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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm disappointed in him

48 replies

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 22/11/2023 22:47

It's my first time posting so try be kind, please.

I have been seeing a man and I am feeling disappointed by his actions, as I consider them selfish but I want to see what others think too. My friends have quite biased opinions.

He told me he would be having a very difficult work week and I have sent texts saying I'm thinking of him etc. I knew we wouldn't be seeing each other this week and I know he is stressed BUT I have a family member who is ill and having surgery today. I saw him Sunday, told him I was dreading this week and also made sure I was very supportive of his stress levels too.

Today I texted this morning to say 'I hope your week is going well and you're not too stressed' and he replied 'I'm ok, don't worry. Hope you're ok too'. I sent him a message saying I was fine and trying to fill him in on what's happening but he hasn't replied. We normally message all the time but it's like when I need him he goes blank (this happened before too). Instead of concentrating on what's happening in my family I find I'm checking my phone every minute looking for his support. I've been there for him through many things and I expect the same.

I know if I say anything, he will just say how busy he is but I really want to just scream or block!

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 23/11/2023 00:40

ymemanresu · 23/11/2023 00:38

He's not that into you, sorry 😞

Yep.

You are a friend with benefits.

move on

RantyAnty · 23/11/2023 00:43

Let me guess. He sees you at his convenience for sex or whatever, and then he can't be bothered the rest of the time

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 23/11/2023 10:19

He texted me today to say 'sorry I had a crazy day yesterday so wasn't too chatty'. I think for me if someone needed me I would find it in myself to push through and chat

OP posts:
Sundaycoffee · 23/11/2023 10:57

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 23/11/2023 10:19

He texted me today to say 'sorry I had a crazy day yesterday so wasn't too chatty'. I think for me if someone needed me I would find it in myself to push through and chat

How does he react if you express your disappointment in this?

Pumpkinpie1 · 23/11/2023 11:42

I think you are both at different stages in your life and wanting different things out of this relationship.
He doesn’t have the time or energy to be the kind of partner you want OP. So lower your expectations or find someone who is ready

porridgeisbae · 23/11/2023 11:55

Being less supportive when you could most benefit from his support is a really bad trait in a partner @ChimneySweepLiverpool . This isn't what you want from a future spouse/partner. Please block.

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 23/11/2023 12:34

Sundaycoffee · 23/11/2023 10:57

How does he react if you express your disappointment in this?

He will often act as though I am overreacting. He will say something such as 'you knew I was having a busy week so you're being unfair'. I think he's emotionally unavailable or at least he is when he is busy.

OP posts:
porridgeisbae · 23/11/2023 12:53

I had one like this who would be less available when needed. He didn't like/resented any requirement to be supportive. What a tosspot.

Sundaycoffee · 23/11/2023 13:41

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 23/11/2023 12:34

He will often act as though I am overreacting. He will say something such as 'you knew I was having a busy week so you're being unfair'. I think he's emotionally unavailable or at least he is when he is busy.

Everybody is busy. We all have jobs, friends, a LIFE. If something is important to him he will prioritise it. I'll let you read between the lines there....
Particularly if this is an ongoing situation, no one is that busy that they don't have 30 seconds in their day to send a text or pick up the phone after work for a quick chat and ask how you're doing. He's also gaslighting you if he's telling you that you are overreacting. Your thoughts and feelings are valid, no matter how he sees them.

category12 · 23/11/2023 14:43

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 23/11/2023 12:34

He will often act as though I am overreacting. He will say something such as 'you knew I was having a busy week so you're being unfair'. I think he's emotionally unavailable or at least he is when he is busy.

As pps have said, we're all busy. We make time for people we care about. Especially when they're going through something.

He's clearly "too busy" to have a girlfriend.

Don't do yourself down by going along with being low priority.

Burntouted · 23/11/2023 15:15

He has given you his support and what he's capable of giving at this current time.

He is not a qualified therapist. Perhaps he is going through issues and tribulations of his own, and is trying to take care of and protect his own mental health and well being. Also, you don't know how and what's effecting his psyche.

No one likes to be trauma dumped on.
You are probably negatively effecting his mental health and well being. Respectfully, he doesn't want to hear about this often, especially if he really cares and he knows there isn't anything he can do to ease or make everything better.

He could be feeling unappreciated and disrespected as well too.

You don't appreciate the support that he's been giving you. You have minimized and devalued the support that he's been giving you because you have a higher expectation and standard of him then he can meet.
You have an unrealistic expectation that he can be there for you 24/7...that his life should be centered and focused around yours, that he should feel depressed and perhaps spiral into depression with you, because you feel these ways.

