Not sexually attracted to partner after having a baby with them

[Bmt]

Hello!

Amongst other things going on in my postnatal head, something that's really bugging me is having 0 sexual connection or intimacy with my partner. We had our daughter two years ago and since then we've had sex twice. I still have a sex drive and do fantasise about having sex with other people, but have no inclination to want to sleep with him at all. Is this normal? I want to have sex just not with him. It cringes me out that he's the father to my daughter and I only see him and I as mummy and daddy as opposed to a sexual, young couple. We have separate beds and have done since I was pregnant due to me being uncomfortable and his snoring, the snoring has not improved and since having a child my tolerance to noise when I sleep doesn't exist ( don't think it did before to be honest but he definitely didn't used to snore!) I keep thinking if we went away for a night without our daughter we would get in the mood but he'd probably just fall asleep as he has a manual job. I just feel so disconnected to him and just feel like we are co parents and housemates. We don't have kisses or hugs unless it's forced and feels awkward! Will I ever want to have sex with him again?! He also doesn't try to have sex with me or make me feel desired or sexy. Anyone had the same problem as me?!

You need to talk. You are not happy with the arrangement and you need to find out if he is. Would you go to marriage counselling?

So has your partner showed no inclination to be intimate with you, and if so have you spoken about it? Could he be holding back because of your obvious disinterest? If you plan to stay together l would suggest couples counselling to help you decide whether this can resolved.

Tbh if I'd shot a kid out of my hoo-ha I'd probably never want to go near a penis again either.

But considering it's just him you feel this way about... it sounds like there's more to it.

It reminds me a bit of the maddona-whore complex where men separate women into saints and sluts. Saints being often, their wives or babies mothers who they don't have sex with OR dont have dirty sex with at least. And sluts...are often the 'other women'.

This sounds like an equivalent where you've put him onto a father pedestal. He's no longer sexy. He's a childcare and housework partner. You respect him but you don't want to sleep with him.

I think a good option is to get some time just the two of you. Could a grandparent take the kid for a weekend? Go somewhere nice for it and really take the time to rest, chat and test to see if the spark in the bedroom can be rekindled. If there's potential, great, maybe get a therapist too to help you both rebuild the bond.

I have a 1 year old and feel the same, no interest in sex and we’ve had it twice since having baby. We sleep desperately because the baby is with me (won’t sleep in own cot) and there isn’t room. If we had any time together e.g. date nights it would help I think but we’ve no family help at all or babysitters we know/ trust. People always say like the above commenter ‘leave baby with grandparents’ and we don’t bloody have any.

It also doesn’t help that I had an episiotomy and the scar seems to have healed oddly so sex is tight and painful!

Separately not desperately!

I felt the same after birth and here we are 15 years later i honestly dont fancy him sexually, there were few times I felt sexual attraction but 95% of the time i just see him as a friend or a huge turn off. I too was horny for other men had awful crushes, i just couldnt bear him touch me.
I think i was just so so pissed off and resentful at his lack of support, i was so tired and angry that his life and body hadnt changed as mine has. I felt i had ruined my life by having a DC with him and resented how trapped I became by having DC with him. I stopped working to be a sahm and had PND. In hindsight i should have pushed to be part time even if i made peanuts because i was so isolated and felt all i was is a mum. He was with me when i gave birth and i didnt feel he was supportive then. He added to my stress when i was giving birth and afterwards i felt so alone.

My DH earns well and isnt a terrible person so I stayed to keep the family unit as I had fears about meeting someone who might end up abusing my DC. I also would give up sex for a thousand years if it meant seeing mg DC everyday.

My DH had made comments about mt post natal body, I felt he wasn't pulling his weight I started to hate him and regret having DC with him but, I had no money worries with him and Im with my DC with financial security...

He would never go for counselling and i havent found therapy helpful, i prefer self help books.

@Cantsayanything09

That is sad to read. Have you pretty much gone 15 years with little/no sex?

Thank you. Yes I've suggested couples counselling but it's tricky finding anywhere plus anyone who can look after our daughter when we go. I love him I just don't fancy him anymore and think I need to work on intimacy issues.

Sorry, I think I replied to the wrong comment! I'm clearly to sleepy to reply properly, will reply asap xxx

Hello!

So sorry for the delay in response.

I completely understand now you're feeling and I'm sorry you've felt like this for 15 years. Having a kid is bloody hard and no one can ever prepare you for how it impacts every single element of your life in so many ways.

I hope you and your partner can work things out.

I'm not sure how I'll ever want to have sex with my partner again. Totally get what you mean about resent, my partner wasn't very supportive during the birth and I definitely hold a grudge without even realising and stupidly compare to the 'perfect' families on social media.

I'm sorry you're in the same position! It's so bloody hard being a parent. I don't know how I'll ever get a sex drive back and see him as a boyfriend not a dad. I thought I'd fall in love with him more but we are just constantly tired and stressed! I know before we had a baby we were closer and more loveable but now we're just ships in the night, we too don't share a bed because he snores! It's so hard, I feel you x

Nope, 0 intimacy and if we have a little kiss or cuddle it cringes me out. I think he also knows I don't want to so doesn't try. I just get the ick. It's all in my head, I just see him and me as parents and nothing more. It makes me feel embarrassed if I had sex in the house with my daughter in the house. I think I fantasise about others as it's like I'm away from the role of mum and can be a different character if that makes sense?

That complex makes total sense to me, I hadn't thought about it that way but I can totally relate. My mum sadly works every evening so we aren't able to go out but we'll try to get a day time weekend date but obviously can't have sex then unless we did it somewhere illegal haha! I just don't know how to feel sexually attracted to him. I think because when my daughter was younger she was so difficult and we didn't have anyone look after her as she was exclusively BF we have kind of just got used to no time together for 2 years. The things we connected over were travelling and adventures which we can't do anymore with a 2 year old. But you're right about needing to make some time together to try and get spark back. I feel like I need to just have sex with him to rip off the bandaid but also I just don't want to and it would feel so awkward and forced!