Honest Advice Please - what's it really like being a single parent?

[PawPaworPapaya]

Hi everyone,

I've been having serious second thoughts about my marriage for about 6 months now, and feeling generally unhappy/unfulfilled for years.

I love my DH but I'm not attracted to him anymore. We married young. He has gained a huge amount of weight since we first met and shows no signs of really trying to lose any of it, depsite lots of support from me. I am sure he does love me, but he has a nasty side that I don't like, and sometimes he screams at the children at the top of his lungs, which I hate. He once broke a chair because he was so angry.

Also, I very much miss my freedom and space. I feel lots of jealousy towards my single friends. Our sex life is not great, and hasn't been for years. At this point I'm not really getting much out of the relationship, and I'm really just doing it for the kids. They are 3 and 4. I have met several men over the years who I have been very taken with - absolutely nothing inappropriate happened with any of them, and never would, because I would not cheat, but my god, have I really wanted to, on many occasions. I sometimes wonder if this is another sign that my marriage isn't working.

My question is - what's it really like if you take the plunge and leave your husband? Is it harder being a single mum? I don't do everything, but I certainly do well more than my fair share of childcare and house stuff. This has always been the case, and despite so many discussions and arguments, it doesn't really change.

My marriage is unhappy but it is not dire - the house generally ticks along ok and I think I'm doing a good job of pretending to be happy. No one seems to have noticed. Is it really better to break it up and go it alone? Would the kids be better off if we all stay together?

Sorry for being a bit all over the place with my rambling and questions. I am at a loss as to what to do and I don't feel that I can confide in anyone in real life about this. I keep it all hidden.

Any advice from any women who have been in a similar situation would be so greatly appreciated, thank you

It is harder, especially if they don't have the kids much, they are still quite young so you might find you don't have so much free time as you would like to make new connections!

However, he sounds terrible, and your life might get much better out of that cloud. Yeah, it is hard doing everything, but you also have one less person to manage and look after.

It’s difficult being a single parent it’s not just the practical things you need to take of. It’s the emotional side of things I’ve found the most difficult the mental load.

However if I was you I would get out now whilst the kids are young enough to not really remember you being together. I wish I had of done that mine are older and it’s been much harder on them as they are more aware of what is going on.

Good luck.

Its hard, but it's better than being in a terrible relationship. I don't have a better life per se - I pretty much have my kid all the time, so be prepared that this actually can feel very restrictive and challenging if you were hoping to go out and about and make new connections. Just practically, I can't date - there's no space or phsycial time in my life to either meet someone, or maintain a relationship.

If you are going to do it I’d do it now while they are so young. It’s hard to say what it’s like though, it depends how involved you both are and what the custody split is. My ex doesn’t have the kids much which is his choice, and it’s hard but I’m secretly happy I don’t have to share 50/50 as id hate that (though of course id do it if he wanted it), others are deesperate for time away from their kids. It’s individual for everyone. Start looking at your finances and how that would work first, maybe see a solicitor.

I would try to work on your marriage and rediscover what made you fall in love with your husband. Perhaps get some marriage counselling if that is an option, or read and some discuss some self-help books.

It’s a lot, even with older children. I have mine 100% of the time and always have. But I’m happier than I was married. The kids and I are doing okay. There were bumps in the road and no doubt will be again. But we get through.

My first thought is you should leave him in order to protect your children. A grown man screaming at the top of his lungs at toddlers and breaking furniture in a fit of rage? That’s emotional abuse, and it’s doing more damage than you can imagine.

Trust yourself to make the leap, and good luck.

My kids were 3 and 5 when my ex moved out. They don't remember it. He moved near by and had them 60/40 and for me it worked well - I missed them but it also gave me some breathing space because it can be full on. I tried to plan treats for myself - meeting friends, going shopping or to the cinema - to make my time away from them a different experience. If you're already doing most of the parenting/housekeeping (especially the mental load) you'll manage fine. I've been with my current DP for 6 years now and we live together because we had an unexpected DC! but tbh otherwise we wouldn't have joined houses, it is hard to blend.

