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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Coldness

32 replies

Nevereat · 22/11/2023 00:14

In your experience, what is sudden coldness a sign of? DH was never the most affectionate or demonstrative but one day he suddenly went completely cold. It has continued basically to this day, with a very brief time when he acted less cold, but I could still sense the coldness underneath, the warmth didn’t feel real.

It’s mainly a sense that he doesn’t really care about me - there’s no real compassion or care there, even when I’m really upset, or even hurt.

Would be interested to hear other people’s experiences of this?

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 22/11/2023 08:58

Nevereat · 22/11/2023 08:49

Thanks everyone… sorry for those who’ve been through similar. I just can’t my head around him not caring for me… I feel that I would always care about him, even if I had feelings for someone else.

I guess maybe the coldness is what’s needed to go through with it (affair or just exiting the marriage). I have seen no evidence that he is having an affair fwiw. Maybe just has a crush on someone…

It is horrible to go through OP. been there.
As another MN'er said, be on the ball how he uses or guards his phone, laptop but dont snoop. Watch his actions. If suspicious of affair then firmly ask him ' who is she, please dont lie'

user1471886287 · 22/11/2023 11:45

My husband has done this (aged 40) it’s awful, total disconnection. He said he feels numb and disengaged with ‘us’. I don’t know if it’s depression, low mood, MLC, he has checked out on us, doesn’t love me (he said he does love me and it’s not crossed him mind to leave) or just a blip that all long marriages go though. I’m sure it’s not AW as we see each other all the time.

Its tough and I feel your pain! I’m hoping it goes as this limbo is utterly awful

sending hugs

user1471886287 · 22/11/2023 11:47

Me too - it’s bloody brutal

mistletoeplates · 22/11/2023 12:57

Affair. You are being re-written as a person he doesn't care about, or as not being worthy of his care and attention. This is the way people who have affairs cope with the guilt.

If it happened virtually overnight then can you remember what had happened on that day @Nevereat ?

Pinkbonbon · 22/11/2023 15:11

If he is cheating, you'd find out in the next few months, through the grapevine, after leaving him. Some 'new' dame suddenly pops up. No need to prove it atm because the issue is how he treats you. An affair would just be... icing on the cake.

I think we get obsessed with the whys because we want to understand how someone that should care about us, just, doesn't. But like you say op, even if there was another woman it wouldn't explain a (normal) person just losing all compassion for you. But some people...just aren't good people. They're missing that empathy gene. They're not loyal and have the same depth of character as the average houseplant.

It's not because anything is wrong with you. It's because there's something funamentally lacking in them. We can't change it, we can't fix it. We just have to choose ourselves and call it a day.

Crushed23 · 22/11/2023 15:29

Checked out of the relationship.

Beaverbridge · 22/11/2023 16:26

Mine it was cheating. Thankfully now ex!.

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