but you need to have a plan going forward and firm boundaries that he won’t be popping round and just acting like nothing has happened. That’s what he’s trying to do now so if you were to allow that after splitting you may as well not bother and keep things as they are.

He needs to move out and you both navigate moving on and living your own lives. It takes a bit of time and communication but it is possible to do it amicably. I do also think you should sell the house and both set up in your own new homes if at all possible. It’s not for him to decide where you live once you’ve split.

@Specso that's that's what I'm worried about, if he just pops round all the time I think we will both find it hard to move on, and it might actually be more confusing for the dc.

I have heard that it's better for the dc to stay in the family home if possible, so that's definitely a big factor in all this (although as I said, for me personally I think a definite split and two separate homes would be easier in other ways).

I'm just feeling so guilty at the moment as he seems so sad about everything, but I know in my heart it's the right decision 😔

It really is so hard and while you’re at this stage it’s just so difficult and draining but I promise it does get better.

If there’s a way to stay in the house and him move somewhere else then even better but as long as he realises that it’s not ok to come and go as he pleases. He needs to have the kids at his place not come to your house to see them. You need to have separate homes so everyone knows where they are and the children understand the separation and how things will work. How would you ever move on and potentially have another relationship one day if he’s coming and going as if it’s still his place. Obviously that’s further in the future but it’s really important to have boundaries and stick to them even if he isn’t happy about it.

There’s nothing wrong with him sometimes coming round for a specific reason like one of the kids birthdays or something and you can try to make the transition as sensitively as possible but he does need to get used to being split up and living apart so he can accept it fully. If the lines are blurred and he feels like he’s half in and half out it will be very difficult for anyone to move on.

I agree with the posters above.
I'm a couples counselor and I've worked with a few of my couples through separations and divorce.
Most of them come up with in idea like this at some point, most often the partner who didn't want or ask for the separation to begin with. Wheter it's this or birdnesting (where you both have another small residence and switch between time alone and time in the house with the kids), or this, it's usually a bad idea.

I agree it could be helpful to him as a temporary measure, to help him gradually adapt to the situation. However, I don't think your soon-to-be-ex will see this as something temporary. When you do eventually start putting up some boundaries (let's say you start a new relationship. Do you want your ex to walk into your home whenever they like? How would your new partner feel about that?), it will be even harder for your ex to accept these new rules. It may even lead to your children turning against you.
It's harder now, but a clean break is best and most clear for everyone.

@Specso @Hbosh Thank you both for your thoughts.

Yes, I think boundaries are going to be essential so that we can all move on.

I'm finding this all so hard - DH today was sobbing and saying he really didn't want to move out into a flat. He isn't working at the moment (due to his mental health), and seems to have lost most of his friends over the years. The dc are really the only people he seems to be interacting with at the moment. I felt so bad about it, imagining him sitting in a flat by himself all day, that I suggested I could move out instead. But then we'd still have the problem of me coming back to the family home, how would that work?

So maybe the only solution is two separate places, even though dh doesn't want that and the houses will be much less nice/smaller and in a worse area than our family home. The dc would have to shuttle between two houses. Its so bloody difficult! Maybe dh and I need to speak to a counsellor who can help up come to a decision that would work...

What about "nesting" where you alternate living in the flat instead? So he comes home for so many days or a week, you go to the flat, and vice versa, while the kids stay put.

Obviously it would require co-operation and boundaries too, but you'd each have the family life and the independence.

@category12 thanks, yes I've heard about this, it definitely could be an option. I've heard it only seems to work short term though, as I think you wouldn't really be able to settle down and move forward if you don't have a space that's just for you. But it's definitely a consideration, maybe it would be good as a transition for us all.

Just another thought I had - if dc are going between two houses (say shared custody of 50/50) - where do they say their "home" is? If someone asks them where do they live, do they say two places? I'm worried that would be unsettling for them, not having just one base to call their home - does anyone have experience of this?