I'm scared that I'm being manipulated

[LoneWolf25]

I am 25 male, {85kgs, 168 cms tall- will need for this message} a medical resident from India, I had a huge crush on this guy who is 26 M, who is also a resident from another branch, we both used to be closeted. Now I am open to my mom and close friends, however I don't disclose my orientation to others unless asked. This guy plans on being closeted and to get married and lead the path most chosen. However when we dated (i guess i can call that dating eventhough we werent physical) he used to body shame me and asked me to lose weight if I wanted a physical relationship coz he is only into fit guys. At max, we used to hold hands, since we were closeted, no hugs or anything. I tried my best to become fit, but he became very rude at some point and we broke up, i tried to apologize, ghosted, blocked, fast forward 5 months later, he calls me up, we meet, he apologizes, i have suppressed those feelings for him, however i deeply care about him and i adore him inspite of him expressing so many red flags. we meet casually for few days , (with friends, never alone). I found him different, suspected he has gotten into a relationship from the way he talked. Decided to ask him, but the same night he asked whether the 4 of us (me my friend, he his friend - all guys) could have dinner together. He also wanted to talk alone to me. I went to his place, he told he wants to go shopping and starts buying gift wrappers and gifts for someone, i guessed it was for his current partner (not knowing if its a guy or a girl). However we came home, and started cooking , the 2 of us, the remaining 2 friends would be joining us after sometime. He told me that has been in a casual relationship with a girl for the past 4 months, it is nothing serious and nothing is going to come out of it in future because of the family differences, status etc. I was very upset not because he told me this, but because he took me shopping for buying these things for her birthday the next day and asked me suggestions for it.. I told him that it is very offending and rude to do something like this. I told him "Hey (his name) I am happy that u have found someone who makes you happy, I am a bit sad that I am not the person whos able to make u happy by being with u, but anyways i am happy to see u happy! but that no way makes it right for how u decided to tell that to me, u just made the person who loved u so much, go shopping with u to buy things for her birthday, do u even consider that i have feelings and that i might get hurt because of this. What is wrong with you". all this while i was cooking. he was holding my hand and he looking at me with puppy eyes even when he was telling abt his relationship he suddenly switched off the lights hugged me and kissed me on my neck and in between my lips and cheek, 3 kisses. he hugged me and asked me not to be upset. he said its just a casual relationship, nothing serious and not physical yet and he wants me to be with him too. The guy who was scared to even hold hands with me, kissed me. I was obviously overwhelmed. I started trembling. I said i dont want to be here. it is very guilty for me since there is another girl involved, i dont want to be a 3rd wheel and a home wrecker.. he said it is not like that. "i want you to be with me, after 2 years i know i am going to marry a girl and settle in life, but i want u to be with me for the 2 years as my FRIEND" he said his relationship with this girl will last only for a few months till she moves away for studies and because their family status is different . I told him " please let me go, i am very happy that u are finally brave enough to be in a relationship with someone, u have feelings for her and u should not do this with me" he said" there is no such feelings, we both know that, we are kinda friends but i want it to be a casual relationship so that i can show the world that i am capable of landing a girlfriend". then he hugged me again and said "I'm urs . Take me. " - thats actually a cliche dialogue in our language.. anyways i was melting and hurting at the same time. he also said he wants to come over to my place and stay with me for a few days and winked at me. I felt disgusted and happy at the same time (PLEASE DONT JUDGE ME).
Anyways then our friends came, we ate and left, he called me at late night and wanted me to comeover for tea, we drank tea. listened somesongs. talked abt studies, and when i was abt to leave he kissed me on my forehead, he said lets keep it like this for now.. i dont know what that means..

MY QUESTIONS:

1. I haven't been with any guy yet, i have been with a girl, i liked it but i find myself attracted to guys more often than girls, so i want to explore my sexuality, but i dont know whether this is the way to do it. I have immense suppressed feelings for him., i care abt him alot, it makes me jealous im not the one with him now. I dont know what i should do now!

2. Is he manipulating me. [i am asking thing because he himself has said a lot of times that he plans and does everything so that he comes out as a good guy] also I'm one of the very few people who knows hes into guys. is he doing this to me so that i dont rat him out to his girlfriend or to others. We broke up 5 months ago. He is been with this girl for 4 months now. he apologized to me a month back and now he is telling he wants something with me too.. (i really cant understand what he wants, i can still feel his kiss and how it excited me, so i am not going to lie, I am into him alot). Is he doing all this, so that he can keep me at bay with these occassional kisses and sweettalks ( i am still the same weight, i went into binge eating after the breakup and quit selfcare- sorry) so that i won't become an obstacle to his actual romantic life (which he says doesnt exist- although i refuse to believe)

3. What should i do. PLEASE give some help!

Quite a wall of text so sorry if I've missed anything.

I don't know if he's manipulating you. He's been quite clear about his intentions. But he is enjoying flirting with you and that's messing with your head.

He thinks that's OK because he's told you he plans to marry a woman because he assumes you're on board and know the score.

You say you can see the red flags. He's not going to change his mind. It is messing with you're head and this isn't a positive interaction for you. Even if you do spend time together and progress to having sex with him, he's not going to be what you need or who you want so you'd just be setting yourself up for a whole load of hurt.

Decide you're worth more than that. Get angry that he is prepared to use you for an ego boost, validation, sex and completely disregard your feelings and then have nothing more to do with him. You do think you're worth more than that, don't you?

Trying to be gentle, but for someone of your age and eduction level you aren’t being smart. It doesn’t matter why he is behaving this way- there is a phrase ‘if someone tells you who they are, believe them’. He has said he isn’t going to be with you long term and wants a different life, so he’s just using you for fun for now. If you were ok with that it would be fine, but you clearly aren’t and it’s hurting you.

Cut him out of your life, no drama, no trying to convince him or telling him how much he’s hurt you and you like him, all that does is give him more power over you. Cut contact and go on with your life.

edited for typos

“I don't know if he's manipulating you. He's been quite clear about his intentions. But he is enjoying flirting with you and that's messing with your head.

He thinks that's OK because he's told you he plans to marry a woman because he assumes you're on board and know the score.

You say you can see the red flags. He's not going to change his mind. It is messing with your head and this isn't a positive interaction for you. Even if you do spend time together and progress to having sex with him, he's not going to be what you need or who you want so you'd just be setting yourself up for a whole load of hurt.”

This. This guy is a headfuck. The situation may be complicated by the fact that he’s not comfortable with his sexuality but the main point is that he’s not on the same page as you and will likely continue to blow hot and cold. Most of us - including those of us who are heterosexual - have had the experience of caring for someone much more than they care for us. It hurts but in the end you need to walk away because they cannot give you what you need.

I’m not sure whether you’re in India now or in the UK but certainly if you’re in the UK, particularly if you’re in one of the bigger cities, you should find there is a thriving gay scene with men who are much more comfortable about their sexuality and not dating women to disguise it.

This is not a healthy relationship for you. I would definitely encourage you to explore your sexuality, but this isn't the guy to do it with. It might feel good now to get some attention from him, but in the long run it's going to shatter your self esteem, which will in turn affect all your future relationships.

He's messing with your head for an ego boost, and being disloyal both to you and his girlfriend. He's not a good guy.

So he plans to lie to some woman and trick her into marrying him and no doubt giving him children. All the while knowing he is gay. I don't know if he is manipulating you but he happy to destroy someone's life, including his own children's, with his selfish lies. So that tells you everything you need to know about him, he is a scumbag.