How soon is too soon to move on?

[theonewiththeband]

My ex had an affair and I decided to end the marriage but he's still currently living with us. I have met someone new and it's moving quickly. He is everything I've always wanted. Kind, loving, loyal, well educated and financially very secure.

I won't let him meet the children yet but he accepts them completely and also wants children of his own. I am 37 next year so obviously we can't hang around for too long. How soon is too soon to move on though? Have any of you moved quickly from one serious relationship to another when children are involved? Is it being selfish or would I regret not taking this chance?

Well you shouldn’t be introducing someone new into their life for a while, until you know this relationship is going to go the distance. Even longer when you’ve you’re still living with father of your children. It would be really damaging to introduce a new man into their life at this stage or anytime soon. Spend some time getting to know this guy without your children around, when they get to spend some time with their father. I’d be thinking about next summer for introductions

It's not too soon for you to move on (although I'd proceed with caution) but at least a year to think about introducing to your kids or even thinking of having a baby.

So hard to know. Depends on the man. If he is "the one" is it ever too soon?

Often things moving very fast in a new relationship is a red flag: too much too soon when you don't really know each other fully can turn out badly. Yes, it can work out for some people - but when you have children, you shouldn't take the risks you might if you didn't, sorry. You need to take it slow.

Not to mention you're just out of a relationship that ended really hurtfully and haven't sorted out your living arrangements, a divorce or how things will work afterwards. This could be your rebound relationship and

Do your children know you've split up?

As for planning another child, I don't think you're thinking about your current children there at all. You need to give them time to adapt to the changes, not be dropping some new bloke into their lives and then a baby sibling.

It's very easy for him to say he accepts your children completely - but the reality of becoming a step-parent/having a step-parent come into your life as a child is that it's tough and needs to be negotiated carefully.

I know it's all very exciting and feels great in the first flush of a new relationship, but you need to keep your feet on the ground and put your existing children's best interests first.

You don't mention timings... What is "quickly"? Have you known this guy days, weeks, months?...because a couple of weeks is very different to 10 months...

I think you need to prioritise sorting the practicalities of your split. You and your ex need to sort separate living arrangements before you can move on.

As for the kids, I know the conventional wisdom is to wait a long time, but I think this depends on how you introduce him and the ages of your kids. I think this is an overreaction to people who shack up with one boyfriend after another, and the obvious issues that kids will have by experiencing their mum's volatile love life at close quarters.

Personally I think it's ok to introduce them casually reasonably early on (ie a few months) and see how they get on, as a healthy dynamic between them is essential if the relationship is going to work, and it doesn't make sense to me to wait until you've already become long term partners to introduce something so pivotal to the relationship's success. The key is "casual" meetings such a meal or a walk in the park... you definitely don't introduce him as effectively their new step-father. The issue with waiting too long is that's essentially what you would be doing - the now long-term partner becomes a permanent feature in kids lives very quickly. That's my view though and I appreciate it differs from many on here.

Also, you say he says he's fine with your kids... but you won't really know whether he is or not, or whether the dynamics work, until they meet.... I appreciate you shouldn't do this too quickly, but equally waiting until the relationship is permanent (as far as a relationship ever can be) is too long in my opinion.

Personally I'd want to be completely separated from the ex first - either him or you move out. Let the dust settle from that. Then I'd start thinking about progressing things further with this next guy.

I'd be wary of him wanting kids too. Do you want more children? Did you before New Guy came along?

Just make sure you're not jumping out of the frying pan into the fire OP.

There is no timing for it. Usually people like a clean end and start before initiating other serious relationship. There is a lot going on in a separation and usually it is a rollercoaster of ups and downs. People make that choice to stay focused in one thing, to no involved others in that situation and because they feel they are vulnerable and wouldn't like to be hurt.

You can move on as fast as you feel ready, but don't be fooled by fake feelings or siren songs. The point of a break up is to move to a better place not to start a similar loop.

I am being cautious. He understands the children are my priority and things cannot progress while I still have my ex here and the situation is so chaotic. He is willing to wait and go at my pace and is very respectful of me and my boundaries. He has not mentioned meeting the children yet but we've spoken about them a lot and about expectations that we both have. We only meet up when the children are at school or they are with their dad and it will stay that way for a good few months at least.

