How long did it take you to find someone?

[user1469990255]

Hi everyone,

im currently in the very early stages of a divorce. My STBXH had an affair, and is very clearly madly in love with the OW. He still hasn’t admitted to a lot of what I found out and I feel like I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I’ll never know the complete truth, although it’s not easy. We have two DC together. My focus is completely on trying to start a new life we them. Being financially stable for the first time on my own and learning to love myself which I haven’t for a very long time. Over the last few years my confidence is literally at rock bottom, STBXH hasn’t helped with that and leaving me for someone else has certainly cemented that feeling. I found something int he house that he had bought for the OW for Christmas and it basically said ‘you’re the best thing that ever happened to me’. It hurt but it made me think, will I ever feel like that. What if I never find anyone? He has lied and cheated but is curled up in bed with someone whilst I’m going to bed alone and whilst I know i need to build myself up, what if I never have that with someone. How long after your divorce did you find someone new? Did you find it easy? Was being in a relationship strange after divorce?
sorry for the long rant!

I dated a lot of people. Talked to a lot of people.
Had two "bigger" relationships in the first two years. One was an open one though... It was a disaster. He was famous and I'd been in love with him for years. He was horrible, and I was a sucker leaving an abusive marriage. Neither person was ever around my kids except my one ex who sold my house and met ds as an agent.
We are still really good friends.

I kinda just dated around, and didn't really see a long term relationship in my future.

Then I met my partner in Jan. He's the love of my life.. everything I though was impossible to find.

It's only been 11 months but I will marry this man one day.

I have never felt more loved and supported in my life. I find him the sexiest person on the planet.

I have it all. It's kinda crazy.

So it took me 3 years. But I was always open to meeting and dating people.

I think if you know what you want and respect people and their time ( dating takes time), you'll find someone at the right time. 💝

It takes work though. You'll get there. xx

The biggest lesson I learned, as cliché as it sounds, it to be happy with yourself first before even entertaining a new relationship. I jumped into a new relationship which just wasn't right and clung onto it despite all the red flags because my self-esteem was so bad and I was just desperate for someone to love me.

I've been divorced 10 years from my cheating and controlling exH and I got with my DH 3 years ago. I'd been single for over 3 years, went on a few different dates but also spent a lot of time working on myself including holidaying alone and speaking to a therapist.

When your confidence is low you'll accept any old bullshit but when you realise that you're actually fine on your own and learn to enjoy your own company you'll only accept someone who's going to add to your life.

Give yourself time. Surround yourself with good friends and family. Get a new hobby. If you can afford it get a therapist and work on your confidence.

Just remember, the foundation of his relationship was build on lies and deception. He may be happy now but the OW will forever have doubts about him. Regardless, try to put him and whatever he's got going on out of your mind. It's not worth your energy.

As long as it takes. If you date when your self esteem is low you will attract people with low self esteem. That is my experience anyway.

I think that is why a lot of people keep it casual after relationships end for a while.

I would say work on you. Go to counselling talk through all the hurt. People that leave for someone else aren’t leaving for themselves. Try not to compare your life to his. Similar situation my ex is off living his best life speeding onto each milestone with his new partner. I don’t want what he has. I have someone new it took a year but I’m taking it slowly. I don’t think you need someone you need the right person.

I had about a year of not even looking to date. I focused on my kids, friends and career.

I started dating people I met at work or through friends ( this was before tinder) met a few duds but had fun too. It's best to not be too invested and take your time to get to know people. Know your worth.

I met Dh about a year later we took things slowly but have been together 15 years, married 6 and have a 8 year old. It's not a happily ever after. We have had some tragedy but we are strong.

You are better off single than with a cheat. And my ex has had 3 failed marriages since me. They may seem happy but remember your ex is the type of person who thinks it's okay to cheat

I met someone after a year which lasted a couple of years but looking back it was a rebound and wasn’t a good partnership.

Ive now been single nearly 4 years and absolutely the most comfortable in my own skin I’ve ever been and never want to live with a man again. Taking time for me has completely changed my perspective on life and relationships.

Single 7 years. Met my partner and have been together 5 now, have a baby on the way. Like others dated a few arseholes spent a lot of time trying to better myself and boost my own confidence through work and the gym. I enjoyed those 7 years I was really proud of my self for getting through it and eventually met someone that I couldn't be without now.

I found something int he house that he had bought for the OW for Christmas and it basically said ‘you’re the best thing that ever happened to me’
I found a present hidden in the shed. What an inconsiderate, ego-driven specimen you have to be, to bring things into your home where your wife and children live, any of whom could find it. Sorry you had such a disappointing husband too, OP. When the OW realises how thoughtless he is, she might kick herself in the shins for not seeing the obvious, but you presumably did not have the heads-up of knowing he could do this type of thing when you married him.

I was 44 and worn down from his behaviour to me during his affair. I got medical help and therapy with a qualified counsellor. After a year and a half I started to feel an interest in the other sex again but was not looking for a serious relationship - my exh was more or less my first bf so I wanted to do what I'd missed out on when young, and try out a few men. And after years of misery with my ex and our breakup I wanted some fun. This combination proved popular on OLD :D so I got a good few dates. I then stayed with one guy just over a year - he had a GSOH and it was fun; after I ended it we stayed in touch.

I then did another round of dating and found another good-time guy who was not looking for anything especially serious as he had an 8yo half the week. Long story short, he turned out to be an unexpectedly excellent person and we're still together after 7 years. We live separately and just meet up 2/3 days a week, though, as it suits us both pretty well. He feels a lot more on the same wavelength as me than my ex ever did. I might never have experienced that.

Meanwhile, my exh's OW had an affair with someone else after a couple of years. He's since had a couple of LDRs from another continent (and presumably kept up the secret flings with work colleagues). He's a workaholic so that probably suits him best; not sure he'd admit it though!

There are lots of other decent guys out there for you to find, not just one. Be picky :)