Moving in together

[Molly2008]

Partner & I been together for 2.5 years and known each other for 7. I am at the point where I want to plan moving in together and he is reluctant.

I have 2 children 15 & 11 so it is hard for me to move in with him due to schools & support network.

He lives alone, no kids mostly WFH. It's about 40mins between our 2 houses.

I proposed he move in with me for a year or so and see if everybody is happy before we then look to buy somewhere together.

He says he does not want to live in my house and is not suggesting any alternatives... is this the end? Should I walk away because he clearly doesn't want to take the next step.

I should say kids like him, happy for him to move in and trial period is necessary to make sure everyone gets along before doing anything more permanent.

Why do you want to live with him? Would you marry him? Because usually people live together as a kind of "trial marriage" before the real marriage if that makes sense. The other reason people live together is because they struggle financially to run a house on one wage.

I guess I'm just trying to work out what the reason is for wanting to live with him.

Personally I wouldn’t move any man/woman in with kids that age they need consistency for the last bit of their schooling.

It’s a concern if he isn’t offering alternatives- does he just want to stay dating?

He says he does not want to live in my house and is not suggesting any alternatives

Is it the case that he absolutely does not want to live with a teen and a pre-teen?

I can’t imagine any man would want to leave his quiet home to live with an 11 year old and 15 year old 😂😂 The idea of this actually makes me laugh.

Surely you aren’t too surprised OP?

Perhaps broach the subject again when the kids have moved out.

Why would you want a reluctant man to move in with you and your children? Unless he is fully onboard and enthusiastic, it's a recipe for disaster.

He does not want to live with you. You're going to have to accept it or move on.

I wouldn't fancy moving in with someone else's 11 and 15 year old either so I don't blame him. Maybe he's very happy in his relationship with you as it is. How would it feel to leave things as they are? He gets his space, gets to keep his home, and the kids don't have their home lives disrupted either

I wouldn't fancy moving in with someone else's kids either. Sounds like he's happy with the relationship as it is now. Would you not want it to continue if you're not going to move in together?

My Mum and Stepdad didn't move in together even after they got married. He still had teenage kids, and she wasn't really keen on taking on the StepMum mantle. (Don't get me wrong, she adored the kids, but my and my brother were in our 30s at this point, and she couldn't be arsed with doing that again)

They kept their own houses until the day she died, but were very happy together.

Thanks for the replies they are very helpful. And I do 100% see why he doesn't want to.

I think my main motivation is that we don't get to send enough time together as we don't see each other during the week.

Maybe that should be the alternative he commits to staying over mid week for a night or 2??

I think that would help and maybe it would be enough. In answer to earlier questions not a matter of financial support more partnership & yes marriage eventually.

Why not move in / live with your partner 🤷🏻‍♀️?

He doesn't want to do it, OP.

Would you be worse off financially if you lived together? I'm still in shock after a recent poster let her boyfriend live with her and rent out his own place, keeping all the rent to himself, while she lost £500 in benefits.

How much time would you spend together though if he came over midweek? And is he able to WFH at your house if the children are home?

If you have both already discussed marriage and he’s on the same page as you I do find it off that he doesn’t want to take the next step? I know I joked about you waiting until the children have moved out before suggesting to him that he moved in, but what is he actually imagining happening? He must know that he’s going to have to move in with you all at some point if marriage is in your future? Unless he really does envisage the next step only taking place when the children have left the home?

Make sure you’re not with one of those men who say they want marriage but they keep saying it’s never the right time, or they aren’t ready yet, or they want it at some point but they aren’t sure when…..or any of the many other excuses men find to put off doing something that they actually have no intention of doing - including moving in together.

It would bring extra work and cost more money, in my case. Also, I think it's healthier to live apart and have dates, it stop you taking each other for granted.

And as an add-on, if he does come 2-3 nights a week and sees the reality of a home life with teenagers you may find he quickly scarpers when/if he realises it isn’t something he wants and then ends the relationship.

So just be mindful it doesn’t backfire on you if you try to coerce him (for want of a better word) into doing something he doesn’t want to do.

Yes we would both WFH kids are at school all day and we have a separate office so that's not the issue.

I suspect you're right and he is one of those guys 49 no kids, never been married.

Maybe I'm right to call him out on it? That's the question am I being unreasonable..

On the one hand I get it no one likes living with teenagers but on the other hand I also don't want to wait until they leave home which given the current economic climate may be never!

I suspect you're right and he is one of those guys 49 no kids, never been married.

Trust your instincts OP.

A man like this is not going to want to give up his own home, his space, his independence and freedom in order to get married and live with teenagers.

My dp moved in with me and my teenagers recently. We have been together 4 years.

We had an outside office built where he works and does his hobbies so he has his own space away from the teenagers (15 and 17) and they also have time with me. It is working well, but he wanted to move in with us...in fact he was more ready than I was but the current financial climate pushed things a bit quicker.

If he doesn't want to live with teenagers that's understandable but then maybe he shouldn't date women with children, unless they have left home.

This is Mumsnet @Molly2008 and the majority of people are going to be negative about moving in with a partner.
I put a post up a while ago and almost unanimously I was told not to move in.
In my case my partner does have kids so situation not same as yours. My partner is concerned about moving into my house because he moved in with a girlfriend years ago - and he said there he always felt he was a lodger in someone else's house.
Maybe your partner has a similar reason to be reluctant. I definitely agree that living all together before you buy together is a good idea. Thats when we plan to do - but with teenagers I have no idea what our timeline is going to look like. Like you say with current economic climate they could be 30+ before they move out. Who wants to wait until then!! I'd be an old lady at that point and i wanna enjoy living together as an active couple. not to mention the extra disposable income sharing expenses would bring.

I dont have an answer but it sees like a common discussion.

You can only speak openly with your BF - find out what his real feelings are. See if you can manage to spend more time together in the week somehow or longer weekends.
Good Luck

It's good to ear a positive story about moving in with a partner on here!
Good to hear you've been able to make it work.

Honestly it's probably the worst possible age for your DC to have their mother's DP moving into their home. I can't imagine any 49 year old adult (childfree) choosing to share a home with two teenagers .
I think he's being very sensible, why can't you carry on dating? So many threads on here where women are clearly fed up with living with a man but would be much happier 'dating'.

Thanks. I'm not saying we have it perfected and there will always be teething problems in situations like this but I spoke to my dc first and said that me and dp would like him to move in with us so that we can spend more time together and to help with costs but that it wouldn't happen unless they were both happy with it, which they were.

We had both got used to our own space though so him moving into our home as it was wasn't really going to work, hence the garden office.

He is a good support to me but doesn't try and parent my dc.

It sounds like he's not interested in taking this relationship to the next level. I mean, I can understand that he doesn't want to become a father figure to the children (which, you are basically asking him to do if he moves in) or to have that in his life. perhaps he enjoys a lot of alone time.

The question for you becomes are you able to accept this? is there a compromise? Eg, as the kids do know him it wouldn't be that big a deal for him to come over mid week sometimes. In fact, as the DC get a bit older, conceivably he could come over but you could go out for dinner or a movie or a show or a gig or whatever it is you enjoy doing together and leave them at home of an evening.

Currently, when and where do you see him?

If you want a more serious commitment, he is not the man for you, carry on as you are or accept he won't want to live with you, he's got to the age of 49 without family life, so he just isn't that way inclined.