Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Internet dating

14 replies

unhappy50 · 22/11/2023 16:30

Hi

I have just come out of a relationship 6 months ago and took a chance at Tinder it is awful ... men matching them talking and it not going anywhere , then unmatching ,, just want hook ups it is awful ... I am thinking I might be on my own forever. It is nothing like when I met my ex ... what do people do nowadays

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 22/11/2023 16:41

You need to take control in the conversations.

Have a quick chat or two and if they seem decent ask if they want to grab food/coffee at the weekend.

If they umm and aww or say they can't but don't suggest an alternative - then delete them and move on.

If they cancel a date more than once - delete and move on.

If you haven't met within 10 days of talking - delete and move on.

It takes practice to get into the swing of it. There are timewasters. Don't LET your time be wasted.

Pinkbonbon · 22/11/2023 16:50

Also, ideally once you have had a couple of conversations amd then arranged a date - don't spend hours and hours talking to them in the mean time. Don't grow a bond with anyone who you haven't even met.

It's perfectly OK to say 'oh hello, yes I'm looking forwards to seeing you on Friday. I hope you don't mind but I'm not much into being tied to my phone. I prefer to meet people in person first at least and see how we vibe anyway'.

Because lots of people are only on these things for the ego boost. So they'll agree to a date but then talk your ear off until then...then ask to rearrange the date...then talk your ear off for the next week. Because the truth is, they don't want the date, they just want to waste your time chatting in order to puff up their ego.

So a few chats, arrange a date...maybe 1 more quick chat between then and the date.

Don't entertain men who start to send 'good morning/night' texts out of the blue when you've not even met them yet either imo. 9 times out of 10 they are going to trample over your boundaries because they already are.

Sandalholidays12 · 22/11/2023 16:58

How long was you dating your ex for? I tried Tinder this year and I couldn't get on board with it. Have you tried Hinge? I preferred tye men on their... I'm currently seeing someone from Hinge and he's lovely so far and he's made a lot of effort with him. I think dating apps have a bad rep.... but it you don't entertain red flags or anyone doggey they aren't that bad. It can be hard work OLD so I've had times where I've deactivated my account and then came back.

Original poster
unhappy50 · 22/11/2023 20:03

I was with him for
15 years I met someone who was into me and when I realised I liked him and wanted to date him, he has agreed to go back to his ex for the kids ... misses his kids too much.. doesn't love her just his kids ... so trying OLD

I stayed with my ex 3 years over than I should gave done for the kids

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 22/11/2023 22:01

Sounds like he was a dicker-abouter op.

I'm sure lots of people stay in unhealthy relationships for their kids but thats not the same thing as his behaviour. Leaving and then
telling another woman (you) that he didn't love her but going back 'for the kids'. That poor woman, it's so sad for her.

Don't let men use your experiences against you to trick you into trusting or sympathising with them. I wonder infact if you said to him about you having 'stayed longer than you should have' in your marriage, early on? So he used that as his escape card knowing you'd be sympathetic with it and not call him out on dicking you around.

Not to say it couldn't just have been a coincidence of course.

I'd avoid telling guys anything about 'staying too long' or 'tolerating too much' with and ex ect... as that's telling them your boundaries can perhaps be trampled over. And there are lots of creeps out there, looking for victims.

And don't date 'seperated' men. Make sure they're fully divorced! Less risky.

GreyCarpet · 23/11/2023 07:21

I agree with Pinkbonbon

I did a bit of online dating in my late 30s/early 40s and found it to be largely a waste of time.

I'd chat online for a few days and suggest a date if I was interested in meeting them. If they hesitated, I didn't bother talking to them again. Didn't re engage with anyone who went quiet and then popped up a week or so later. Didn't overlook any obvious red flags or give the benefit of the doubt at the chatting stage. I still didn't meet anyone I wanted a relationship with! I had a few short flings from it but nothing else.

There were one or two men I chatted to for longer in that time without suggesting meeting. I had no interest in meeting them. I wasn't deliberately wasting their time or doing it for an ego boost but I knew I didn't want to meet them early on. I think you know pretty early on if you do. I don't think all men do it maliciously but if they aren't enthusiastic about meeting, don't continue chatting.

I think there can sometimes be a tendency to give someone a chance online when you wouldn't do if you'd met irl simply because when you've 'noped' on 30 men or whatever, you can start to feel you're being a bit fussy and wonder if the problem is you. It's not.

I started seeing someone 2 years ago who I'd known through a hobby for a few years previously. Do you do anything where you'd meet men irl?

If I became single now, I'd stay that way. There's no way I'd try online dating again (I'm 48 now).

GreyCarpet · 23/11/2023 07:26

As for men matching, talking and then unmatching, I don't think that's a massive problem.

