Toxic, trauma bond or just plain stupid?

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My ex and I have stayed in touch when I think it's bad for me. The upside for him is I think it eases his guilt and maybe he feels he will eventually get me in bed again.

I keep him in my life for comfort, he was my best friend and we know each other better than anyone but I believe he would drop me in a second for someone else who gave him attention.

This time last year he treated me badly, cheating on me and then leaving me when I 'freaked out' about it. I tried to repair it with him but it was like he couldn't handle my challenging of him and he disappeared but recently came back into my life. We haven't slept together but we've met for coffees and we chat on the phone.

I love him but this is the week last year that he cheated and it's full of memories. I reminded him of this, telling him I was somewhat dreading this week because of memories and I think I want him to 'reach out' and check in with me. I want him to see how I am so that I know he actually cares.

You're setting yourself up to be hurt all over again. Do yourself a favour and cut him off. Do some research into codependency.

Plain stupid. You won’t grow as a person until you cut him out of your life.

Really stupid. Block his number.

Toxic, trauma bond or just plain stupid?

All of the above. You need a clean break and to cut off completely. You'll never move on unless you do and you're setting yourself up to repeat history.

Why would you tell him of an anniversary of bad memories with you two? Its like you're trying to test him in some weird fashion.

This is 100% toxic from you as well. Why would you keep someone around like this?

Are you lonely? Be honest why would you let someone like him back into your life. This isn't love... this is nothing like love.

Actually love yourself more and treat yourself like you should. He is never ever going to be your person. Be your own person.

Would you treat a friend that way? Block him.

Yes I probably am lonely. It really affected me being cheated on and I became very insecure.

I do feel I'm almost testing him.....which is ridiculous but it's as if I really want him to prove me wrong and show he cares again to make up for the past.

A real love would never need testing like that.

While you are wasting your time on this "man" you are wasting precious time when you could be meeting someone else.

But personally, I think you could do with being on your own for a little while and discover who you are.

You survived without him before you met him and you can survive without him again. But by not giving yourself distance from him, you never have room to heal.

And he isn't your best friend, best friends don't cheat on and hurt us.

I think deep down you know he will never pass that test... may I ask does anxious avoidant attachment style sound familiar to you? If not have a google.

My friend always seems interested in unavailable men. Her mum abandoned her when young and her dad died when she was young too. She was used to people leaving her so she picked unsuitable men because in a way it was all she knew how people had treated her growing up. Including what little family she had. So she would date men she could keep at arms length. So she couldn't get hurt but also an I told myself so. I don't know if any of this is of any use to you but if this is a pattern in your life, I reckon some therapy could help. I've only seen people with some trauma before keep horrible people around. It's not your fault, I empathise. People suck.

Just cut him from your life.

I recently recontaced an ex who love bombed then dumped me 11 years ago. The upshot?

1. Told me how great he is doing
2. He apologised for being a dick 3. It was nice to get an apology

I then read up about should I get back with an ex, and really it's all just a fantasy and rarely works- same niggles will be there but not only are they there you are reminded of the disappointment the first time round.

I begged him back 11 years ago and we spent 3 years trying to make it work. The problem for me was the trust was eroded and I then kept finding fault with him. He too played on my eagerness to please him. It was all fucking wrong really.

Find a book about types of relationships to avoid.

You said it yourself 'I believe he would drop me in a second if someone else showed him attention'

Thats not a best friend. That's no where near even a semi decent friend.

A best friend isn't just someone who knows you well. It's someone who cares about you. Someone who has your back. Who never wants to hurt you. And who is heartbroken if they do - and does all they can to apologise and make things right.

All this guy is, is crappy person that you grew up alongside.

You keep him in your life because you had affection for the person you assumed ge was. Becayse you loved him and were a good friend to him and just assumed, naturally that he was the same for you...afterall you'd been together for years, how could there not be such a bond?

Because he's a shitty, shitty person that's how.

Time to take the rose tinted goggles off.
You do see him now. Its evident. Don't try and sweep it under the carpet and tell yourself the lie that he cares. I know it hurts...but he doesn't care.

Create closure - tell him to sod off. Then block him from your life.