Recovering from a toxic relationship

[K8H21]

I'm in the process of coming out of a very emotionally abusive 10 year relationship (28 F). I didn't realise until I started coming out of the other side of it, just how much I have lost all sense of self and every ounce of my confidence.
I met up with a friend at the weekend (the first time I have been out in nearly 10 years) - I was so excited and thought I would be back to my old self as soon as I saw her but I was just so anxious and felt socially inept and awkward. For days before I was having anxiety about what to wear, what to talk about etc. When I got ready I felt so fat and ugly and dodged pictures all night.

Trying to hold conversations felt impossible, I felt like everyone must be thinking how boring I was. (My friend was amazing and definitely empathised and understood, kept reassuring me and making sure I was ok - very lucky to have her.) But I couldn't relax and this was so unlike the old me. Pre-relationship I was the life and sole of the party, always felt super confident in myself, would talk for hours to anyone about anything and never worried what anyone thought of me. Now I don't know why anyone would even want to be my friend and feel like people must talk about me and how awkward I am.

I've realised just how much this relationship and the negative comments about every aspect of myself has affected me and I'm worried i'll never get myself back. I'm just an anxious wreck. How do you begin to rebuild your confidence and self worth after a decade of being broken down bit by bit?

You just have to give it time and your friend sounds like a really good friend.

Might be worth looking at some counselling.

You've had ten years of being told negative things by the sound of it so just please be kind to yourself and patient and just accept your emotions are going to be all over the place for a while as you adjust.

Good luck x

I did just under two years ago…I had
counselling..did the Freedom Programme online…just gave myself time. Minimal contact with the X (not full NC because we have a child together). It comes back over time. You’ll probably find lots of people saying they were dragging you down but they didn’t like to say it. It takes time but you’ll get there.

How are you op

Yes, try to minimize contact to zero. Give it time. The old you is ready to wake up.

Hello OP. I felt so sad reading your post. Sometimes knowing that you are not the only one going through something makes you feel better but there are times, like this one, when it really does not. I am in a similar situation like you, but I was with my ex for over twenty five years. I thought too that once I left him I would bounce back to my old self, but I did not. Over two years after we separated it still did not happen to me. I am starting to believe that it may never happen at all. I was also very happy go lucky person, always laughing and singing, always coming up with ways to make others happy too. These days, I simply do not know what to do, how to behave, find myself reacting to things the way he did, and then I get so upset when I realize that he is still in my head.

You are much younger then me, (I am in early fifties) and I hope and wish that you will find the way to your old, true self. Hang in there OP. At least you got away and are free now. Embrace it. Hugs❤️

Hi OP,

You are a brave woman.
What you went through, was highly traumatic. And it wasn't just an event, it lasted a decade. Think of that for a moment. 10 of the 28 years of your life, that's 36% of your lifetime, have been spent while under constant stress. No wonder you're not the same person anymore.
There's actually a Youtube video that can help you understand exactly what happened to you and how you have been affected and changed by what you've lived through. Here's the link if you'd like to see it:

You need time to heal. Time to re-program your brain. Time to find out which parts of you have managed to survive this terrible injustice and how you can stop being afraid enough to bring them out to the surface again.
You will get there. You may need help, counseling, support groups. Please let yourself get the help you need.