Don't see every man you chat to as a potential relationship.

I used to liken it to chance conversations in a pub. You might see someone you thought was attractive and get chatting at the bar but you might also do that with 2 or 3 men over the course of an evening. You wouldn't assume each of them was going to want to date you or start imagining a future with them. You can have a perfectly nice chat with a man socially and then move on and chat to another and not want to date any of them! Online dating is a bit like that.

Original poster
unhappy50 · 23/11/2023 13:24

Pinkbonbon · 22/11/2023 22:01

Sounds like he was a dicker-abouter op.

I'm sure lots of people stay in unhealthy relationships for their kids but thats not the same thing as his behaviour. Leaving and then
telling another woman (you) that he didn't love her but going back 'for the kids'. That poor woman, it's so sad for her.

Don't let men use your experiences against you to trick you into trusting or sympathising with them. I wonder infact if you said to him about you having 'stayed longer than you should have' in your marriage, early on? So he used that as his escape card knowing you'd be sympathetic with it and not call him out on dicking you around.

Not to say it couldn't just have been a coincidence of course.

I'd avoid telling guys anything about 'staying too long' or 'tolerating too much' with and ex ect... as that's telling them your boundaries can perhaps be trampled over. And there are lots of creeps out there, looking for victims.

And don't date 'seperated' men. Make sure they're fully divorced! Less risky.

Edited

I didn't meet him online known him for ages ... I know he is unhappy with her but that is his problem not mine ... I stayed with someone I didn't love for the kids..I am not naive just so new to this .. I think h might just heal work on myself before I date as I need to get used to being on my own x

OP posts:
Original poster
unhappy50 · 23/11/2023 13:26

Thanks so much I have stayed in a loveless relationship for years and suooose I just want to be loved

OP posts:
SheIsStuck23 · 23/11/2023 13:28

I met my DH via OLD.

Are there no alternatives to Tinder? I don’t know much about it but I always thought that was an OLD site that was primarily focused on casual encounters??

SamW98 · 23/11/2023 13:28

Hi OP. OLD can be a bit brutal at times so my advice would be to maybe take a bit more time single to get really comfortable in your own skin before you start dating.

Ive been single a while now and it’s best gift I could have given myself. I’m so chilled and at peace with myself and men are an optional extra now.

SamW98 · 23/11/2023 13:40

Maybe try Bumble? Women message first so there’s no random messages from people you haven’t matched with. The free version is also better than most of the others too.

FairyMaclary · 23/11/2023 13:43

‘Only with her for the kids’. That old chestnut. Straight from the cheaters handbook.

‘Woah is me I’m not a cake eater, I’m a man of morals and integrity, I’m so great I’m only there for the kids. I’m certainly not requiring smoke blowing up my arse behind my wife’s back’.

When dating if anyone says ‘I’m only there for the kids’ etc then laugh at them, block them and run a mile. I’d escape out of the loo window before I continued a date with a man who said that.

What a Wally. A man with a true desire to ‘be there for the kids’ would be dragging his wife to counselling and staying away from chasing the ladies. Adding a (secret?) girlfriend into his situation will not make his marriage, breakup or kids lives better. If he cannot see that he’s not worth dating.

When staying for the kids it’s best not to cause their mother PTSD and put her at risk of stds.

Do you love yourself op? Try ‘Love yourself like your life depends on it’ by Ravikant.

Don’t put up with nonsense. Write down your values and live by them EVERY day. Honesty, integrity, loyalty, do it in all your actions. Be proud of you.

I read that book by Ravikant and it’s great.

Original poster
unhappy50 · 23/11/2023 16:33

FairyMaclary · 23/11/2023 13:43

‘Only with her for the kids’. That old chestnut. Straight from the cheaters handbook.

‘Woah is me I’m not a cake eater, I’m a man of morals and integrity, I’m so great I’m only there for the kids. I’m certainly not requiring smoke blowing up my arse behind my wife’s back’.

When dating if anyone says ‘I’m only there for the kids’ etc then laugh at them, block them and run a mile. I’d escape out of the loo window before I continued a date with a man who said that.

What a Wally. A man with a true desire to ‘be there for the kids’ would be dragging his wife to counselling and staying away from chasing the ladies. Adding a (secret?) girlfriend into his situation will not make his marriage, breakup or kids lives better. If he cannot see that he’s not worth dating.

When staying for the kids it’s best not to cause their mother PTSD and put her at risk of stds.

Do you love yourself op? Try ‘Love yourself like your life depends on it’ by Ravikant.

Don’t put up with nonsense. Write down your values and live by them EVERY day. Honesty, integrity, loyalty, do it in all your actions. Be proud of you.

I read that book by Ravikant and it’s great.

Thank you ..... I need to feel secure in myself before I enter this minefield

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page