How to help friend in need? She wants to run away

[Bettertoday]

I have a friend who I've known for a few years, we are close but I don't know her really well as such. We met through our kids school so I see her a lot but uncertain how to help her rn.

She has been struggling with keeping her life in order mainly because her child is (very) challenging with behaviour from ASD, and an unsupportive husband who I wonder is possibly too controlling, borderline coersive. I've seen her this low many times now, she says she wants to run away with the kids and I don't know how to support her. She's in a terrible rut and has very little family, who live miles apart.

I really worry she could do something bad. She has a 'great' life on the outside in terms of materialistic value, but her support network is next to nothing other than me and a couple of other school mums.

How can I support her? Other than offering to have the kids, hugs, letting her cry, building up her confidence etc, She's a wonderful woman who's highly intelligent but she's not 'allowed,' to work as hubby says she needs to be the SAHM etc. She has no confidence and no energy to live.

I'm so worried!

If i were you, i would speak with the school and express your concern that she is a wonderful mother but going through a very difficult time and you suspect could do with some support

aside from you being there to listen, there is very little in practise you can do

given her child has very serious ASD they will know doubt already be fairly involved with her and him

Thank you! That's a good idea. I suppose what I'm trying to figure out if she really does need to run away, my gut is saying no, and hopefully she will get through this

I would encourage her to chat with Womens Aid, as it sounds like she’s experiencing very low mood due to her Husband’s abusive behaviour.

Can you keep her documents safe at your house? A secret phone? Runaway bag? Can you help her to open a bank account for as running away fund? She might not need these things but if she has them then she has options?

Signpost her to Women's Aid and local domestic abuse services.

She could potentially go into refuge and work out what to do from there.

Suggest you go with her to see Women's aid. And support her if she decides to leave. It is really hard to do. Keep reassuring her she has done the right thing and not to go back.

Please be careful how invested you get

I’m not saying this to be callous but don’t give more than you can

she needs to spend some of that money on therapy and also call woman's aid

you can’t fix this for her
only signpost her x

Why would you want to stop her running away with her child if that’s what she feels she needs to do?

She’s trapped with a dinosaur husband who doesn’t want her to work because it would give her financial independence from him and confidence and she would, no doubt, be working with other men as well as women and might notice that not all men are as backward-thinking as he is.

What you’re describing is coercive control which is a form of domestic abuse. You’re watching her spirit being crushed by her husband. So why is your gut telling you she shouldn’t leave? What does her getting through this look like to you? Wouldn’t that require her to surrender to the conditions imposed by her bullying husband? Wouldn’t that require her to lose herself altogether - become a Stepford Wife?

She’s not in a rut. She’s trapped in a gilded cage. She’s unhappy because she still has a spark of herself left. Frankly, it would be a bad sign if she were happy in her situation.

She isn't your friend. You two don't have a relationship nor bond.. You don't really know her or how her life genuinely is.

You are too invested in her and her life. ..perhaps obsessed and letting your mind run wild ...creating different scenarios that perhaps are very far from the truth.

Respectfully....shift focus to your own life, and respectfully mind your business.

What you're doing sounds great. I'd make sure she knows she can count on you and call you any time day or night if needed, that is the key thing. The worst thing when you're in a dark place is thinking you're all alone, speaking from experience. You're a really great friend and she's very lucky to have you