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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Narcissistic Mother

7 replies

DenimDrifting · 23/11/2023 11:27

My mother is a narcissist. You'd never guess for a moment what a nasty piece of work she is. Volunteers for the National Trust , a member of WI, wears white stuff: you get the picture.
My daughter now lives with her refuses to communicate with me, she's just 17 and I'm utterly heartbroken.

OP posts:
DenimDrifting · 23/11/2023 13:49

Just wondering if anyone here has had a similar experience? I miss my daughter and I'm beginning to think well never have a mother and daughter relationship again.

OP posts:
DenimDrifting · 24/11/2023 12:16

Bump. I need my dd home and safe away from her toxic shite.i endured it fot 19 years.

OP posts:
Andthereyougo · 24/11/2023 12:41

What is she offering your daughter? What made her move in with your mother?
it’s only since being on MN I’ve realised my mother ( long dead) was an A1 narcissist.

DancesWithDucks · 24/11/2023 14:15

I am so sorry to read this. So heartbreaking.

At 17 it's going to be incredibly difficult to pry your daughter out of your malevolent mother's hands, since she's managed to get her on her side.

Do you know how she's managed it? Has she indulged her and made out that you're a nasty person who doesn't care about her own daughter? Turning you into a black demon from hell? Has she just bribed her?

I know that occasionally people have managed to get their children back, usually after some time when the children themselves see that 'darling grandma' isn't so darling after all. But it's not easy and it doesn't, Im afraid, always work.

I think that you can only send your daughter the message that things aren't always what they seem, that you love her and that you hope she will be willing to talk. And then give it time.

Would your mother destory / steal any presents you send her? It might be an idea to say that her xmas presents are here, at your own house, for her to collect.

I mean this very gently, but sometimes people who have been brought up by a malicious person make mistakes in their own parenting. They mean nothing but the best, but with such a terrible example they don't have a good role model. Again gently, it might a good idea to think about your own parenting from the point of view "could you give her steady love, time, loving and fair boundaries". If you have fallen significantly short in some areas, then it's worth acknowedging that to yourself and perhaps, when the time is right, to her but saying that you always loved her and wanted the best for her.

Therapy is probably a really good idea. The level of pain your mother has inflicted on you as a child and now as an adult has to be huge. A skilled therapist can help you understand some of that damage and heal from it.

I hope that things improve for you and your daughter @DenimDrifting Some people like your mother should be kept far away from children.

ShellBell33 · 30/10/2024 01:02

awful to do that to you Very spiteful Is there anyone your mom will listen to in her life ? Someone needs to tell her straight My mother would listen to my dad when he was alive

BlastedPimples · 30/10/2024 09:23

Why is your dd with your mother?

Serendipidee · 30/10/2024 12:40

My mother tried to do this to my son. She totally love bombed him and would try to poison him with stories about me as well as have a weird competitivething going on regarding motherhood (as well as everything else). Thank God he is just too disinterested really to get involved with her and presents and money don't sway him. It could easily have happened especially when he was younger.

It must be totally heartbreaking for you OP especially when you have grown up in an environment perhaps as I did, without love.

All I can say is, if it helps, is be patient. The mask will slip at some point and your daughter will realise/grow up. Don't let her (mum) trigger you to react to any of it and it will slip sooner. Work on inner strength techniques via exercise and meditation perhaps as well. Therapy really helps too. Hugs xx

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