Domestic Violence - Was I to Blame

[susanu67]

Being involved in a separate topic today, a question sprang to mind, and i understant it will evolke many emotions.

I went through a period in my life where i ended up in violent relationship after violent relationsip, the last one, it took me 2 years to get myself and my children free from the man, who on the outside appeared charming, but behind closed doors he was a drinker and a hitter.

It seems to be the norm that a violent man will never change, but, it seems my ex has settled down to family life! holds down a job, holidays away with his family, caravan club etc with not a sign of violence in sight!

We split up some 15 or so years ago now, and now I am married to an amazing man, who would never raise his voice to me, let alone his fist.. do you think a leapard can change its spots?

No, a victim is never to blame for the abuse they suffer at the hands of someone else.

Things might look rosy in his life right now, but you never know what goes on behind closed doors, do you?

No. He’s in the honeymoon phase with his new partner. Your relationship with him probably looked good from the outside.

As abusers go on, they get better at abusing too. Sticking to coercive control longer and learning how to hit without leaving marks.

I mean this with kindness, I suggest that you get some therapy, or if moneys tight, try finding a place on the Freedom Programme. If you’re still wondering if it was all your fault you haven’t processed the trauma and come to a full realisation of what has happened to you. You also risk walking back into the same situation.

Refuge/womens aid can signpost you to providers.

No, unfortunately he’s probably still hitting

Sorry edit to the above, I missed that this was historic abuse. I’m not sure you’d get a freedom programme referral. I’d think about some talk therapy though if you can x

@susanu67
A leopard may be trained and tamed but will always be a leopard. He may, thankfully, have learned impulse control methods for controlling his rage and impulses ,and he may no longer drink. He simply may have better impulse control.

the man, who on the outside appeared charming, but behind closed doors he was a drinker and a hitter.

Well exactly - on the outside he appeared charming when he was abusing you. It's probably the same now unfortunately.

It seems to be the norm that a violent man will never change, but, it seems my ex has settled down to family life! holds down a job, holidays away with his family, caravan club etc with not a sign of violence in sight!

Violence is usually the last resort of an abusive man. Perhaps this time he's managed to achieve the level of control he craves without violence, perhaps he is so threatening now that his coercive control is enough in this new relationship.

But even if he'd had a complete personality change and is now The World's Nicest Man, you would STILL not be to blame for his actions in your relationship. Those are on him, regardless.

It's possible that that drink made him more violent and now he's stopped drinking.

Or he may be hitting her behind closed doors.

Either way, he's likely still a total bastard.

A victim is never to blame for abuse. However, never share about past abuse with a new partner early on. If they are similar to your abusive ex, it will give them indication that you have been groomed before and could be again.