Rough patch with DH

[Mumwithbooks22]

Me and DH appear to be going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment and I need some advice of how to get us out of this rut. Together 6 years, married 2 and no past relationship problems.

We have an 8 month old DD who we both adore. We were a real team for the first 3-4 months after her birth and despite all the changes to our lives and the total shock of it all we were incredibly happy and were excited for our future as a family.

Fast forward to now and we both feel quite deflated and I suppose indifferent to each other. We're both tired and seem to spend our evenings on our phones and not really making any effort with each other.

We've not had sex since I was 3 months pregnant as DH felt weird about sex in pregnancy and neither of us have initiated since the birth. We did discuss this the other week and we agreed that we know we need to get back on track but its just not the right moment for us (DD wakes a lot in the night, ebf and DH is stressed at work).

My main issue is is that neither of us can seem to be bothered to make conversation and we used to be quite cuddly and this has fallen by the wayside. I'm worried about the lack of intimacy in our marriage (not just sexual but emotional and general affection) and want to sort this before its too late. We seem to acknowledge the issue, take no action and bumble along until the next conversation. Any tips for reviving a marriage after a first baby? I'm hoping that this to shall pass but any words of advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you xx

Hi OP. To an extent, what you describe is fairly normal. Regardless of what plans you put in place, a baby (and a first one at that) is completely life-changing so you're still adapting. I think you need to keep talking but also add in some action as well. So don't just talk and agree that it's not as good as it used to be, but actually make a plan to improve things. Whether that's sorting a babysitter and having an actual night out, or booking the time and having a date night in where you get takeaway or cook something special etc. You have to actually make the time to do these things. Even if it feels a bit forced to begin with. Same for the sex, unless there's real issues there then I think you just need to crack on with it. The more you do it the more you'll want it. Obviously make sure you're both feeling comfortable and physically ready etc but sometimes we can build things up into a huge deal when really you might be better to say feck it and just get on with it! Keep talking but actually make the time to spend with each other, that's my solution (married 20 years, 2 teens and yes we've had lots of ups & downs like everyone)

".....not really making any effort with each other...."

There you have it. After a life-changing event such as your first DC your relationship will obviously change massively and in order to keep things on track both of you you DO need to make an effort. And the "right time" is now, you have recognised that there is a problem that needs to be tackled so tackle it, it will not go away by itself.

We have two DC (now grown up) so I know the feeling , but however busy you are there is still time for a good morning/good night kiss and to tell your DP you love them. A cuddle might last less than a minute but it can transform your day. And sexual connection is very important - we agreed that we should try not to go more than a week without - of course a lot of the time it was just a quick sh*g but that is better than nothing - sex is the glue in an LTR, it reaffirms your love and commitment and generates unique feelings of closeness between you.

So don't just bemoan the loss of your pre-baby lifestyle, the future will be different but it will work if you both approach it positively.

My husband are going through something very similar and also did after the birth of our first child. I have brought it to his attention several times and it finally seems to be hitting home now. He has been so busy and pre occupied with work and is CONSTANTLY on his phone to the point I thought he was cheating! His lack of effort made me feel awful and my self esteem plummeted and it made me put less effort in because I didn't see the point if it wasnt reciprocated. Our sex life definitely suffered after our first baby but aftter our second (she's 11 months) thankfilly has been great!

Going forward I have said we need to message Abit more often in the day like we used to. Try and be more affectionate with each other. Have a little date once a week even if it's just coffee in the park. Phones down more often and none at the dinner table. Watch TV together. Talk more. So far so good but hubby is very good at doing it for a bit and then stopping 🙄.

Thanks for the responses. You're so right, I know we need to make more effort and I will talk to him about this. I get the point about having sex. Its just hard to want sex with someone when you're barely even looking at each other, but on the flip side maybe we'd want to be intimate in other ways too if we were having sex. I think a long conversation is needed as we're both feeling so flat. Xx