I'm a single parent, with 1dc aged 2 and I've never know different as it was like this from the outset.

And to tell you the truth I love my life, no man to take care of, date as I see fit.

My mother is my support unit and I share pick ups and drop offs with her . I take care of my daughter all free time I have, except if I'm going out, which is kind rare nowadays.

But it suits me fine.

I find it a lot easier to parent on my own than I did when ex lived with us! Our home is a far happier and calmer place now.
That said, he has the kids over 1 or 2 nights a week, so I suppose I could describe it as co-parenting than single parenting even though I do most...as I always did.

It’s ok
a bit exhausting but fine !

I’m lucky to perma wfh however and have an ok income
also as teens now , way less need for a babysitter for when I need to go out

I think things were so awful with my ex that I’m Teflon now

but also my son has some significant mental health issues

it’s actually easier handling it like as it’s kind of my way and I don’t have a man in the mix

I’m privileged that I have a job BUT I stuck it out there for a very long time as I knew I’d be a single mum one day

there are many worse things than being a single mum

I was in your position until recently, you sound just like I was.
I moved out a month ago. We have 2 kids, and split childcare 50/50.
yes it’s hard, but no I don’t regret it.
It’s still taking some getting used to, and I do feel sad, but I’d been waiting far too long for things to get better, so finally bit the bullet.
Don’t be like me and wish you’d done it sooner. You have your life to be living, happily.
And no, the kids won’t be better off if you stay together.

Being a single parent is infinitely harder than being in a loving healthy marriage raising kids together.

Being a single parent is a million times easier than staying with an unhelpful/abusive man-child.

Most people are somewhere between the 2

It's hard but it's not as hard as watching your children being screamed at and having your chairs thrown about the house by an angry husband.

Do it now and they won't really remember, the earlier the better I think.

I found it much easier. No more walking on eggshells, being stonewalled, screamed at, things being smashed. I didn’t residue the extent of the abuse until I was out of it.

I ended the marriage a year ago - my kids are 8 and 5.5. The 5 year old seems pretty unfazed, the 8 year old much more affected by the conflict he was exposed to and exH’s abuse. I’ve started him in therapy - he told me yesterday he still finds it hard to fall asleep because he worries he will hear fights, even though Dad isn’t here any more. I thought I was shielding then but I wasn’t.

Money wise things are tighter and exH has been an absolute prick about finances but touch wood I have managed to buy him out of the house which the kids love, which is a huge relief.

Ex has them maybe 4 nights a fortnight. He initially threatened 50:50 but it rapidly became apparent he had no intention of actually doing any childcare which is fine by me. I am the default parent and do all the child admin and mental load, but I always did so it’s no different.

By the end I was staying for the kids - but by the end I left for them. It has been hard but our home is so much happier now.

I like it. Raised my son alone since he was 9 months old. He is now 12 and thriving.

It was exhausting balancing work/child care/ school runs when he was younger but now he is in secondary school, it is fine.

We are happy. Our home life is peaceful and loving.

I could have written this post myself! What did you do? Are you still there?

As a PP has said compared to raising children in a living, equitable environment where adults demonstrate emotional intelligence and love and respect it is hard to be a single parent.

Compared to raising children in an angry, resentful environment where underlying issues bubble explosively to the surface it is a piece of cake.

But I never wanted another relationship. But that's what babysitters are for 😀

I'm with you try work on your marriage , he shouts he's put on weight , but you don't say he abused you or the children, it sounds like it's just gone stale, it is a personal choice though,single parenting is very hard but rewarding as well . I was left a single parent when my child was six months I was scared lonely financially crippling having to work four jobs but I got through it be because of my child, as years went by and I adapted to my new normal I loved it, my rules my way ,my choices, I was lucky he never came back and didn't see our daughter or provide for her we myself and my daughter were free living the best happy life