He isn't pretending that these things aren't occurring in your life.

He has taken the time to spend time with you.. he has taken the time to keep in touch and communicate with you fairly often, he has let you vent to him constantly, he has wished you well, etc....

These things are showing support. His support is not enough for you.

He can't be your only/ primary outlet.

If you don't feel that he is the partner that you need. End things.

Respectfully, perhaps therapy, hobbies, friends, other outlets in life would be beneficial for you. It's unhealthy to center your life currently on him, his lack of response, checking your phone constantly, etc...

Perhaps he is busy, overwhelmed, needing space, and trying to protect and manage his overall well being.

Space is needed. Respectfully, find a qualified therapist.

I wish all involved well being, peace, and prosperity.

category12 · 23/11/2023 16:27

@Burntouted I don't think op is asking for therapy sessions with him 🙄, she just wants him to show an interest and ask after her. In the same way as she does for him.

porridgeisbae · 23/11/2023 19:53

He has given you his support and what he's capable of giving at this current time.

We don't know that, he could just be a fairweather friend/partner. Some men are.

HeathrowQuestion · 23/11/2023 22:17

How are you feeling today op?

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 23/11/2023 22:48

Nothing new to report. I had heard of stressful situation in his work so I messaged to check he was ok and we chatted about one or two day to day bits but despite me making sure his stress levels were ok he did nothing to check on me.

I also run my own business, spent the evening with friends and have a busy life so I'm not just sitting around with nothing to do. Just expect to be treated as I treat him.

OP posts:
HeathrowQuestion · 23/11/2023 23:05

How do you feel after that exchange tonight, OP?

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 23/11/2023 23:07

HeathrowQuestion · 23/11/2023 23:05

How do you feel after that exchange tonight, OP?

Disappointed and questioning a lot. I know deep down it's not going to work out but I've a terrible habit of ignoring my own feelings with him

OP posts:
HeathrowQuestion · 23/11/2023 23:16

I imagine you feel sad and let down, eh?

whats your previous relationship history?

What would you really like in a romantic partner? What little quirks and preferences do you have?

Captainfairylights · 23/11/2023 23:51

I'm wondering quite how worried you are about this family member, as you seem obsessed about your BF's reaction. It feels a little manipulative to be honest. I would simply attend to your own feelings and the situation you are in and let your BF respond how he feels able. I think it would be different if you were ill yourself, but burdening your relationship with your emotional problems can destroy it. Rather than expecting him to give as much as you and being resentful when he doesn't, why don't you just give less and look after yourself more.

HeathrowQuestion · 24/11/2023 00:07

@Captainfairylights the whole thread has taken on quite a robotic tone.

What’s your immediate, instinctive, emotional feeling about this whole situation?

Sashya · 24/11/2023 00:32

Personally - I don't think it's a case of him not being into OP.
To me - it sounds like a mismatched personalities. And, frankly, OP is sounding a little OTT with the "caring" and "managing his stress".
It seems like it's still a fairly short relationship - they met, dated, broke up for a while, re-started. So - still just getting to know each other.

They do seem to have different approaches to relationships - where OP seems to be quite needy and wanting a fair bit of "support" from him. Personally - I'd find it difficult if that was an expectation so early on in a relationship - especially if I had a full on busy career.

OP is of course entitled to expect whatever she choses to expect from a partner. So - it seems they aren't very compatible.

Her partner isn't the type to take on caring about her emotional state to the extent she seems to want. Personally - I am not sure many men would be that continuously supportive partner she seems to need.

In a longer term relationships some men do learn to be better - but I do wonder if they really care, or more get better to do what we train/demand they do.

Burntouted · 24/11/2023 02:13

If there is genuinely a sick family member...
Are you using your sick family member to test his commitment to you and the relationship, and to possibly gain the attention from him you perhaps don't recieve much of???

As it has been said,

You seem more obsessed and more interested in him and responses, than the ill family member.

Utterlyworthless · 24/11/2023 03:06

He uses work as a way to keep you at arms length. Barack Obama has a busy week but he managed to keep his wife happy! I mean it takes literally seconds to send a message to someone. Not only that but the fact he doesn’t even ask about you or your life/family stuff just shows his lack of interest.

It wouldn’t even surprise me if he’s busy keeping his options open and that’s why some weeks he’s unable to see you.

When you started your message I thought this was a brand new relationship but if it’s been 2 years of this crap then it’s time to ditch!

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