He isn't pushing for marriage and babies immediately but it is something he wants in the not too distant future. I have always wanted a big family but financial limits meant I stopped. He owns his own construction company and is well off, so it wouldn't be an issue.

People say to wait until you know it's forever. The problem is, I thought my marriage was forever but my ex had other ideas. I'm not someone who would have a revolving door of sexual partners and have them coming in and out of my children's lives. I see him as someone who will be a life partner. Is it really so bad to have two long term serious relationships by the age of 40?

I am slightly hesitant because he seems a bit too perfect. Or perhaps my standards have been too low before.

People say to wait until you know it's forever.
I wouldn't say that, but it takes time for cracks to show, dynamics to settle and masks to drop. Generally the honeymoon period is about 18 months to 2 years

It also takes time for children to adjust to new situations and living arrangements.

Is it really so bad to have two long term serious relationships by the age of 40?
Of course not, and no-one is saying it is, I don't think?

I am slightly hesitant because he seems a bit too perfect. Or perhaps my standards have been too low before.
It's possible that he's lovebombing, mirroring you or future-faking you. That's the sort of thing that only time tells really.

I think that the time pressure of your fertility window makes it more difficult and emotionally/biologically charged - but you shouldn't fast-forward the relationship because of it.

Honestly I think a conversation you should be having is, what if babies don't happen? Would you (and your children) be enough for him?

it's moving quickly.

It's moving as quickly as you're moving it, you're not riding a train, you are in control. If it seems too good to be true, and you feel hesitant then there's a reason for that.

You're not even to the point that you're living seperately, you have to first and foremost get the kids through the coming upheaval, and then make sure you're in a fit state to give the necessary to a new relationship. If it's right then it's right, you don't have to decide now if it's forever, it will just keep on going from strength to strength. What's the rush?

Time will tell, you need to give yourself and most importantly your DC the time and space to move into the next phase of your life, not jump out of the frying pan into the fire before you're even seperated.

*As for planning another child, I don't think you're thinking about your current children there at all. You need to give them time to adapt to the changes, not be dropping some new bloke into their lives and then a baby sibling.

It's very easy for him to say he accepts your children completely - but the reality of becoming a step-parent/having a step-parent come into your life as a child is that it's tough and needs to be negotiated carefully.*

I agree with this. Sorry OP but I think you already thinking about having children with him is crazy. I get that at 37 you have limited time but this would affect your children hugely - you don't really know him yet.

I agree, if he wants children of his own then a 37 year old with children who's barely seperated isn't his best bet. You need to prioritise your existing children rather than having some imaginary ones with him.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, it's really exciting to feel in love and meet someone when your relationship has been shitty, but if you don't keep your feet on the ground you're just heading for trouble, not just for you, for your children. They need you at the moment and for the short to medium term more than ever, until you are the other side of what is a huge life event.

Do your kids even know you’re split up? Have you started the divorce? What’s happening with houses, childcare split etc, do you know?

You’ve got some difficult stuff ahead to deal with, affecting you and your children, I’d slow things with the new man down and put your energy into properly ending your current marriage before planning your next one.

I don’t think it’s wise to leave it too long to meet the kids, they and the new partner may not get on at all and it’s best to know that brogue committing yourself too deeply. But not while you’re still living with your ex! That’s too much change too soon.

@theonewiththeband
How can a man who has never met your children have fully accepted them. He does not even know them , and certainly you have no idea how your children will respond to him.

You are making plans with someone while still living in the same house with your husband. Do you expect your children to have the same ease of transition that you seem to have had? Do you think that they are going to move from dad to stepdad in some smooth fluid motion? They are likely to have some difficult days ahead, and that is where your attention should be focused.

This new man may be very accepting of the notion of your children, but the reality of those children may be very different. You have not experienced yourself as a divorced mom with children, that is a reality that you should experience and navigate before you enter into a relationship.

Are you prepared for the fact that the family of a successful single man with no children is not necessarily going to view a divorced woman with several children as a great catch for their son and brother? They will likely think and tell him that he can and should do better.

All of these issues are issues that you are likely to be facing in the very near future. Prepare for these issues and do not romanticize your situation. I suspect that reality is about to deliver a harsh blow to you.