Feel like I'm going out of my mind

[soundofsilence8]

I come home everyday to shit everywhere. My husband is extremely untidy. I'm talking stuff piled up randomly on the side in the kitchen. His clothes all over the floor in the bedroom. I tidy mine and the kids stuff away. I'm always washing up. I have to deal with the laundry. He uses a pair of scissors and they are then left out forever more. That sort of thing. I find the clutter very difficult to live with, especially as i feel like im constantly tidying but getting nowhere. Im also trying to teach our children to put things away and not take after their father. I also get asked why im using appliances as he's very aware of finances despite us not struggling. I was asked why I was using the iron last night (to iron damp clothes that were not drying). I'm asked why im using the washing machine at the time I am. He also told me off for opening the door for too long this morning as I was exiting the house. He comments on my parking. Picks the kids up from school once this week but can't manage to feed them so they have to wait until 6:45 for their dinner. He's such a man baby. I'm also in a difficult job which is causing me anxiety plus I'm trying to leave a toxic friendship which is really hurting and sad. I've come home and gone straight to bed. I want it all to stop. I keep fantasising about leaving (I can't though because I wouldn't leave the children). I feel guilty about struggling to connect with them properly at the moment because my head feels like such a mess. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of panicking. I'm doing my job and even whilst in a meeting or discussion, there's a voice in my head screaming at me to run away and get out and disappear. What's wrong with me?

Can't you separate? You don't need to leave your children and run away.

You’re human and you’re carrying far too much on your shoulders. You really need to listen to your internal dialogue as it’s your minds way of trying to protect you from further stress. If you can get a good counsellor, please do so. If not, start telling your husband you may seriously seek to separate if things don’t change. You need support and cooperation and you’re not getting it.

Thank you. I hadn't really thought of it as my internal dialogue before.

@soundofsilence8 it exists for good reason, you’re not mad, it’s a protection mechanism, listen to it and take action. It doesn’t get better from here unless you do something now. It will benefit you and your kids in the long run. Your husband needs to step up or go.

I agree with this, OP. Please take care here, I had an extremely similar situation and ended up developing a really unpleasant anxiety disorder that lasted for a year. You’re on the brink and you need help, fast. Be serious and firm with your OH , he’s got to start stepping up for you and cutting out the criticism.
Be absolutely clear with what you need from him, write up a rota if needs be (in my experience, men seem to react better to clear, black and white instructions) and also give him a deadline (six weeks ?) and if there are no improvements then you wish him to leave. He’s bringing nothing to the table at the moment, he needs to clean his act up and fast ! Good luck, OP x

I agree with tackling your husband. If he doesn’t change it will only breed resentment and there will be no going back from that. Your marriage will be over.

It sounds like you are close to burn out. Does your work offer any help re counselling?

Im divorcing and I was paying privately for therapy. I can’t afford it any more. I reached out to the NhS italk service. I didn’t wait long for an assessment phone call. The assessor says she considers I need to be referred to a domestic abuse service. You may get similar help, but you need to be really honest to them about your feelings and the intrusive thoughts of running away.

Best of luck.

OP, as others have said you are under a lot of pressure and this voice in your head and these constan intrusive thoughts are because you are experiencing extreme anxiety.
You need to have a very serious talk with your husband and explain how you are feeling. Emphasise that he needs to step up and take what you are saying seriously.
Tell him that he needs to respect your living areas and put away whatever he gets out. You are not his maid or his mother!
Re his clothes if they aren't put away or put in the wash l would shove them all in a black sack and leave on it on his side of the bed for him to deal with.
Calmly explain if he does not get onboard with sharing the household duties, tidy away what he gets out, and also stop the relentless criticism, then you will be asking him to leave with a view to separating.

Your responses are giving me strength. Thank you. I desperately want to seek counselling but have always held back. I'm going to investigate into my options over the weekend.